by Kylene Hamulak

 

Remember when Dance Moms ended last week and the dressing room was a happy, if not bittersweet, place to be? Sure, we were all mourning for Broadway Baby, but Abby Lee Dance Company won the competition, Kelly and Christi made up, and the girls all danced beautifully.

 

HA. Hope you enjoyed that.

 

The winds have blown the Wicked Witch of the Dancefloor back to the studio, and Abby wasn't impressed by her dancers, even if they did win. She calls Chloe out for not doing the choreography, and notes that it's becoming a pattern. Also becoming a pattern? Chloe looking like she wishes she could shut off the world while Abby calls her out.

 

This week's pyramid started with Paige, Kendall and Brooke on the bottom. Nia moves to 3^rd on the pyramid, alongside Mackenzie in the middle. Maddie is on top - again - and Chloe is still not on the pyramid, also again.

 

The run down for this week's competition includes a group number that will feature a boy (which Maddie seems really keen on), solos from Maddie and Mackenzie, and a duet by Kendall and Nia. Holly reminds us that the last time Nia had a duet, "things didn't go so well."

 

Group rehearsal begins with the addition of Nick, the "boy dancer" who will be the male lead. The girls all run to give him a hug ("Hubba hubba," says Abby) and the Moms give him a standing ovation. Geez, a little testosterone goes a long way in a dance studio, even if it's coursing through a fifteen year old.

 

Abby explains that the routine, "Your Dream Will Be My Dream" but basically it's the plot of Les Mis. There's a dying peasant mother, a young daughter, the dead woman asking the guy to take care of her daughter, and then a whole cast of extras in love with that guy. Or something like that.

 

Meanwhile, in the gallery, Christi has this epiphany about first loves and how sweet it is that none of the girls have experienced that yet. Except I'd be willing to bet that at least Brooke might have something to say about that. Anyway, as the women talk, they think maybe what Abby needs is to be LOVED and Melissa reveals this great desire to send Abby speed dating. Christi asks if there will be a curtain, and Kelly suggests that Abby should NOT wear her Shamu outfit.

 

It's kind of harsh. But then the shot cuts to Abby....pretty much dressed like an orca whale. Point to you, Kelly.

 

Sidenote: I'm ignoring the little dance Abby did after dismissing the girls. Mostly because my brain can't process it.

 

Anyway, Jill realizes that if Abby finds love, she'll be happier, and if she's happier because of something Jill helped with, it can only benefit Kendall's career.

 

Chloe is missing at the next rehearsal and - guess what! - Abby notices. Apparently Christi hit traffic on the way, but wow...talk about bad timing. "I really just hope Abby doesn't blame Chloe for, you know, the pile up on Route 130." Good luck with that, Christi.

 

Meanwhile, the Moms have a limo ready for dinner with Abby and the speed dating adventure. They ambush her in the studio, and we're supposed to believe that she didn't know ANYTHING about this little surprise happening today. Right. The fact that she's wearing regular clothes instead of a tracksuit doesn't mean anything.

 

Oh, and by the way, in case you wondered, a limo is obnoxious. That's according to Abby. So if you judge by her standards, keep that in mind. She also didn't realize all the Moms were joining her on this dinner (did she think this was a date with JILL?) and demands that Christi be excluded. Christi stays behind at the studio, but this ain't over. I wonder when we're going to hear more about her "friends" not sticking up for her this time.

 

Inside the limo, the Moms are getting Abby liquored up, so she's getting loose lips and talking to them about love. For all those young George Clooney's out there - Abby's looking for you! Here's my thing though - why do you need a YOUNG George Clooney? I wouldn't reject ACTUAL George Clooney. Then again, I'm not Abby Lee.

 

More about Abby's match.com profile: She likes worldly men, men who speak five languages, and men who like to eat. She likes a man who likes dessert and will order everything on the menu, just to try it. "You can't be pigeon-toed," she says. It's unclear whether she actually meant pigeon-holed or if she really is just that turned off by inward pointing toes.

 

Abby is surprisingly receptive to the speed dating event, which makes me wonder how many bottles of champagne they opened in the limo. She takes control of her dates right off the bat, asking them really important questions. Like, for example, "Do you own your own tuxedo" and "How many times have you been to Disney World". (I'm particularly interested in that second one.) There seems to be potential in Karl (or so the Moms think), so Kelly tells Abby to check to see if he's pigeon-toed as he walks away.

