by David McAlpine
 
Last night on The Bachelorette, it was the perennial special that we all love to wait for: The Men Tell All. It's normally the time where all the bitter cast-offs get to air others' dirty laundry, the misfits get their reality moment in the sun and the no-shows that America love to hate get dragged through the mud. And believe me, there were all three (but mostly the latter).
 
After a quick recap with Ali (like anyone cares at this point because, honestly, it's all about the men tonight), Kasey is the first on in the hot seat. Where to begin with this one? The tattoo? The borderline-creepy thoughts about love? The singing? There was so much to cover with him, and only so little time.
 
First, the tattoo: Kasey doesn't regret it, because he knows someone, someday will enjoy it. Aw! You already can't help but love the guy, even if he does have some very...intense...thoughts about love. Serious about the show, however, he was. Ty said that Kasey had studied the show and knew everything about Ali, clearly because he was there to win her heart and impress her. Not to mention everyone saying that his "guard and protect her heart" thing wasn't a ruse--he stuck to it the whole time.
 
Of course, Kasey couldn't leave without giving us a little tune, right? So he gives us a small (and very off-key) poem that really put the nail in the coffin in terms of how awesome his personality really is:
 
"On the night that I first saw you,
I came to guard your heart,
But you left me on a glacier,
And you chose that dumb-ass Rated R."
 
His final point: at least he's leaving Ali with a good memory. I don't know how you can't love the guy, even if he does come off as a little bit of a creep. He'll make some very clingy woman very, very happy someday. I guarantee it.
 
As the guys started to get highlighted one by one, it made me realize how great of potential this cast had in terms of being charming, but how utterly it failed because of the few huge personalities that overshadowed everyone else. I'm mostly talking about Chris N., who came complete with a shirt that read "The Phantom," since he was notorious for being absent for episodes at a time, yet still making the final 8. However, it turns out it wasn't even the editing, Chris N. just never tried to be on camera. Go figure.
 
Then the spotlight turned to Justin. Oh, Justin, how your not showing up spoke volumes--and gave the green light to almost every cast member to bash you two ways to Sunday. Craig was pissed that Justing referred to him as "an extension of [his] family" on his Facebook post, saying that he would never want to be related to that loser. Harsh, huh?
 
It got better, though. Jessie, the random former contestant who got tangled in all this mess came on slinging more evidence and allegations (including a dual-date Valentine's Day!), putting the ultimate "D-bag" stamp on Justin's face.
 
Kirk was up next, who was surprised to hear that Ali might not have kept him past the first night had he not made her that scrapbook. Oh, what could have been! He kept his interview short, simple and classy, saying that he grew a lot from the experience and now he's ready to open himself up to love. Bachelor contestant, anyone? I definitely called it at the final four (and after we learned how much of a fail Frank was).
 
The last but not least topic of the night was Frank, the a-hole who went all the way to Tahiti to tell Ali that he was back in love with his ex-girlfriend. Really now, who even gets a chance to do that, you know? Ali was blindsided for sure, but some of the guys were on his side. Craig (who beat the everloving life out of Justin's reputation) came to Frank's side, saying the situation was completely different because Frank came on with good intentions.
 
Not so fast though, said Ty and Kasey. Ty, who had been through marriage once before, thought it was bogus of Frank to keep leading Ali on. But the loudest of the night was for sure Kasey, who said that what Frank did was unfair, especially knowing the feelings of the other guys. He's a fan of Frank, but not of how Frank stomped on Ali's heart and tore it to pieces. Is this guy for real? I think I kind of like him now. Kind of.
 
Tune in to the season finale of ABC's The Bachelorette next Monday at 8/7c!
 
(Photo courtesy of ABC)
 
Follow David on Twitter: twitter.com/davidmcalpine
 
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