by David McAlpine

Last time on The Bachelorette, the axed men told all as we took a look behind the scenes at some never-before-seen footage of Jillian and the guys. But this week is the week that we have all waited for, the reason why we all watch this show: we finally find out who Jillian will chose to be in her “happily ever after.”

Test number one for the guys comes in meeting Jillian’s family. We first met the jovial, fun-loving group last season on The Bachelor, which Jason gushed over—then unceremoniously sent Jillian packing. This time, Peggy, Jillian’s mother, is out for answers, and man, does she go after them. Ed comes over to the house first and he admits that he was “married to his career” and even left the show because he was concerned about the status of it.

Peggy starts to grill Ed with a list of 66 questions, which he seems to handle very calmly and has solid answers for each. Ed gets the a-ok from father Glen and then the whole family heads out back for some kind of mock luau.

Kiptyn is up next and run through the same ringer that Ed was run though. Kiptyn seems a lot more passionate about the questions, and is somewhat more confident in his answers. Even Jillian’s mother and sister agree, as they both tell her that they think Kiptyn is much more like her. In fact, Jillian’s sister is so adamant about Kiptyn that you can almost see her want to jump out of her chair and scream it at the top of her lungs. And I mean, who wouldn’t? It’s already looking clear that Kiptyn is the perfect pick.

Next, the guys each get one last chance to tell Jillian what they want to say, a “last chance date,” if you will. Ed is first, and the two enjoy a magical day frolicking in a Hawaiian Lagoon, followed by a redo of the last time they got some alone time together—but will Ed doesn’t live up to his name (E.D….get it?)? The pressure is on as Ed starts to fumble over his words, but Jillian won’t stop eating it up. They head back to the hotel and the lights go out…and instead of the light clicking back on, a volcano erupts and, well, we get the idea.

Kiptyn’s date is next, which involves a similar meal on a lagoon-type beachfront overlook, and multiple scenes of the two kissing ensues. But instead of the typical non-committal Kiptyn we’ve seen since week two, Kiptyn decides to go all out and tell Jillian what she’s wanted to hear all along. He tells her he’s afraid of losing her and he sees a future with her; a house, kids, being with him in San Diego—the whole shebang. Now, if I were Jillian, I would have told production to cancel the entire ceremony the next day, because Kiptyn has me sold, but Jillian isn’t as thrilled as I am. But she’s still melting. Good signs for the Kipster, yes!

So far, no drama that ABC promised us and we’re already halfway through the episode. I’m a nervous wreck, because, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I really think it’s a 50/50 shot. I’m hoping that she picks Kiptyn, and I can’t help but fear that she’s going to pick Ed. As the shots roll by of the trio getting ready, then traveling to the romantic site where the final choice is going down, my heart is pounding out of my chest and I’m sending Jillian the Kiptyn vibes. He finally showed emotion and said he’s willing to commit, plus he’s less addicted to his job and better looking—ding ding, I think we have a winner here! He even signed his letter to her “Love, Kiptyn.” It’s meant to be, I know it.

Before we get to the decision, Kiptyn and Ed head to the jeweler to each pick out a ring. Kiptyn picks a huge, square-cut, three-carat ring, while Ed goes for an oddly-set pear-shaped thing (again, another sign that Kiptyn is better). Cue Jillian to step into place, but she can hardly contain herself (as can I), as you can see the tears rolling down her face. She’s obviously set to make a decision that she doesn’t want to make, and all I can do at home is hope she makes the right one.

The first limo pulls up and I’m hoping that it’s Ed. Please, please let it be Ed! A shoe steps out and…it’s Kiptyn. I’m crushed, as I’m sure most of America’s viewers are. Kiptyn walks toward the podium of death not knowing that Jillian is going to blow his heart out, and all we can do is watch as the madness unfolds. He opens with unbelievably sweet words that would make the coldest heart melt…then Jillian delivers the news: “I’ve fallen in love with someone else.” Exit a heartbroken Kiptyn, followed by my angry screams at the TV.

But wait, there’s hope! Reid pulls up in a red taxi (and horrendously underdressed) to save the day. Apparently he had to pull a lot of strings to get here (i.e. he had to promise production that he would propose?), and he’s here to shake things up. Enter Reid and watch as Jillian doesn’t know how to function because she’s in shock. And Reid does exactly what he promises: he tells Jillian that he loves her, then gets down on one knee and proposes, only to be told by Jillian that she needs to think about it. After a brief pep talk from Chris, she turns Reid down, too, leaving just Ed, this season’s token Mr. Wrong.

At this point, I paused my DVR to take a brief break my world of the moment crumbling down around me when I notice ABC’s description of this episode: “a shocking confession changes everything.” Let’s recap what was shocking: Kiptyn showing emotion, Kiptyn saying he’s ready to settle down, Kiptyn committing to Jillian, and even Reid telling Jillian how he feels—and yet they changed nothing. Nothing! No, instead we get…Ed.

Hoping for some last bit of drama, Jillian vents: “Ed better not f***ing disappoint me!” Woah girl, calm down, I’m sure he’ll be eager to accept, considering there’s not nearly enough time for anything new to happen. And, no surprise, Ed comes in, Jillian is all smiles, he makes some half-cheesy proposal, then he stands up and they kiss, showing America yet again how awkward of a couple they make.

And yet another disappointing end for me of this show. At least there’s a new season of The Bachelor to look forward to—the question is: who will the lucky guy be? Here’s to hoping it’s Kiptyn or Jake.

Tune in tomorrow night on ABC at 10/9c for the After the Final Rose show to catch up with the happy couple (barf) and the snubbed man of the night, Kiptyn!

(Image courtesy of ABC)