by Kylene Hamulak

After just one dance, Dancing With The Stars will be losing one of our All Stars. I know whom I think it's going to be, but it's going to take two hours, a lot of opinions, and performances by Justin Bieber and Pitbull before we learn if my prediction is right.

Let's kick things off with opinions - as in, those from the crowd last night. Not surprisingly, Sarah Palin is so proud of Bristol, Maria Menounos is loyal to Derek, and Nick Lachey admits his brother Drew got the dance shoes in the family.

If you were wondering why any of the stars would go through the challenge of another DWTS season, you're in luck. Bristol wants us to know that, despite the heat she took during Season 11 and the heat she'll take as an All Star, she does deserve to be there because she works just as hard as everyone else. (I assume she means the other dancers because I'm not sure being on a reality show qualifies as "work". Writing about it? THAT is work. ) She reminds us how shy she is, and then we get a first hand look at how over the top Mark's teaching methods are.

Kelly is back because she misses the fire that comes with being part of DWTS, but that's not the story here. The story with Kelly and Val is that, since Season 1, she's been (as we all know) working on General Hospital. When she tells Val that? His response is, "You work in a hospital?" and then he offers Kelly the excuse that he doesn't know the soap opera because he's "half your age." Don't worry, folks - he tells Tom he was just flirting.

And then there's Pam. She's back because she "knows she can play the character," which is terrific, except that the dancing? It's apparently not part of the character she was playing last night. She knows she needs to put more effort into her dancing, but guys! She really wants to do it. Because she loves every part of it. And apparently she's headed to Broadway. I REALLY hope "Broadway" is what she named her estate. She couldn't possibly mean dancing in live theater, could she?

Joey knows why he's here: to win. And specifically to beat Apolo. And also to redecorate, as we see a clip of Kym and Joey moving a framed photo of - who else? - THEMSELVES from one rehearsal room into their own. They want to bring the fun to this season of Dancing With the Stars.

Fun is key for Drew too - he's back because he enjoys the challenge of DWTS. He admits the show has changed a lot in the years since he won, but the focus is still on learning and executing the dance.

Apolo compares the All Star season to his Olympic challenges, competing against the best of the best. Tom points out that they're currently in the middle of pack, and asks Apolo if he blames the suspenders. The pink leopard print suspenders. You know, the ones I commented on last night? Apolo is ok with where they're at - he had fun, and there's plenty of room to improve.

As he noted last night, one of the reasons Helio is back is to show his daughter that he can dance. The other? Because he has so much fun doing it. Tom asks him about the standing ovation before their first dance, and Helio says he was overwhelmed by the fan support. Helio also gives Chelsie a little lesson in language and geography, and I have to admit I laughed out loud as he tried to explain that Brazilians speak Portuguese and South Americans speak Spanish.

Melissa's back to prove to herself that she can still do this, but her daughter is also good motivation for her to win. Tony feels like he let her down the last time they competed together, so he hopes he can do what it takes to win this time.

Like many of the other stars, Gilles has joined the All Star cast to challenge himself. "It would prove that you can have new experiences and make it happen." The crowd loves him, and he thanks the DWTS for really opening doors for him to be a working actor. He doesn't consider himself a dancer, you know. And there's a clip package of him declaring how NOT a dancer he is to prove it.

Len talks about how much he enjoyed the show last night before introducing Emmitt and Cheryl as the first encore of the season. After their dance, we hear about why Emmitt joined the All Star show - he didn't want to be the champion who said no. He thinks the bar has been set pretty high, and he says they're going to try to have a lot of fun.

As she has previously noted, Shawn is happy to have DWTS as a new goal to work towards and compete for since retiring from gymnastics. The pair is sitting on the floor with Tom because apparently Shawn is super short and Derek is...tall? He also thinks he's funny to pretend he can't find Shawn because she's so tiny. She smiles as she says that got old after the first time. Shawn, none of us will blame you if you smack him.

