By Lindsay Strouse

 

Our all-star panel of judges are back tonight on The Marriage Ref. Alec Baldwin, Kelly Ripa and Jerry Seinfeld join host Tom Papa in deciding the most important thing in marriage for the next three couples—who’s the winner.

 

The Issue: The Rapper

We first meet Kris and Erin who have been happily married for three years. Kris is a successful businessman…and hopeful rapper who goes by the name of “Krispy”—yes, Krispy as in Krispy Kreme. He likes to gel his hair and sport a Mohawk with his sunglasses and graffiti shirt. Sounds legit, right? Obviously, the wife doesn’t exactly approve. When she reminds him he is almost 40, he denies that fact. Okay, I think we’re dealing with a midlife crisis here. The guy compares himself to Christopher Columbus and Albert Einstein and thinks Dr. Dre is going to come knocking on his door.

 

Jerry and Kelly don’t exactly think his rhymes are as “dope” as he says they are. Alec understands where Erin is coming from in her argument, but she is coming on a bit too harsh. She just keeps throwing punch of punch at him and knocks the poor guy down. 

 

The wife isn’t without merit, however. According to our “Just the Facts” girl, Natalie Morales, the music industry claims that only 11 white rappers are clearly established, and NONE have any of Kris, or “Krispy’s,” characteristics. 

 

After some debate, the panel agrees there is no harm in keeping up with a hobby that isn’t hurting anybody and isn’t going to be going anywhere. All three side with the husband. Tom Papa makes the call that Kris wins and Erin should just embrace the embarrassment all wives feel by their husbands.

 

The Issue: The Motorcycle

 

Next we meet Jimmy and Susan. They’re having an argument over the appropriate place to keep Jimmy’s Harley motorcycle. Uhh, a garage maybe? Jimmy thinks there is no better place to show it off than in the living room. In the midst of all the arguing, the camera gets a nice shot of their cat popping a squat on the toilet. Oh, did I mention the couple’s last name is Burns? Does this remind you of Meet The Parents or what?

 

Jim tries to make the point in saying he is proud of his bike and wants to show it off. Alec answers with, “I like whales, but I don’t suspend them from the ceiling.” Ensue several jokes that could not be shown on television.

 

Before the panel can make their decision, a second feud arises between the couple! Apparently, in addition to being obsessed with his motorcycle, Jimmy is obsessed with Mariah Carey. Susan thinks of the “no-good hussy” as the other woman in the relationship. She states, “He has me, I don’t know what he would want Mariah Carey.” Good point, Susan, good point.

 

After hearing both feuds, the panel is allowed to make their calls on both arguments. Alec sides with Susan on both issues, Kelly says the motorcycle should get out of the living room but that Jimmy should be able to have his Mariah obsession (let’s be serious, SHE’S NOT EVEN THERE) an Jerry sides with the husband on the motorcycle issue and the wife on the Mariah issue.

 

Once we meet the couple live and Tom announces Jim wins, the toilet-using cat jumps onto the table. Jim starts slobbering kisses all over the cat—forget about the affair with Mariah, he’s having a freaking affair with the cat! After seeing that scene, Tom changes his mind and says Jimmy loses everything.

 

Issue: Man’s Best Friend

 

In this feud, the dog is the man’s best friend, but definitely not the woman’s. Wife Maria HATES her husband’s dog, Zeus, with a fiery passion. I’m a dog lover to the extreme, but I don’t know how fond I would be of him either if he was biting me 24/7. You would expect your husband to protect you when the dog comes at you, correct? Or maybe if he doesn’t protect you, he would protect your 78 year-old mother? When Maria brings up when Zeus bit her mom, her husband replies with, “Maybe she had it coming.” UMM, I beg to differ.

 

At this point, I’m wondering what’s going on with the animals on this show. We’ve had a stuffed dog, a lizard treated as a child, a toilet-using kitty and a ferocious dog. Oh my. Jerry thinks the whole foundation of their marriage is a little odd and isn’t surprised that this is happening now.

 

When it comes time to make the calls, all three judges side with the wife. Alec would have liked to see them train the dog, and I couldn’t agree more. Tom lets the couple know that the wife wins. Although they aren’t getting rid of the dog, at least she can go to sleep tonight knowing she’s right.

 

Tune in next Thursday at 10/9c on NBC to see what new wild and whacky feuds are happening on The Marriage Ref.

 

(Image courtesy of NBC)

 

Follow Lindsay at twitter.com/LindsayStrouse

 

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