by David McAlpine

Last night, it was the night we've all been waiting for on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. Well, some of us at least. It's come down to Vienna vs. Tenley (who would have thought)--who will he choose? Will he choose either? I want to hope he doesn't choose either, because, as it's been made painfully clear in the past several weeks, neither are good for him.

The episode starts with Jake strolling down the beach, reminiscing about Vienna and Tenley. He's going back and forth in his head about who he loves more and why they each make him want to get down on one knee. He thinks Tenley is "perfect" and "too good to be true" (famous last words, right Jillian?), while Vienna gets him all hot and bothered. Apparently, Jake is looking for the girl he can see himself with 60 years down the road, so who could it be?

He takes some time to talk to his family, who he says is really important in his life. Clearly, the girl he picks has to get along with his family and he's relying on them to be his behind-the-scenes eyes on Vienna and Tenley. He gives them a little background, mainly about everyone hating Vienna. Jake's mom jumps on that quick, pointing out that there's a reason why everyone hated her--and Jake immediately regrets bringing it up.

On the other hand, Jake tells his family that they'll love Tenley, which they do. Tenley and Jake seem like as close to a picture-perfect couple as The Bachelor will ever deliver, especially with them talking about marriage and crying with his parents--it's a great setup. Jake's mom starts delving into Tenley's personal life and the divorce thing comes up, which only results in more crying and bonding between her and Jake's mom. They're definitely fans of her!

Now it's time for Vienna to meet the parents and you can almost feel Jake sweating. He looks really nervous, and with good reason, he just hopes the she can be the Vienna that he fell in love with (i.e. he's hoping he won't see the manipulative woman everyone sees). Right away, however, Vienna starts complaining, and everything takes a turn south. Everyone disapproves with the way she talks about people and her experiences.

Vienna tries to explain her tiffs with the other women in the house as because she's "brutally honest." She's really trying to play it off, but not well. Instead, she's just stuffing her face with pasta, hoping Jake's family will take mercy and stop asking questions. By the time the questions roll around to easy ones (such as, "Why do you like Jake?"), Vienna is fried and can barely answer those. Even Jake starts to get a little curt, snapping at his mom (that's right, he defended Vienna).

The hate session continues with Jake's family (which is a fairly large family, by the way), who still gives him their approval after they reconvene. Did they have a huge therapy session? Did they have a giant meeting and they just decided they could screw over Jake's life? Anyway, after the family meeting, it's left up to Jake to pick who he wants after his final dates with the women in St. Lucia.

Vienna's date is first and they head to a sulfur spring, where they get to get dirty (literally) in the mud in their bathing suits. Vienna writes "I love you" on Jake's chest, America gags, but he still thinks it's pretty awesome. Jake even wonders if his physical attraction to Vienna is getting in the way of seeing her as wife material or not (duh!). Can this even be real at this point? Vienna assures Jake that she doesn't want to elope again like last time, she wants the real deal. At 23? Sure, Vienna. Sure.

The next day, it's Tenley's turn and their date is a little less, well, blatantly sexual. Tenley and our Bachelor-in-waning head out on a yacht to go snorkeling. This date is significantly less…wordy. In fact, barely anything is said at all, all they do is look at each other. Then Jake breaks the ice and asks Tenley if she was worried that their physical chemistry isn't as intense as their emotional chemistry. Red flag #1.

She's confused, so he's tries to clarify by equating "physical chemistry" with "crazy, mad, passionate love." Technically, isn't that an emotion? Red flag #2. Then Jake just gives up and says their "heat" is building slowly, which Tenley just goes with the flow on. I think we have a winner on biggest a-hole Bachelor! Then Jake decides to pull a Jillian (on Jake) and wondering if Tenley is too perfect for him. Can the guy who was too perfect for the Bachelorette really find someone who's too perfect for him? I really starting to think that that's just the really easy way out at this point.

But wait! Tenley's not through, yet. In a striking act of aggressiveness that I thought we'd never see from her, Tenley says she's determined to show Jake what their chemistry is like in every single way.

It's finally decision day in St. Lucia and Jake is obviously still torn. Jake takes both rings to his place next to the beach, because he hasn't made his decision yet. Enough with being torn, we get it! He keeps flipping back and forth and, at this point, I'm sitting back and waiting for him to actually say something to a girl. Finally, it seems as though the heavens move, the clouds open and someone speaks to him, because he realizes that he one a little more than the other.  Cue the ladies getting into helicopters and the suspense begins.

It's no surprise to those of us who have been reading online spoilers or almost every Us Weekly issue since the show started that Tenley steps out first, a traditional tell-tale sign that she's the one getting dumped. She looks gorgeous, but she really doesn't know what's coming until he drops the bomb: she's not getting the final rose. Tenley takes it like a champ and tells Jake how much she learned about herself, but you still can't help but have your heart go out to this poor girl who lost out in the battle of good vs. evil. At the same time, I think she realizes that getting dumped by the Bachelor (especially Jake) is probably more embarrassing than it is telling of what kind of guy you can and can't end up with.

Vienna lands next (and it's taking every ounce of my willpower to not turn the TV off) and Jake gives her back the promise ring. Is he really not going to take either of the final two women? Vienna looks so pissed, but not for long, because Jake drops to one knee and tells her he loves her. They share a happy moment, cry, blah, blah, blah, I'd be really pressed to find a large group of viewers who actually like this chick.

Before you an go on an Ali-sized rant about Vienna, it's already "After the Final Rose" time! Tenley comes out on stage first, still clearly confused from what happened at the end of the show. I mean, if I were as pretty as her and I were against something like Vienna, I'd wonder, too. Jake comes out and she asks him several lingering questions, most of which were answered with a vague answer and then a long pause. The only thing that comes out of it was that he really didn't feel a physical connection with Tenley.

The new couple comes out and the first order of business is to show Jake how often he cried during this season. I thought it was necessary because this guy needs some form of national embarrassment or a reality check or something. And since when did "Mesnick" become a verb? Jason is way down there on the food chain with Jake, he does not deserve a verb. That's like equating him with Google--absolutely not.

Chris pretty much cuts to the chase, asking Vienna about the media coverage. She gives the standard answer that she's hurt because people are making up stories about her, that some of that stuff happened a long time ago, etc. Jake jumps in and says it's completely not true (because he knows her so well?) and Vienna tries her luck at humor by making a joke about having a secret boyfriend. Silence. I think you might want to stick to the physical stuff, Vienna.

So, the final word? Jake and Vienna are madly in love and she's moving to Dallas as soon as possible. They've talked about getting married, but that's all they'll say for now. Then, because they need several minutes of filler, the couple does an awkward slow dance in front of everyone while being serenaded. Awkward much?

Before we wrap up this season, though, there's still one big announcement: Ali Fedotowsky, the ultimate Vienna-hater from this season, is slated to be next season's Bachelorette. How excited is everyone? Personally, I think this is the first time in a while that I've been genuinely excited about the one person trying to find love. Vienna winning was enough to make me boycott this show, but Ali being the next Bachelorette is enough to bring me back, for sure.

SEE ALSO:
The Bachelor: On The Wings Of Love - Conference Call with Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi
The Bachelor: On The Wings Of Love - Conference Call with Tenley Molzahn

(Photo courtesy of ABC)

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