By Ashley Thompson

Naked and Afraid: one man and one woman, both self-described survivalists, surviving in a remote location for 21 days.... naked and yes, afraid. This season starts in the Peruvian Amazon with Tyler, a 29 year old Las Vegas war vet, and AK, a 31 year old stay at home mom from Alabama. With Primitive Survival Ratings given before their adventure, Tyler is a confident 7.0 and AK is slightly lower at 6.7. Not too bad... mine is 7.5 in case you're wondering. (Find out your own with the PSR quiz)

''It's impossible for an American to survive 21 days." says the Peruvian boat driver, and he was right! Three contestants, including both Tyler and AK, bow out before day 6, with the first contestant quitting before the initial boat ride was even over. As in he never even got naked!

A quick glance at each others goodies and they're good to go. With Tylers' machete and AK's fire starter, their mission is to hike two miles to higher ground, equipped with water and electric eels, before needing a raft for a 12 mile drift up the Amazon to their extraction point, where they will be rescued via helicopter. No big deal.

On a toasty 101 degree day shelter seems to be the highest priority. They quickly find, that even with a flint, starting a fire will not be easy... even if it is much needed to ease the pain of those unrelenting mosquitoes. I know what you're thinking, "Why didn't they mud-mask themselves?". What do you think the Amazon is, a spa? I had the same thought. Apparently mud baths don't work in the Amazon as far as mosquito repellant goes. What does work? According to Tyler, termites spread all over your body and a burning termite nest to "smoke" them out. Guess what? It didn't work. (We might learn exactly why later.) "I don't know how much more I can take", exclaims Tyler. Me, either! My phone buzzed next to me and I swatted like the mosquitoes were attacking me, too.

Best mosquito/bug quotes so far:
"I've never had something so small, like mosquitoes, mess with my head so much." - Tyler
"Fire ants are just biting the s*** out of my butt-hole and I don't even care anymore because I'm so tired." - Tyler
"I don't think I've gotten more than an hour of sleep the whole time. Theres just no possible way 'cause right now they're eating my vajayjay alive." - AK

Shortly thereafter AK bows out, dropping her PSR down to 4.3, and Tyler is left with the realization that he is alone for the next 17 days. Sounds like fun. Tyler's not far behind. After crossing a murky river, evidently full of deadly creatures like man-eating piranhas, but anything is better than pulling a fire ant out of your crotch. Tyler breaks. "13 months in Afghanistan didn't do to me physically, mentally, what this five days of being out here in the jungle has done. The worst parts of Afghanistan don't even start to equal how bad it is here." "I'm done." Wow! That's an intense comparison, my friend. Tylers' PSR drops down to 4.4.

Oh, the episodes not over. This is just the beginning. There's a bazillion more mosquitoes worth discussing.

Now that the angry Amazon has claimed three casualties, it's only right that we send in two more victims. This time we're doing it pro-style. We have EJ, a 48 year old retired vet from North Carolina who you might remember survived 21 days in Tanzania, and Lauren, a 28 year old back-country guide who survived 21 days in Panama. Both coming in with PSR scores of 8.2. They're not playing games. They're given the same survival tools as Tyler and AK and they quickly find the old camp. Remember when I hinted that we'd find out why the mosquitoes were so bad for those two? Here it is: apparently their camp was surrounded by water on at least three sides. Yep, that'll do it. So, EJ and Lauren find a new place to camp, because, well, they have PSRs of 8.2... they're smart. Except when they're not! Nothing will stop those American-hungry blood suckers!

When EJ uses the machete on himself Lauren bandages him up with some sterile leaves and all is well. Well enough to turn the tables on some flesh-eating piranhas with a thorn-and-grub fishing pole. No go, though. Those fishies are too clever.

By day 10 EJ is looking gaunt and attitudes are arriving. Protein is the new priority. Boa sounds nice. Like a yummy Amazon Tree Boa that is known for its aggression, especially towards humans, and who's bite can cause gangrene. Mmmmmm. But, nope. Too clever. Maybe that eel will do the trick! Some bizarre anger, aggression, and a bit of mocking, EJ lays down the law on the eel while Lauren lays down the disappointment. Much to our surprise, the military man gets a soft spot and apologizes for his "ogre in the closet" and they have a lovely meal of electric protein.

By day 16, priorities change once again. With nine miles to go, it's catamaran time. "'Bout tired of Mother Amazon kicking our a####." And so they build their incredible boat with chairs and impressive oars. With much physical labor and very little food and water, EJ is struggling and Lauren is noticing. Day 21: Lauren is paddling like a boss and EJ is falling asleep, clearly suffering from fatigue and malnutrition, and basically down for the count. Until....

SPOLIER ALERT!! They hear the helicopter! They made it! 21 days in the Peruvian Amazon, raising their PSR scores to a legit 9.1!

First meals outside of the jungle, Lauren: sushi, EJ: bacon cheeseburger and an iced cold beer.
Cheers, EJ!

Photo courtesy of Discovery