by Kylene Hamulak

 

Last night's Dancing with the Stars performances left some in tears, some rolling their eyes. For me? It was both. Let's find out who's going home crying tonight...

Before we get any results, ex-Mr. Heidi Klum and Grammy-winner Seal performs his latest hit, which sounds remarkably like a cover of "Lean On Me." Because it is. He's accompanied by members of the DWTS Troupe. See, the thing with dancing is that I often can't tell if a move was intentional or just...a mistake. Like when one of the troupe dancers fell tonight. So I want to be like, "oh hey, can you teach me that awesome move?" and the dancer would be like, "uh...the move where I FELL?" Yep. That one.

 

After taking a look at the leader board, Tom tells us that the average score was 25.5 points, an unprecedented feat for Week 3. This is what happens when Len takes happy pills, ladies and gentlemen.

 

Speaking of Len, he thought last night was unbelievable and suggests that the producers waive tonight's elimination because no one deserves to go. Not gonna happen, Len. But nice try.

 

Jumping into results, Roshon provides us with a Michael Jackson impression, which both Chelsie and I beg him to stop doing. Maria wishes she had blindfolds for her family, but with that laugh (which is back tonight), I think earplugs would be more kind. Gavin is making everyone fluttery, while Katherine believes her dad would be "chuffed to bits." (For those who don't speak English, "chuffed" means delighted.)

 

Of this bunch, Katherine and Mark and Maria and Derek are declared safe before Gavin and Karina are put in jeopardy again, and Roshon finishes up safe for this week.

 

In Brooke's next segment, we find out what some of next week's dances (for Rock Week) will be. William and Cheryl will have the jive, which William apparently has no idea about. To start, he thought it was named "drive", not jive. Like I said yesterday - stay pretty, William. Jaleel and Kym will be tangoing to the Rolling Stones, and we are promised a "Black man's Mick Jagger." Gladys tells us she's going to channel Tina Turner for her inner rock chick, which seems to delight Tristan. And when Tristan's smiling? I'm smiling.

 

Ah, but not for long. Tonight's Spotlight Dance features Anna and Jonathan dancing for their friend, another professional dancer currently fighting lung cancer. Just when you thought it was safe to put your tissues away, here comes a beautiful tribute. At the end of the dance, Tom invites us all - yes, even me! - to write in with our own compelling story for chance to dance on the show.

 

Me? Dancing on THIS show? That certainly WOULD be a compelling story. Tom informs us that we've chosen Beyonce's "End of Time" for the Macy's Design a Dance contest, which I had completely forgotten about/never knew about. Visit the website to vote for your favorite dancers to perform the routine.

 

So anyway, let's go back to our next group of stars waiting anxiously for results. Checking back in with last night's behind-the-scenes peek, Gladys tells us she wants to show the judges that she can hold a frame. I am highly disappointed that there was no pun involved, considering the frames used as props in their routine. Jaleel gets weird again, telling us he doesn't touch his old characters. He leaves them in a vault to protect them. (He DOES know that his old characters are Urkel and Stefan Urquelle, right? I mean, we're not talking about Big Bird and Santa here.) Moving on to William, we get another look at the move that almost wiped out Cheryl, if not for her partner's quick reflexes and strong, strong arms. Like I said earlier, I want her to teach me this move.

 

William and Cheryl are the first to be sent to safety, while Gladys and Tristan are told they're in jeopardy. (Gladys should consider talking to Cheryl about that crazy wipeout move.) Jaleel is also safe, though I mumbled under my breath, "not from the TABLOIDS."

 

When we come back from commercial, we have a clock eating segment with Brooke in which the only notes I made were: Jack is not nervous, Anna is. Donald thinks he's always going to be nervous. Sherri is dehydrated from tears and ready for fun. Melissa "loves love." Ok, then.

For some reason, the producers trust Brooke to announce the next safe dancer, and as it turns out it's Sherri. She's happy. And I like to understate the obvious.

 

With this announcement, Tom throws a twist into the competition. Starting next week (and continuing for three weeks), the Bottom 2 will dance simultaneously for the judges to decide who goes home. A dance duel, if you will. In my head, I imagine pairs of dancers tangoing into each other, and it makes me chuckle.

 

Next we get an all-star Macy's Stars of Dance routine that includes Twitch, Travis Wall, and Kenny Wormald, who is completely my favorite because he admits to being an *NSYNC fan. The dance is the Sharks vs. the Jets except in fedoras and ties. And I mean that in a good way.
Rascal Flatts performs their latest title track, "Change," next, and then the lead singer (who I like to call Rascal because I don't know his name), shares his support for Gavin.

 

The next set of results comes after a recap of their performances last night, reminding us all of how emotional everyone was. Donald and Peta are the first to learn they are safe, followed quickly by Melissa and Maks (and no one seems more surprised than Maks). Jack and Anna and I can do math, so we guess, correctly, that they are in jeopardy.

 

Returning from the final commercial break, we find Gavin and Karina, Jack and Anna, and Gladys and Tristan at the top of the massive staircase, because THAT seems like the most logical place to put them. They can barely hear Tom as he tells Gladys and Tristan they are safe (thank goodness!) and it takes an eternity for Gavin and Jack to make it down those stairs with their partners to get the final results.

 

The team eliminated tonight is... Jack and Anna. He's gracious in his defeat and wishes everyone luck. Gavin looks totally guilty about sticking around another week, but it's ok, Gavin. You did nothing wrong but make me cry.

 

It's Rock Week next Monday, guys. Get your big hair ready and meet me on the dance floor!

 

 

Dancing With The Stars airs Mondays at 8/7c and Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.

 

(Image courtesy of ABC)