by Kylene Hamulak

 

All the drama on this season of Dance Moms has led to Nationals, which just happen to be taking place in New Orleans. The Big Easy? Yeah, I doubt it.

 

Pyramid this week starts with Paige and Nia being reprimanded for things that make Kelly roll her eyes and Holly shrug, so that's nothing new. Brooke is on the bottom row too, because her head piece fell off, and Kendall is there because...well, I guess because Jill can't keep her mouth shut. Surprisingly, the final headshot to be revealed is Peyton, as Abby exclaims, "Welcome to the team!"

 

Oh. So she's officially on the team now? The funny thing is, they showed the dancers all in a line and I was literally like, "Who is that freakishly tall girl? Oh...must be Gia, cause they're at Nationals and she's gotta help out." Nope. It was Peyton.

 

The group applauds, Leslie nudges Kristie, and then Abby adds, "...for this week."

 

Oh. So she's officially on the team...FOR now.

 

The second row begins with Chloe, who is reminded that she was a better dancer two years ago. She also didn't need as much therapy back then, Abby. Asia is smack in the middle too - she was good in the duet, but not so much in the group. I was starting to wonder if Mackenzie even made pyramid when Abby reveals her photo, praises her solo, and then reminds her that she fell on her head. Of course, Maddie is on top of the pyramid.

 

It seems Candy Apple Cathy will be making a Nationals appearance, though God knows what team she'll show up with. Jill does not think this bodes well. "Every time we see her, bad things happen." Starting, I'm sure, with...you know, SEEING her.

 

All the girls are in the group routine, a tribute to Hurricane Katrina survivors. Abby announces that everyone will be learning a solo for Nationals. Peyton and Brooke will learn the same choreography and WAIT.

 

DID YOU GUYS SEE LESLIE'S HAIR? That's a sweet bump it bouffant she's got going on!  Even though Leslie declares, "My daughter's a STAR," it's that HAIR that's really shining tonight.

 

But back to the routines. Chloe and Kendall will be learning the same choreography as well, and, of course, it's a battle of Mackenzie vs. Asia. Nia and Paige will be learning the same choreography as Maddie, so basically they might as well pack a few decks of Uno cards, because they're obviously not dancing at competition.

 

Let's check in on the Crazy Apples, shall we? Cathy has replaced Anthony with choreography Blake McGrath, and she's lecturing the team about wearing their jackets all the time. You know, so people know who they are. Kind of like a gang. "You sleep with that jacket like it's your blankey," Cathy tells them.

 

Ok then. That's enough of them.

 

So the week of Nationals, ALDC is not only competing against other teams (and the Candy Apples), but the girls are competing against each other for those solo spots. And in case you missed it the entire season, there is another lovely debate over whether or not Peyton (and Leslie) are on the team.

 

In the studio, Mackenzie and Asia are asked to improv to "Dance Doctor" so Abby can see how they feel the music. Asia, apparently, feels it like a drag queen and Mackenzie feels it like me at every dance I was at in middle school. Meaning...arms crossed, barely bending my knees. Melissa gets PISSSSED off and grabs her child by the arm to make her sit down if she doesn't want to dance, yelling, "IMPROV! You do it at home all the time, you're ADORABLE!" There's a pep talk for ya, Mackenzie. This round goes to Asia.

 

The other girls rush in and out of their rehearsal battles, but the Nia vs. Paige vs. Maddie routine, according to the Moms, seems to be getting a little bit more attention than the others. Well, of COURSE it is - this is Maddie's solo! As Holly points out, it doesn't take a doctor to know who this dance belongs to. Oh, except that MELISSA "doesn't definitely know anything." She tells the Moms that. You know, right after telling US that it's Maddie's solo, but it's good for the other girls to dance with her daughter. You know...like for practice.

 

And then Leslie opens her mouth again. This time, she's battling Christi, claiming that Chloe gets as many opportunities as Maddie, then complaining about...oh, Leslie. Even when they're wrong, you're more wrong than they are.

 

Stress is high. Let's go shopping...for cocktails and voodoo dolls! The Moms are toasting on Bourbon St with Candy Apple voodoo dolls, and since they all have colorful drinks in their hands, I won't be surprised if they start begging for beads soon too.

 

Oh. Yep. There ya go, Melissa. There's some shimmy and some shakes and thank GOD this is Lifetime and they're not allowed to take their tops off. Because, oh yes, they would've.

 

But a serious moment, readers. Kristie has something important to say. Following Nationals, Asia will be officially retired as a competitive dancer. They're going back to LA to explore some of the "amazing opportunities" she has been offered.

 

And Leslie apparently thinks that's her amazing opportunity to move in on the team. Let's talk for a moment about why this is crazy. At least when Peyton "replaced" Brooke, they were similar dancers. Asia and Peyton? Exactly how are you fitting those puzzle pieces, Leslie?

