by Kylene Hamulak

 

Remember a couple months ago when Abby threatened to move to LA? Dance Moms begins tonight with her looking to make good on that promise, touring potential studios in California and NOT missing the girls in Pittsburgh. I bet the feeling's mutual after last week's scoring debacle.

 

You know what I don't miss? Being forced to watch Abby practice her special skills on a pole in one of the studios she's looking at. I mean, come on - you want to open a dance school for 8-year-olds, we alllllll know you're not going to choose the space with stripper poles, Abby! However, she does share the three reasons Kelly would make the best stripper: "A, she started out as a dancer; B, she failed at being a dancer; and C, she's always taking her clothes off." Well...she's got a point.

 

Abby's also interested in adding silks to her studio - you know, the dangling huge....well...SILKS you see in Cirque shows and at Pink's concerts? So that's something to look forward to. She also believes that Maddie and Mackenzie would follow her out to California if she made the big move...and she doesn't care much about any of the others.

 

Meanwhile, Candy Apple Cathy is pissed about losing to Abby (again), so Crazy Apple does what she always does when she loses: she looks to recruit a new team. "It's Candy Apple Town or NOTHIN," she declares. Anthony's gonna stick around because he thinks they work well together. I can't figure out if their coordinating outfits are a coincidence or part of whatever contract he signed to stay on at Candy Apple Town.

 

Cathy has asked Hadley (aka, Roadkill of Abby's Ultimate Dance Challenge) to join them, as well as Campbell and Mari. Campbell is supposedly a winner who everyone loves, and Mari is a title winner with a mom who speaks of herself in the third person. Mari's mom wants doors opened for her kid, and she thinks Cathy's the leader in the industry to do it.

 

Explaining that she and Anthony will have to learn the dancers before they can decide who's doing what, Cathy warns them that someone MAY go home. So basically, she's mixing reality tv formats and now wants to snub out someone's torch? None of us care enough about your team for that to be dramatic, Cathy. Mostly what Cathy cares about is that the PARENTS on her team are going to have her back when fights break out on the playground with Abby Lee Dance.

 

Question: which one of you guys requested a filler episode? Because, honestly, this seems a lot more like an SNL skit than a Dance Moms spin off. You've got Cathy rambling on about "boyfriend/girlfriend feelings", the parents are talking to us as if we care how nerve wracking it is for them, and dancer Hadley is done up like she stepped off the Dancing With the Stars ballroom floor.

 

Jalen's dad is fighting with Mari's mom about breakdancing vs ballet. I mean, one spins on his head while the other spins on her feet - are we really having this argument? I hate siding with Jalen's dad because he's usually so annoying, but honestly, in this instance? Blah blah I don't care, can we check back in with Pittsburgh please?

 

Oh right - back in Pittsburgh, the girls are training with their substitutes while the Moms are toasting to Abby's absence. No, literally. They are. Out drinking and gossiping about Abby's future in California and Cathy's future as a cockroach crawling around after a nuclear holocaust (thanks for that reference, Christi).

 

And after that brief glimpse, we're back in Candy Apple Town, with Anthony interrogating the kids about their first kisses. Look, this conversation might be cute if we care at all about the kids, but it's mostly just awkward and kind of annoying when Campbell makes not one but two comments about her boyfriend and kisses that she acts as if her mom shouldn't hear. The only thing that saves the conversation is when Jalen describes his own first kiss as his "lips sorta slipped" and I pretended that the kiss was planted on Vivi and then she wiped it off and went back to eating an ice cream sundae.

 

The only two things you need to know about this part of the show are the following: One, Mari isn't there because she's really sick, but her mom insists she'll be fine in the dance. The parents draw their own conclusions. Two, and more importantly, is that Anthony and Candy Apple Cathy coordinated their outfits AGAIN.

 

So anyway, Mari is sick, and, as it turns out, Campbell isn't so great, so Cathy invites everyone's REAL favorite dance mom to join the team - Black Patsy, with her daughter Nicaya. Let's be clear - this has little to nothing to do with Nicaya's skills and everything to do with Nicaya fighting Abby Lee at some point.

 

Oh bore. This whole episode is kind of boring, and Abby's friend John agrees. He suggests that Abby spend a Mom over to Candy Apple Town to do a little spying on the competition. Abby realizes Jill is the only one capable of the task, and Jill, of course, is always ready to play along.

 

Cathy gives out her solos and nobody cares, the dancers work on their solos and nobody cares, and Black Patsy arrives and - whoops! - Cathy's new moms care. Cathy, by the way, says the only thing that's ever gonna matter is beating Abby. Hey Cathy? ALDC isn't competing against you this week, soooo....you win, I guess?

 

Know who doesn't win? Campbell. Because when Cathy tells her she's cut from the group dance, she puts on her ugly cry for all the world to see. And then her mom tells her to buck up.

It's competition day (finally, this cannot be over soon enough), and Jill has recruited Holly and Kelly to spy with her. Also thinking "this cannot be over soon enough" is Zack, whose Pinnochio costume is absolutely hideous until his red Speedo shorts are changed out for black pants. Even Vivi finds it funny.

 

Since the ALDC Dance Moms can't get the dirt from their programs, they visit the Candy Apples in their green room. Hadley's mom is loving it, cause she thinks it means ALDC is squirming. I wouldn't go that far, Hadley's mom. Then they spot Black Patsy, and they all reminisce about that time she got kicked out/left gracefully (depending on who you believe) and Kelly tells us that Black Patsy's new look is JUST LIKE HOLLY'S!!

 

Wait...WHAT? Ok, I noticed Black Patsy's look, but it never even occurred to me that she was trying to be Dr. Holly.

 

Cathy's solos go well and look nice. Back in the green room, Hadley's mom thanks Anthony and tells him that HE is the reason they're there. Oh, really? Does Cathy know that? Well, she's gonna, cause those Candy Apple moms are biiiiiitches. They all start fighting and yelling and then they STOP with the announcement, "VIVI'S IN THE ROOM!"

 

That's right, bitches. You shut the hell up when Vivi's in the room.

 

Anyway, the group number goes next, and honestly, it seemed like kind of a mess to me. As Kelly says, "You can pick your team...but we're still better than you."

 

For awards, Zack comes in 3^rd for his puppet show, though Anthony thinks he would've scored higher if he had worn the red Speedo shorts. Hadley places 2^nd, but Cathy knows she's a top overall winner. Just...not today. So how about the group? Well, they come in 1^st, and Cathy decides she'll have to talk to Vivi before she kicks anyone off the team.

 

There's a brief encounter between Cathy and the Dance Moms in the hallway, but it's just a bunch of yelling.

 

This is the most boring episode in the history of time, but, on the bright side, at least Abby didn't screw Chloe over tonight!

 

 

Dance Moms airs every Tuesday night at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image courtesy of Lifetime)

 

 

Follow Kylene at @keepingupwithky!