Fan favorite Sabrina is back because...well, because we said so! Louie feels pressure to help her continue to do well in the competition, and he warns us, "Once a Cheetah, always a cheetah - but I'm trying to tame her." Don't bother...we need a little unpredictability on the dance floor.

The final All Star profiled is Kirstie, who has always loved dancing. She's determined to give her all and do her best. After spying on Peta and Gilles, Kirstie determines that if Peta and Gilles are going to be the hot couple, she and Maks will have to be the comedians.

With the interviews over, the second half of the show begins with pros and the DWTS troupe in a high-energy medley showcasing different styles we'll see throughout the ten weeks of competition.

The first four All Star couples up to get their results are Joey and Kym, Apolo and Karina, Bristol and Mark, and Shawn and Derek, who are the first couple to be declared safe. Apolo and Karina join them quickly, while Bristol and Mark become the first couple in jeopardy. Joey and Kym are declared safe.

Since we're only an hour and fifteen minutes into the competition, it's obviously too early to continue with the results, so let's get some entertainment. Pitbull takes the dance floor to debut his single "Don't Stop the Party" for the first time in prime time. If you wondered, it sounds like every other Pitbull song you've ever heard, except I don't think he mentions Donkey Kong in this one.

The next group to get their results includes Helio and Chelsie, Drew and Anna, and Kelly and Val, who were all tied with 21.5 points. And as we watch the recap and the conversation between Joey and Drew about who is going to lose to whom, I have to say that if there's going to be a boy band bromance? I'm totally ok with it.

Remember the time Emmy-winning host Tom referred to Kelly and Val as Kirstie and Maks? Because that happened tonight. And I chuckled. Anyway, the first couple of the group announced as safe is Helio and Chelsie, joined by Kelly and Val. Drew and Anna join Bristol and Mark in jeopardy, which is kind of a surprise.

After getting some insight from the All Stars about how hard it will be to be the first eliminated competition and lots of repeating about how they're the best of the best and everyone has to work hard, the Season 15 troupe is back on the floor showing off their dance skills in a peppy little number.

Sabrina and Louie, Gilles and Peta and Emmitt and Cheryl are next to learn their fates. Gilles is apparently nursing a hamstring injury, but he promises he'll be fine next week. Tom first calls out Emmitt and Cheryl and Gilles and Peta's names before declaring "You're ALL safe!" At which time all THREE couples - yes, including Sabrina and Louie - erupt in celebration, only to have EMMY-WINNING HOST Tom backtrack and take back Sabrina and Louie's safety. For like nine seconds. Before they realize it's stupid to create needless drama and then declare ALL three couples safe.

You know who else creates needless drama? Justin Bieber, performing his latest single "As Long As You Love Me." (Not to be confused with the Backstreet Boys hit of the same name, which just goes to show you which generation I belong to.) It's a flashy performance, of course.

The final three All Star couples to hear results are Kirstie and Maks, Melissa and Tony, and Pam and Tristan. My poor, dear Tristan. We all know how this is going to end. Kirstie and Maks are the first of the group to hear they'll be dancing next week, and Melissa and Tony join them. That leaves Pam and Tristan in jeopardy.

To recap: the three couples in jeopardy are Drew and Anna, Bristol and Mark, and Pam and Tristan. Bristol and Mark are declared safe, leaving Drew and Anna and Pam and Tristan as the bottom two couples.

Is anyone REALLY surprised when Pam and Tristan are announced as the lowest combined total? Doubtful. Maybe Pam, who actually looks pissed off in her disappointment.

I'm disappointed too, Pam. I was really looking forward to a few more weeks of Tristan. And his accent. And his abs.

I'm more surprised that Drew and Anna joined them in the bottom two. Come on, America - don't deny the world another performance like Save a Horse!

We'll see who steps it up for next week's performances. Tune in to the next Dancing With The Stars on Monday at 8/7c on ABC!

(Image courtesy of ABC)