by David McAlpine

Welcome back, Bachelor fans, to THE season of The Bachelor. Of course, ABC bills every season as "the most controversial season yet," but this season features previous Bachelor-turned-women's-number-1-enemy Brad Womack.

Last time we saw Brad, he turned down both Jenni Croft and DeAnna Pappas on the final day of his season, making him the first Bachelor in the history of the show to leave with no one. But now, he's back (as a "changed man" -- this season's new "here for the right reasons") and ready to find love.

Of course, Brad himself went through hard times. It was apparently really difficult getting called selfish and an awful person, even though he really did come off that way on TV. So he sought therapy and, well, three years later, he may not be rid of all his trust issues, but at least he can blame them on his come-again-go-again dad.

Speaking of family, the Womacks aren't necessarily fans of Brad's single-ness, either. He has two brothers, both of whom are married and have kids. Meanwhile, Brad is the commitment-phobe and time is ticking. (Note: It was at this point in the show that I looked up his age and was shocked to discover he's 38. I even felt desperate for the guy).

Then we got a preview of some of the girls:

-Ashley (later named Ashley H.) is a dentist. She prefers the term "mouth artist."
-Shawntel is a mortician, so she's around dead people a lot.
-Raichel (yes, it's spelled like that) is not just a waxer, but a "manscaper." I feel bad for the Bachelorette producers that had to suffer through being the subjects for her preview, that's for sure.
-Madison is a model (or so she says) with filed teeth that looks like fangs.
-Ashley S. is a good ol' southern girl who lost her dad to a brain hemorrhage.
-Emily lost her NASCAR-driving fiancee in a plane crash. The kicker: she was supposed to be on the plane, too, but she was feeling sick, so she stayed home. Result: she's now a single mom and she "still wishes [she] was on the plane." Red flag? I think so.

But, like any good therapist (just like Brad has had for the last three years, I'm sure) will tell you, you have to conquer the past before you can move on to the future. So, while Brad is sitting with Chris for his pre-show interview, Chris brings in DeAnna and Jenni. Now, this whole time, Brad looks like a deer in headlights, but this sends him over the edge.

He tries to apologize, but he really can't match the two ladies: they both look great, they have America on their side, and they both had sizable rings on display (DeAnna is engaged, Jenni recently got married). Jenni was indifferent about the whole idea of Brad's second go-around, while DeAnna sincerely seemed pissed.

As for this batch of women, they have no idea that Brad is their bachelor, so Brad doesn't know how they're going to react, nor do we. How exciting is this? Now it's time for us to roll through all 30 contestants and their 10-second interactions with Brad.

Chantal, the executive assistant from Washington, was probably the most prepared for Brad's return. Just like we saw in all the commercials, she gives him a slap "from all the women in America." And he liked it.

And so it went, with most of the women commenting on his season and saying something related to the fact that they're happy he's back, they hope he can answer questions, etc. Sarah even gets him to get down on one knee and fake propose--awful idea right there.

Other highlights:

-Marissa, the sports publicist, makes a big deal about the fact that her life revolves around sports. What she's probably leaving out: she travels often and doesn't have much of a life outside publicity.
-Melissa takes a running jump out of the limo into Brad's arms. Because he's not prepared (as he shouldn't be), he almost drops her.
-Lisa is from Kansas, so she's wearing red-sequined Mary-Janes, just like Dorothy. I think I heard a groan from the entire midsection of the country.

One thing that was conspicuously missing from all the girls: their ages! A quick trip to the ABC website, and, well, you can see why they were so omitted: the oldest is Melissa at 32, while several of the girls are 24, with the average age at 26 or 27. Mind you, Brad is 38. Enough said.

So for the majority of the cocktail party, Brad is left to explain to everyone why he's back, what he's doing here, how he's a "changed man" (see: new Bachelor catchphrase), blah, blah, blah. Enter Ashley S. who doesn't want to question him, she just wants to move forward. Bam, she's in right away! Cut to Raichel, who waxes some hair off his hand. Ick.

As the liquor flows, the night starts to go downhill for some girls. Jackie pulls Brad aside and says she loves to sing, then can barely pop out an impromptu a cappella performance. Alli tells Brad she has too much booty, then dares him to feel it. Renee decides to steal her thunder and take Brad outside.

Alli drags him back away for herself, then Renee buts in again. Just when Renee thinks she has him, Jill swoops in. Renee gets another chance, but Stacey takes it, leaving Renee in the dust. Then there's Madison, who visibly frustrates Brad because she's playing the mysterious card. After his head nearly explodes because you can see he can't carry on the conversation, she cuts the act and says she's serious about being here.

After all that, it's Ashley S. (who wants to be Brad's "friend" at least) gets the first-impression rose. After that, most of the impression makers get roses: "Junk in the Trunk" Alli, Chantal (the slapper), Keltie the Rockette, Michelle and Emily (the ones with children) and one of my favorites, Britt, the food writer.

However, Brad also had to send 10 packing. Of the ones who got eliminated (Britnee, Cristy, J, Jill, Lacey, Lauren, Lisa P., Rebecca, Renee and Sarah L.), only Jill and Renee stood a chance, though Jill's amazonian height in heels and Renee's lack of aggression landed them on the wrong end of the roses.

Now, I'm going to be honest, I was very skeptical of this season when I heard that Brad was coming back. But after this first episode, I was super impressed with the group of women that they picked. Not only that, but the preview of the season looks promising and, perhaps, Brad might even find someone out of this group to stick with! And really, even if he doesn't like any of them, he'd be really stupid to walk away empty-handed again because, really, who needs America to find a reason to hate you twice?

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

(Photo courtesy of ABC)

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