by David McAlpine

Last week on The Bachelorette, Jillian got hot and heavy with Kiptyn, Reid and, well, kind of Ed. I’m sure we all remember (and will remember for a while) Ed as the guy who “couldn’t get it up” on national television. But Jillian kept him anyway (and Kiptyn, too!), sending Reid home before the big night.

But because ABC wants to milk this show for all it’s worth, it’s Brofest this week on The Bachelorette! Yes, that’s right, the finale (which, shockingly, only happens to be 2 hours long) isn’t until next week, so we get to catch up with all our favorite guys from this past season…and some that we never knew existed. And it’s a great lead-in into ABC’s new dating series Dating In The Dark. Talk about just getting warmed-up, we’ve got a great night of television ahead of us, people.

Before we get to the guys, Chris sits down with Jillian, and she recaps the whole season for us. Some highlights: she doesn’t care about Tanner P.’s foot fetish, she thought David was disrespectful, and she was totally blinded by her love for Wes. But, she also feels incredibly bad about letting Reid go, calling it “the hardest thing [she] had to do” (until next week, when turning down the next guy will be “the hardest thing”).

Next up are some bonus scenes from dates past, which are a lot more entertaining than I thought they would be. Apparently, Jillian got pelted in the head with a snowball during a fight between her, Mark and Mike on their 2-on-1 date and fell on her ass hard. Now if only they’d shown this instead of the cardboard conversation, I might have thought at least one of them had some substance. Embarrassing moment #2: in the producers’ attempt to create heartbreak, they had to spend an hour and a half to back up the Rocky Mountain Express, because it had missed the station it was supposed to leave Robby at. Ouch.

Out next are Jason and Molly. I had to restrain myself from gagging and frantically hitting fast forward on my DVR and I was successful…for the most part. They point out how hard the media was on them, but, on the bright side, they know they’re getting married—just after they start living in the same city. Right, like this headed for long-term happiness. Jason starts to talk about his website community for single parents and there is where I had to draw the line. Fast forward!

Now onto the guys, minus Reid and Wes, both of whom had “prior engagements.” I didn’t think contractual obligation was something you could get out of? I guess when you’re as controversial as those two, you can.

After some initial trash talking, high-fiving and “bro”ing it up, as well as Tanner F. complaining about how he now gets called “the foot guy,” it’s time to air some dirty laundry. First, the guys confront Jake about his perfection, which I truly believe exists in true form. They tell him to see an R-rated movie and Jake drops an F-bomb, which seems to legitimately stun some of the guys. I think it just rose his perfection status just that much higher.

Then comes the talk about the Man-Code, which, still, has yet to be defined for us viewers. It remains a mystery as the men continue to discuss it at length and apply it to the conflict between David and Juan. The drinking incident is brought up (where Juan claims to have had half a shot and David got angry about it), and the guys start to take sides. Is this really an issue we need to take sides over, though? Apparently, because the argument lasts for the rest of the segment.

Transition into David’s time in the hot seat, where’s he’s actually shocked that women find it offensive to be told that they have a good ass. You can hear the audience exuding the “what a pig” vibes and Chris turns the Man-Code on David himself. David still thinks he didn’t do anything wrong and wants Jillian to tell him herself that he made her uncomfortable.

Jake is next, and the mood of the audience switches. Everyone fawns and “awww”s over his every word, to the point where it’s kind of sickening. Since Jake is so awesome, some of the ladies in the audience get to ask those hard-hitting questions that everyone wants to know:

Q, Excited Woman #1: Do you still have feelings for Jillian? (a.k.a. Are you available?)
A, Jake: I always will.

Q, Excited Woman #2: Would you consider being the next Bachelor?
*screams follow*
A, Jake: It’s too soon to say, but it would be an honor.

Now it’s Wes’ turn in the spotlight, even though he’s not there. I had no idea how fired up the guys were about him, but they let loose, coming from left and right about times that Wes has talked about his girlfriend at home. And there’s certainly no love from the audience for Wes, or at least no one would admit it when Chris asked. Wes even gets his own video montage of his “Love Don’t Come Easy” smash-hit (all four lines of it!).

Jillian comes out and finally puts some of the last-minute questions to rest: David made her uncomfortable, she’s disappointed she didn’t get to go on a hometown date with Jake, and she’s still sad about letting Reid go. Jillian tries to pass off her infatuation with Wes as blinding love, but it’s clear that no one is buying. It really makes me wonder what goes on in that girl’s head.

More never-before-seen moments ensue, including lots of farting and Jillian’s own fetish: pepperoni. Man, I’ve never seen a girl get so excited over a slice of pepperoni…maybe her and Tanner P. were meant to be.

Finally, it’s the dramatic, flash back and forward, quick-cut teaser of next week’s finale, which includes—*gasp*—an appearance from latest ax Reid…with a ring!

Be sure to watch The Bachelorette next Sunday at 8/7c on ABC to see whose proposal Jillian accepts!

(Image courtesy of ABC)