by Ashley Thompson

Cassie, a 23 year old marine biologist from Hawaii, and Greg, a special forces vet from TN are in Ontario, Canada. Because what's worse than being naked and afraid? Being cold and naked and afraid... of bears, moose, wolves and hypothermia. Cassie brings along her machete, wants to be more than "pretty" and has a PSR of 6.7. Greg comes along with paracord, chauvinism and narcissism and a PSR of 7.2. He's not too concerned with needing a fire starter because he's so confident he can start a fire with natures tools. Good luck with that, have you ever seen the show? Fire is camera shy.

The only thing Greg doesn't want in a partner is blond hair because he's a pig, and he gets Cassie, who has "sorry Nana" written on her ass and glitter polish on her toes. All she wants to do is get warm and all he wants to do is say "it'll be fine". Not so fine when they have to remove their room to use and blankets during their first night on the rocks near beaver lake. Since sleep can exacerbate hypothermia, they try to stay awake and keep warm. Hows that "it'll be fine" doing for ya?

Since they don't have fire they can't purify their water that comes from stagnant beaver lake. Greg has the idea that moss contains iodine and iodine purifies water so he shoves a bunch in their cooking pot and cross their fingers. They should be focusing ALL of their attention on fire and a roof because on night 2 they get rained on. Somehow they make it through the night even though 15 minutes of shivering burn as much fat as an hour of exercise. Eating berries won't do much unless they can stay warm. Night 3 has more rain and a 700 pound visitor. Fortunately the moose doesn't bother them but they decide to move camps to stay out of the moose path.

By day 5 they haven't really eaten, they don't have fire, they haven't made clothes, and they're still cold. Throughout the night Cassie reminds Greg that he can't fall asleep. He admits that he underestimated their environment and Cassie. "She's the exception to the blond rule." They step up their teamwork and finally get a fire going. All they want now is to eat that chipmunk they named "Monster" that was stealing their berries and to make a chipmunk blanket out of him... for their big toes. Instead they settle for frog legs and acorns. Although the acorns from this region are considered some of the most bitter in the world and will cause severe diarrhea if not rinsed and roasted several times. They decide that eating things that "taste like piss" wasn't their favorite meal so here comes the N & A feast of ssssssnake.

Somehow they make it through the 21 days and start their trek through bear country through 6 miles of thick undergrowth to swim to a rescue plane at Bark Lake. NO. Just no. Too cold. Let them redo this on a beach somewhere!

Photo credit: Discovery Channel