By Michael J. Lamp

"Be Still My Hootie Heart"

The chefs are arriving in the Bahamas after an undisclosed amount of time away from the competition. I always wonder if that messes with them a bit, having to stop in the middle of the competition and go home for a few weeks, months or years. Ok, it's probably not years.

For the Quickfire Challenge, the cheftestants are competing against the chefs that defeated them for the title during their first seasons. This is another awesome idea for a challenge. Who doesn't love a little revenge?

Tiffany takes down Kevin, while Hosea triumphs (again) over Carla. I'm as annoyed this time as I was when we won the regular season. Stephanie gets to compete against not one, but two of the chefs she defeated. This time around, she takes down Antonia but loses to Richard, whose entire decade was I'm sure made by this win.

The most surprising victory of the challenge goes to Isabella, who defeats the mighty Michael Voltaggio.

The Elimination Challenge is to cook for Bahamian royalty. Fancy.

Richard is talking about chasing goats down and killing them. He wants to win that badly. Personally, I think he's also slightly bonkers.

Isabella is dripping heinous sweat from his heinously greasy nose into perfectly good food while Carla is stressed out and crying. Now, Isabella has stopped sweating and started talking shit about the girls. Uncool.

After the chefs finish their prep, they are whisked away by the Bahamian police. They arrive at what looks like a big ol' street festival, complete with folks wearing cartoonishly enormous headdresses.

Turns out the folks with the feathers in their hair are the royalty. For what it's worth, said feathers and all that jazz don't' like too 'spensive. Nothing but the finest for the King of Junkanoo, apparently.

As the chefs are cooking, the fryer catches fire, the food gets contaminated and the chefs are forced to start from scratch. Antonia and Richard are changing their dishes (saw the new audience, changed their minds). Tiffany isn't happy about it, because she thought she had a leg up this time.

At the conclusion of dinner, the King seems like the only guy that's not disappointed by the meal. At Judges' Table, Tom and friends tell the chefs that while there were some bright spots, the meal missed the mark, overall.

Carla's pork was unevenly cooked and her apple crisps on top were way too sweet. Antonia is disappointed in her shrimp and gritz, because she didn't stay true to herself and Tiffany's curry slaw wasn't really a curry.

Isabella's lobster was dry but enjoyable (how is that possible?), and Richard's lamb was the only dish to get real praise. Eric Ripert thought Blais' dish was a little soft, though. Zing!

Isabella wins the challenge, and in the most depressing moment of the season, Carla is sent home. The only thing keeping me from popping meds right now is the knowledge that I will soon speak to her. Hootie!

Top Chef: All-Stars airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo.

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

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