 

Hm. Interesting. So, as it turns out, she actually IS just that turned off by inward pointing toes.

 

"Speed dating was fabulous. It was like I was auditioning men for a date. I got to sit back on the casting couch and just say, NEXT," says Abby. "Jill, I think this is going to be the gift that keeps on giving."

 

Oh my GOODNESS. Does that actually mean Jill's plan worked?!

 

Maybe. Nia and Kendall are practicing the duet, which is not quite up to Abby's standards. Jill sees this as her opportunity to further Kendall's "personal growth", so she requests a private with Gianna to work on Kendall's part of the duet. Holly, backed by the always feisty Christi, confronts Jill with a smile about why Nia wouldn't be included, and Jill explains innocently that she simply asked Gianna if there was anything Kendall needed to work on.

 

"Jill is the definition of a stage mom," Christi tells us. "Instead of putting Kendall's photo on that pyramid, I think Jill would be better off with her headshot."

 

Abby is still trying to explain the group number to the girls, so she compares it to the love between herself and her mystery man in LA, both getting very teary because they're 3,000 miles apart. "And he doesn't wanna come here," says Abby. "I don't blame him," pipes in one of the girls. I would've sworn it was Mackenzie if I didn't know she wasn't in the group number.

 

The next 30 seconds are amazing, as the Moms discuss Abby's potentially gay man, the girls laugh awkwardly at Abby's "joke" about a ring, and the Moms try to process what Abby could possibly be thinking. Abby then talks to the girls about speed dating, which is more awkwardness, including the fake laugh from Kendall.

 

The day of the competition, Abby discovers that Nia is sick. Neither Nia nor Holly deny the cough or how she's feeling, but Holly downplays it, hoping yet another duet will not be pulled. Abby, however, has a backup plan: Maddie. She knows most of the routine, and Abby tells her to have Kendall go over the pieces she doesn't.

 

When Abby explains the situation to Jill, Jill - because she's so kind hearted - tells Abby she couldn't POSSIBLY do that to Nia...she'd rather Kendall do it as a solo instead. Oh, ok. That's a lot better. When Jill asks Nia about how she's feeling, Nia's all like "Nope, I'm fine, totally doing it, thanks for your concern" and Jill is all, "Ok, but IF - I'm just saying, IF - you know, IF you don't feel well, WE, I mean, YOU, I mean, we'll tell Abby, and we'll do it another time." Nia: "Right, but I'm gonna do it."

 

Mackenzie's "Love is War" solo is first up, and she does great. Abby thinks it was terrific, but thinks Mackenzie needs to perform more with her facial expressions.

 

Know who's performing with her facial expressions? Holly. Before the duet is ready to go on, Jill takes Kendall "to the bathroom" which is really code for "rehearsal in the hallway." Holly's not happy about it because - once again - no one invited Nia. The "Dig It" duet goes well, and Jill is content that nothing went wrong.

 

Maddie's solo, "Life Line", goes well too - Abby says she thinks Maddie has the whole thing figured out.

 

Oh hey, remember back when I told you that Christi would totally bring up the speed date incident again? Yeah, that happens now. Christi asks if Jill deliberately set her up to be humiliated, and Kelly gives a little speech about being a team and how they all stood together to bring her back. Don't worry though. Jill defends herself by saying, "I didn't do anything behind your back. I did it right in front of you, and I did it to benefit my child." Oh. Ok, then.

 

"Your Dream Will Be My Dream", the group routine, goes beautifully, and the crowd loves it. Abby, however, has a different opinion. Oh. I guess she didn't like it then.

 

For awards, Mackenzie gets 2^nd Place for her division - that's good. Maddie also gets 2^nd Place. That's bad - Abby counts on her as the one kid she can win with. Nia and Kendall earn 5^th Place, and that's not so good either. Uh oh. The group routine? "Biggest loser on the stage." That's 2^nd Place in Abby-speak.

 

Other wisdom from Abby: Kendall? "I think you two have a big hole you need to dig yourselves out of." (Pun intended? I sure hope so.) Maddie? "I threw you the lifeline, you let it slip right out of your hands." (Again - intentional?) Mackenzie? "You need to get knocked down a peg."

 

So there ya go. "I don't wanna be nasty," Abby tells them (yeah, right), "but it's tough love sometimes."

 

Aka - all the time at Abby Lee Dance.

 

 

Dance Moms airs Tuesday at 8/7c on Lifetime!

 

(Image courtesy of Lifetime)