Posted on 09/22/2011 by Gina in Americas Next Top Model
by Mike Bandy
Okay...last night's Top Model All Stars was potentially the weirdest, most non-sensical episode I've ever seen - and I'm including the cycle 12 final runway show (remember the oil and the gyration?)! Where would I even begin? I guess I'll start where they did: The girls were on the bus after elimination, talking about all the exciting prizes the winner would get. Alexandria was still reeling from her experience at the live judging, but said that she knows there are people that like her. Meanwhile, Sheena said that an asian model has never won the competition, and for a moment, I was hopeful that she'd be the first one! But alas...
The girls were in the middle of a game of dress up when Tyra arrived at the house with a brand strategist. He was there to talk to the girls about marketing themselves as a brand, and to let them know what their public really thought of them. Each girl was given a word that they must embody. I'll skip the obvious words handed out (Lisa being "daring", Laura being "loveable", and Allison being "unique". Oops, I didn't skip them...) and get to the good stuff.
Alexandria was told that her fans think there's no value in anything she says. Some fans, huh? She got the word "tough". Sheena got the word "unexpected", which was...well...unexpected. Why not give her the word "flavor", because she has more than all the other girls put together? Just a thought. Perhaps the most insulting moment was what happened with Kayla - the brand strategist told her that being a lesbian was hip five years ago, and if she can "move on from that", she'll have a fantastic career.
I have to tell you guys something...as a fan of reality TV drama, I was thrilled with the comment, because I knew it would stir up some. But as a gay man, I was unbelievably offended by it. I don't care how many famous people's careers you've helped launch - when you tell someone that being who they are isn't "hip", you're a bigoted jerk. Period. Kayla got the word "free", and I was glad to be "free" of brand strategist jerkface immediately following the new opening credits, which felt like being backstage at an art student's fashion show, and not in a good way.
Bianca, who got the word "candid", decided she was going to use that to her advantage when confronting Dominique and Camille for talking about her, completely out of nowhere. She was yelling and saying that she's competition, and I half expected Saleisha to pop out of a closet to tell Bianca that her mouth wouldn't get her anywhere.
The next day, the girls met up with Mr. Jay for their photo shoot...and Ty-overs! I don't think I saw one girl get excited about them, and with good reason - most of them didn't get anything done at all. The biggest ones were Lisa and Alexandria, who got the same shoulder-length bob, and Bre, who flipped out and threatened to quit the show because they shaved the sides of her head. Call me crazy, but wouldn't you think that having been through this once before would minimize complaining about makeovers, right?
Ashlee Simpson was there, and they touted her as a fashion designer, a broadway star, and a platinum recording artist. I'll save the obvious insults and go for something nice...her hair looked good. Man, that was hard...
The photo shoot...mother of god. The girls had to embody the word they were given while making their own Pink's hot dog. The winning photo (and hot dog) would usher in a new menu item at Pink's, the America's Next Top Model dog. Yes, I'm serious. The highlights - Mr. Jay asked Laura to show Camille what to do, because Camille hadn't eaten a hot dog in 20 years, Lisa posed with her mouth open and full of chewed meat, Sheena was pretty, and Kayla was having a lot of trouble embodying the word "free" while eating a hot dog. I concur.
Judging was up next, and I don't think any of the girls really embodied their words at all, but then again, how could they? Lisa came the closest, as posing with a mouth full of hot dog is "daring". Some would argue that it's gross, but they don't know about "real modeling". Sheena's photo wasn't unexpected, but it was pretty, and Laura's photo looked more "lustable" than loveable. At deliberation, Tyra decided that she didn't want Nigel to have hair anymore, so she shaved it off. Thank goodness! He looks so much better without hair. Rawr!
Who would end up in the bottom two?! Here's how it went down:
1. Lisa
2. Bianca
3. Alexandria
4. Laura
5. Angelea
6. Dominique
7. Shannon
8. Allison
9. Isis
10. Bre
11. Camille
Would Kayla & Sheena please step forward? Kayla took some amazing photos in her cycle, but this week's was a step back. Sheena has a ton of personality, but it's not coming through in her photos. In the end, Kayla was saved. Sheena said she was disappointed that she didn't have the opportunity to show who she really is, but she'll always remembered as an all-star.
Alright, what did you think of last night's ridiculousness? What kind of Pink's hot dog would you have created? Did Lisa deserve #1 photo? What about a shoot that shows models eating...isn't that a contradiction?! Tell me in the comments!
America's Next Top Model airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on the CW.
(Image courtesy of the CW)
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