by Kylene Hamulak

 

Are YOU ready to rock? It'll be hard to choose this week's (non-alcoholic, of course) drinking game: bad wig? Studded leather outfit? Rock face with tongue? The "horns"? My guess is we'll get lots of all of them.

 

In fact, the show starts with something you don't see every day: KISS in the ballroom. What I really wish they had done, however, was dressed up the judges like band members. Is it too much to ask for Len to be in full on KISS makeup?  There's always the results show...let's begin the dancing.

 

Team: Sherri and Val
Dance: Tango
Sherri says Val has been tough on, poking her and pulling her and pushing her and, in between, looking at himself in the mirror. I know a couple of people who would sign up for that tough love any day of the week! Sherri promises that her love and hate for Val will come together explosively, and it does. Sherri can move, and this dance, in my opinion, suited her. (Also, matching leather costumes. Take a shot of that root beer.) Judges said:
7 - Len begins with "Be still my beating heart!" and notes a little incident but overall thought they did a great job.
7 - Bruno apparently likes Sherri mean and moody and then said something that - I think? - was in another language. Sometimes it's hard to tell, but either way, I didn't understand it, though it seemed positive. He likes her great attitude, though he agrees that she needs to be a bit sharper. "I like it when you're nasty," he tells her. "Bring the creepy down!" says Tom. Too late, Tom.
7 - Carrie Ann thought it was good, but that it lacked some of Sherri's exuberance; she urges Sherri to change her exuberance into passion, but did like the performance. 

Score= 21

 

Team: Katherine and Mark
Dance: Paso Doble
Remember last week when Katherine was like an elegant angel waltzing across the ballroom? Yeah, this week isn't like that. This week Mark takes her cage fighting, and she tells us she wants to be "badass". Which would be a lot more convincing if she didn't have the pretty accent. She's barely recognizable in the weird batman goes gladiator costume...which, naturally, includes some more studded leather. At this rate, it's a good thing it's a non-alcoholic drinking game! It was a good performance, but it wasn't her strongest. Judges said:
8 - Bruno describes Katherine as "unleashing a whirlwind of fury!" He warns her to be careful to retain definition - though she's a great dancer, this performance wasn't as clean as a paso should be.
8- Carrie Ann notes that Katherine "paints gorgeous pictures" with her body, but seemed off her footing tonight.
8 - Len says the performance had promise but didn't quite deliver; went for attack and aggression, which sometimes results in a loss of artistry, though Katherine is a wonderful dancer.
Score=24

 

Team: Jaleel and Kym
Dance: Tango
Jaleel and Kym are approaching Mick Jagger as if he is a cartoon character. The lips, the scarf, the "George Jefferson" walk - these are the elements of their dance training. We watch Kym throw him around (literally, which is the opposite of the tabloid reports). The tango is entertaining and looks good to me. Judges said:
8 - Carrie Ann loves it. She says there's something funky and weird about it, though she suggested he "try not to be so smooth" in the future.
7- Len likes the humor in it, particularly the role reversal of Jaleel on the floor because, as Len tells us, he's "...fed up with girls spinning on their bums!" He does think it could've used a little more attack, but as a performance, it was great.
7- Bruno loves the Jagger beginning but would've liked to have seen more aggression in the footwork.

Score=22

 

Team: Melissa and Maks
Dance: Paso Doble
Melissa tells us she's going to be channeling anger and passion into this dance to show off her "bad girl" side...then she proves it by saying "bite me." (Clearly straight off the prairie, ‘cause "bite me" is what I'm saying on a sweet and happy day.) Highlight of the clip: as she "kills" Maks at the end, he pleads, "Please don't step on my jewels!" The performance looked pretty good, but I had one of those moments where I couldn't tell if Maks fell or just tried something really hard and innovative. Spoiler alert: He fell. Judges said:
8 - Len likes it, noting that Melissa came out with confidence and attacked the dance, and that he's looking forward to seeing her try the more lyrical dances. Sidenote: Len called Maks out for falling over but blamed it on the "slippery floor."
7 - Bruno loves the flavor of Spain, but did note the mistakes in the routine. He tells Melissa to work harder to keep up with the music so that she doesn't have to run after it to keep up
7 - Carrie Ann thinks that, on the whole, this was her best performance by far.
Score=22

 

Team: Donald and Peta
Dance: Paso Doble
As DWTS vets know, athletes are have a reputation for very strong pasos, and Donald promises to continue that tradition. To invoke the spirit of the cape he'll have, Donald borrows Peta's sweater, which makes him look like a little granny and makes me wonder how he possibly fit in Peta's sweater. The performance is beautiful - there's no shirt, for one thing - but he just seems so strong as he whipped her around the dance floor. Judges said:
9 - Bruno breaks out the alliteration: "Great guns Donald! Muscular, masculine, magnificent." He liked it.
9 - Carrie Ann said "What the heck did I just see!" and then threw out a random collection of words that I believe translated to her liking it. She declared it "one of the most memorable moments" of the season.
9 - Len never thought he'd get excited seeing a man with his shirt off but invites Donald to compare tattoos after the show - "without doubt, your best dance."
Score=27