 

Apparently ladies' bonding time is done, however, and Jill warns us that Christi has been drinking all day, and Leslie has been drinking all night. I'm not even sure how it happened, but Christi yells something about being a real Dance Mom and all hell breaks loose. Christi knocks Leslie's drink (ok, that was probably uncalled for), but then Leslie goes absolutely crazy, beating on Christi, fighting the crew member who jumped in to intervene, throwing her purse...Christi looks absolutely stunned in the aftermath.

 

At the studio the next day, the Dance Moms (you know, the real ones...and Kristie, but no Leslie) are processing the events, fully in defense of Christi. Well, except for Kristie, who then begins defending Leslie on behalf of all the times a story has been told amongst these women when someone isn't there to defend herself. Christi tells her to simma down, Kristie throws out an f-bomb, Melissa informs her that they don't curse, and Kristie - in my favorite line of the night so far - replies, "You guys all do it. Except Holly." Who is sitting with a raised eye brow watching this erupt.

 

Kristie. Is. Done. She has had enough and meets Abby at the door to tell her that she's leaving due to the incident. They decide to tell Asia and the other girls together that Asia will not be competing, and as Abby starts to get choked up, I wonder if it's because she'll miss Asia or because she doesn't think they'll be able to pull out the win.

 

As a side note, I can't really understand at this point why Kristie couldn't have just left Asia and removed herself from the peanut gallery. My eyebrow is raised, Dance Moms.

 

Abby calls the Moms in next and informs Christi, "You're out." Like, what is this? Am I watching American Idol? When did this become a reality show with eliminations? Unfortunately, if Christi is out, it means Chloe is too. And that makes me sad. Leslie is eliminated too, which means ALDC is down by three dancers - Asia, Chloe, and Peyton.

 

Let's take a breather and catch up with the Crazy Apples. Their group routine is called "Voo Doo" and Vivi has a giant blue stuffed penguin in her lap. Not as part of the group routine. That's all I really care about in this segment though.

 

ALDC solos are announced: Maddie gets her solo of course, and Kendall and Mackenzie get theirs by default, as the competition has been dismissed. Brooke, however, does not have a solo - Abby doesn't want to mess with the title she won last year.

 

Soooo....Nationals. Cathy apparently did math and saw that ALDC is a few people short, which apparently puts them all on a level playing field. Apparently.

 

Would you like to know what Abby's pep talk for Mackenzie was? Basically, she better win or, "You, little saint, can go marching right on out of here." Ah, Abby - always so creative! In the hallway, however, when Crazy Cathy makes a comment about Abby coaching Mackenzie (like, actual support this time), Abby proudly raises Kenzie's hand and refer to her as her daughter. Which, true, is a little weird and somewhat inappropriate, but you know...when confronted by Crazy Apples, ALDC sticks together. The routine seems strong, and she remembers it all...plus? She didn't fall on her face, so that's, like, an infinite improvement over the last time she was on stage.

 

Kendall's "Voodoo Doll" solo is next, and she looks amazing. Jill calls it "a personal best for that kid," and I think she's right - it was very well done. Maddie is dancing her solo to "Amazing Grace." Ok, I call party foul. How can anyone hear that song and not be moved? And to watch Maddie gracefully move around? It's not even fair. Abby calls her "an angel on that stage."

 

We don't see any Candy Apple solos, but we do get a look at their group number, "Voodoo." It's powerful and strong, and the Candy Apples seem pretty confident. But then ALDC takes the stage for "Home Again" and you'd never know they were missing anyone if you weren't actually looking for Chloe, like I was. It's beautiful, though it's still tough to guess who will take the title.

 

Awards begin with Mackenzie taking 2^nd Place, and no one seems to really know how to react. Do you smile? Clap? Uhhh...best to move along. Kendall gets a 2^nd Place finish too, but that one is a little easier to judge a reaction for, since it means Maddie has won the National Title...and also got the sparkle confetti shower from someone offstage, which is pretty much my dream in life.

 

And then there was breath holding, as the groups are announced...until Candy Apples were announced as 2^nd Place. Abby put down her purse to prepare for the celebration as our ALDC girls took the National Title for the Junior Group. It's a great moment for everyone. Well, except for Chloe. I'm still sad for her.

 

As the girls and Moms celebrate with Abby backstage, Abby congratulates them and acknowledges that, with her mom's health issues, she doesn't know what the future will bring. I guess that's as much of a cliffhanger as Dance Moms can give us.

 

What did you think about the finale? What was your favorite routine of the season?

 

(Image Courtesy of Lifetime)

 

Follow Kylene on Twitter at @keepingupwithky!