by Michael J. Lamp

 

Tonight, on Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti met with a (rather intimidated) wedding planner. Patti is uber Type A, so I can't imagine she's easy to please.

 

Back at the office, Chelsea announces that Jimmy D is back from last season...and apparently he has changed. You'll remember that Jimmy D was rather douchey last year. And by rather, I mean very.

 

Patti wants to see Jimmy D (yes, I'm only referring to him as Jimmy D) in person, to judge his "energy". Jimmy D says that his outlook has changed after being "hit in the head repeatedly and almost killed." His words. Woah. Patti tells him that he has to look for legit girls this time. And he has to abide by her no sex (until the relationship is monogamous) rule. Jimmy D seems reluctant, but he obliges.

 

Tonight's other millionaire is Mateo, who works for a hedge fund. You know, one of those financial things that no one really understands. It appears that finding a Christian woman is the most important thing to Mateo. Patti naturally presses him on this to find out more. Mateo gets pretty wiggly in his chair and doesn't want to talk sex in detail. Patti is not feelin' Mateo's religious restraints, but she takes him on as a client anyway. Dollars speak, yo.

 

Patti arranges for Jimmy D to meet with a relationship therapist. The therapist in this case is a kooky old lady doctor. She's kooky, for sure, but she's also very direct...and also graphic. But mostly hilarious. She seems to whip Jimmy D into shape, but it's hard to tell when Jimmy D is acting and when he is not. I suspect he's acting most of the time.

 

At the recruiting session, Patti finds a couple of gals that she likes, but is mostly underwhelmed. She may have even called one girl a hot tranny mess. (She definitely did.)

 

At the beginning of the mixer, both guys appear normal and charming, which means that something bad has to happen soon. It's not long before Jimmy D begins to show shades of douche by gravitating straight to the blondest "babes" in the room and Mateo goes for a totally off the charts loopy woman that is a) Jewish and b) kind of gross. And to think, he wanted a ‘classy Christian.'

 

At one point during the mixer, Patti takes Angela (that's the non-Christian that Mateo has an eye for) to the corner and rips into her for a minute or two. It turns out this chick was invited by a friend, which does not please Patti...at all. It makes for a classic exchange. It's just not an episode until Patti schools someone.

 

Patti is disappointed in both guys, as they each go for the "wrong" girls. Mateo chooses his Jewish seductress, and Jimmy D picks the seemingly less dumb of the two, dumb blondes. Patti had hoped Jimmy D would go for Whitney, the classy brunette who
happens to already live in Jimmy D's playground, Las Vegas.

 

Jimmy D takes Angel to Vegas for their date...shocking. Angel shows up drunk, which is both hilarious and pretty pathetic. Angel beats a bunch of poker pros on her first try, everyone has a good chuckle and Jimmy D whisks Angel away from the table to get ready for dinner. Cut to about a half hour later when Angel doesn't show up at the restaurant to meet Jimmy D. Ouch. Eventually, Jimmy D goes to Angel's hotel room and confronts her. She won't let him in the room, which is shady to say the least. She makes some bizarre (and lame) excuse about eating a steak and throwing up. Jimmy D gets upset and calls Patti. He switches things up and invites Whitney (the gal that Patti liked) to dinner. Surprisingly, Jimmy D and Whitney seem to get along pretty well. She is making Jimmy D seem less annoying. Whitney decides to proceed with caution. Probably a good idea.

 

He promises her a future, full-length date, and they call it a night.

 

Keeping with the gambling theme of the evening, Mateo takes crazy Angela to watch horse racing. Things seem great at first, rather disarmingly great, really. There is even a little kiss while the ponies cross the finish line. Don't get too excited for these two, though. All that love washes away before dinner is even over, as the conversation turnes, predictably, to religion. Mateo wants a Christian lady and Christian babies. Angela is not interested in converting and makes no bones about the fact that Jewish women must raise Jewish kids. Majorly awkward.

 

While visiting with Mateo and discussing the lack of future with Angela, Patti manages to throw in a wonderfully passive aggressive quip about people not being able to get over their religious differences. She comes around, though, and vows to get back to the drawing board and find someone else for Mateo.

 

Patti calls Angel and doesn't get an answer - she's clearly still passed out. Whitney seems optimistic about Jimmy D, and Patti is proud

of Jimmy D's improvements. The jury is still out as to whether said changes will prove permanent.

 

Angela and Mateo are apparently still friends, though strictly platonic, and Whitney and Jimmy D are "taking it slow." I think that means they boinked a couple of times and now just nod at one another when they pass at a club.

 

Millionaire Matchmaker airs Tuesdays at 10/9c on Bravo.

 

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

 

Follow Michael at twitter.com/mjlamp

 

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