 

Team: Gladys and Tristan
Dance: Tango
Tristan was wearing a Newsie cap. Gladys talked about being inducted into the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of fame, but Tristan was wearing a Newsie cap, and that's really all I saw until the dancing started with Tom and the Judges singing the opening of Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, and by the way - guyliner for this one. Judges said:
7 - Carrie Ann notes that, while it was Gladys' most ambitious routine, it didn't quite all come together.
6 - Len thinks she coped well with the music, but her posture needs to be a little stronger - "well done, not your best dance, but it's not your worst."
7 - Bruno says that Gladys is always a class act; lacked a little bit of impact, but did a great job.
Score=20

 

Team: William and Cheryl
Dance: Jive
In this week's edition of "William Learns America", Steel Panther comes in to teach him about 80's hair bands. William thinks they're ugly women. As predicted earlier, this show would not be complete without a wig, and that, coupled with tight Cheetah pants and the "Rock Horns", completes William's transformation. Unfortunately, it didn't completely transform on the dance floor - for the second week in a row, I was totally distracted by some funky (maybe mistake?) move Cheryl did. They lost their steps, she lost her shoe, it was...kind of...a mess. But William is pretty. Judges said:
7 - Len points out that they went long and lost timing for the second week in a row, and warns William that he's gotta nail these routines.
8 - Bruno notes that William's performances always rock the house, but cautions him not to get complacent; "so much talent, but tonight wasn't quite as good as it used to be."
7 - Carrie Ann echoes the other judges, telling William to stay focused.
Score=22

 

Team: Roshon and Chelsie
Dance: Viennese Waltz
Roshon's biggest issue in rehearsal is being too flexible, according to Chelsie. I can see that. He reminds me of Gumby somehow. He was also mu , mbling some gibberish for a bit, and I didn't even realize he was speaking in sentences until the final line. He tells us all he wants is a "Good job, dawg" from Len. Again, he tells us. And again I say, wrong judge, wrong show. But then the music starts and - wait, David Cook on ROCK Week? IS this American Idol? I'm confused. But I love Chelsie's dress. She looks like Barbie. Judges said:

9 - Bruno loves the way Roshon extends the lines, calling it elegant and romantic.
9 - Carrie Ann says, "It's so cute - it's like watching the climax of a Disney movie!" (Let's not talk crazy now, Carrie Ann.) She tells him, "out of the men, you are the best dancer," and I'm relieved when, later, her use of the word "men" is questioned.
8 - Len delivers his, "Good job, dawg", so maybe Roshon will shut up about it now.
Score=26

 

Team: Maria and Derek
Dance: Tango
So if it's time for Maria, it must be time to find out what's hurting her. This week, it's her feet, which her doctor tells us are suffering from stress reactions and a stress fracture. Which helps explain the paparazzi pictures of Derek carrying her around all week. Uncle Jesse is there with the rest of the Big Fat Greek Mafia to cheer her on. I don't recall much of their performance because all I remember is hoping Derek would fall up the stairs when he piggy backed her up the stair case. Because yes, I laugh when people fall up stairs. Especially when they're carrying a girl on their back and running. Judges said:
9 - Carrie Ann comments on their incredible chemistry and tells them she loved every move.
8 - Len notes that they had the aggression, but lost a little bit of control. He tells Maria that hers is the best posture of the women.
9 - Bruno: "Beauty, attitude and sex appeal by the truck load...brilliant."
Score=26

 

Team: Gavin and Karina
Dance: Tango
"Rock n roll is my element. Dancing is not my element." That's pretty obvious, Gavin. Also obvious? The guyliner you borrowed from Tristan. I should've added guyliner to our drinking game. The routine isn't bad (for Gavin), but with so many strong dancers, it's hard to not compare. Judges said: 
8 - Len likes the flare and attitude and thought it was good.
7 - Bruno thinks Gavin was very determined and focused, but his frame was bad.
8- Carrie Ann says she felt like she was watching Johnny Depp on the stage, creating magic on the floor; despite his "strange posture", it was a good job. (Carrie Ann got cut off, so I sort of paraphrased.)
Score=23

 

Tonight's show was the first time this group got a taste of lower scores, and this season may become a battle of who can continue to keep up. Speaking of - Melissa was getting checked out for an injury by the end of the show, so we might be coming upon the time where the intro packages are more about medical reports than the choreography. So Rock Week Performances are done, though I predict we'll be seeing those studs and wigs again tomorrow night. Also predicted: Gavin, Gladys, and...maybe Melissa? in jeopardy.

 

I sure hope Gladys and Tristan and Tristan's Newsie cap survive for another week....

 

 

Don't miss the results episode of Dancing With The Stars, Tuesday at 9/8c on ABC.

(Image courtesy of ABC)