by Kylene Hamulak

 

"The Girl Who Cries Home"

 

After moving into the sorority house, the would-be models of Cycle 19 are about to experience their first challenge, and we're all about to experience our first squeal-fest as Tyra explains what's about to go down. There's a lot of high pitched yelling and crying every time Tyra enters the room, so I guess we should get used to this.

 

The girls are barely coming to terms with the fact that the real competition is just beginning when their host teases them with a tour of "The Tyra Suite." It's a super swanky room filled with all the things "that every girl would ever want" with a twice as big bed and...like...Tyra-isms all over the walls. Oh! And a super secret giant skeleton key to enter that only a select few will have! That's right - the girl who wins "Best Photo" will win the Tyra Suite for that week!

 

As final surprise, Tyra tells all the girls that each week's challenge comes with a prize of a $10,000 scholarship deposited into a Top Model account. For college students, that's a pretty big deal. Part of me still wonders how many of them would rather spend a week in the Tyra Suite though. The catch? Only the girl who WINS the entire competition will be able to cash in the prize money she's earned. Tricky Tyra!

 

The girls are set loose in the backyard, where we see all the fun games they have at their disposal. This includes a giant chess set, which Harvard's Maria doesn't know how to play. By the way, she graduated high school at 12. And college at 16. And grad school at 21. AND she was the one talking about how hard it's been for her to be so beautiful all her life in the premiere episode. It's always so tough to listen to these tragic stories.

 

And then there's Victoria. I'm trying reaaaallllly hard not to be judgmental about her! Online learning is one thing, and I can respect that. Missing her mom? That's cool, lots of people consider their mom their best friend. She loses me, however, when she tells us she's NEVER getting a boyfriend because, and I quote, "I get all of the satisfaction of a relationship that I need from my mom."

 

(blinks) Uhhh...ok? I guess that's...no, nope, that's not normal. But ok, we'll come back to that I'm sure.

 

The girls are just hanging out doing girly things that girls do when all of a sudden, they hear crazy stomping downstairs. Insane squealing ensues (I PROMISE you, America - this is NOT what normally happens when you stick a dozen young women in a house together), and they run down to see the Iota Phi Theta Step Team. And Rob Evans to invite them for a night in Hollywood. And more squealing. (Except this time it was me. And the girls. But yes, also me.)

 

So they go to Club Eden where they meet Jonte', who will be their movement mentor. Their first challenge is to, as Jonte' says, strut and dance in the club, and whoever does it the best will be the first to win the key to the Tyra Suite.

 

Kiara is the first to volunteer, and she thinks she does pretty well. Jessie? Everyone loves Jessie...until she gets on the runway and "ruins the whole fantasy," according to Jonte'. Destiny is growing on me, as she's uncomfortable with the challenge. "I feel like no matter how you spin it," she says, "you're gonna look like a ho." She's got a point.

 

Then there's Leila...who walks right into a hoop hanging from the ceiling. I chuckled, and I was not alone, which was probably not her desired effect. Kristin jumps up and the censor dot comes out (because so does her ass. Out of her dress). Maria explains that she's just mature because she's the only Ivy. Wow, her charm and humility knows no limitations!

 

Yvonne was on her dance team and says dancing comes naturally to her, so she gives a leg kick that gets quite a reaction from the crowd. Allyssa embraces her Brazilian heritage, but she was NOT impressed by Yvonne lifting her leg. Don't worry about Victoria - she thinks she did a GREAT job infusing her own personality.

 

So who has won the first challenge? Jonte' declares YVONNE the winner. After the announcement, all the bitter girls sit around pretending to have a good time and be friends when P'Trique shows up with a riddle from Tyra about the next day's challenge, which makes very little sense.

 

Back at the house, the scores have been posted, and some of the girls are curious about why their scores were so low. One of those girls is Destiny, and Kiara tells her she thought maybe it was too much like a stripper. Destiny is pissed and talks about it to the other girls and - of course! - Kiara is just around the corner, hearing the entire thing. Cue the catfight! How long before these girls start realizing they should be more careful when they're going to gossip?

 

The next day, the girls arrive at their photo shoot to discover it is at a taxidermist. And what do you expect to find there? Deer, rabbits, Shenae Grimes from 90210...that seems about right. She'll be there as the photographer! The girls will literally be animal heads, so they will not be using their bodies at all - they'll be expressing with their eyes. Smize everyone!

 

It's kind of a weird shoot, as the girls stick their heads through the boards and try to channel the dead animals. Anastasia and Allyssa get high marks from Johnny, while he doesn't really appreciate Kristin's attitude. Everyone wants so badly for Jessie to do well, but even she knows her best feature is her ass...which does her no good when it's hidden behind a wall.

 

Back at the house, Kiara is telling the other girls about how she basically raised her siblings without a supportive mom, while Victoria is once again sharing how important her own mother is to her. And that's totally fine. It just gets totally weird when she calls her mom in the little phone both and has a huge dramatic reaction to the sound of her voice.

 

Meeting with the judges, the girls get their first real feedback...as well as the results of the first elimination. The scoring will combine a judges' score, a challenge score, and a social media score to determine the final point total.

 

YVONNE: Winner of the challenge, the judges think her photos were above average, but had the potential to be more. Bryanboy reports that the fans love her. Judges Scores: 6 (Kelly) + 6 (Tyra) + 6 (Rob)

 

KIARA: Bryanboy tells Kiara that she had the lowest score from the fans and will really need to step up to win it. Judges Scores: 7 (Kelly) + 7 (Tyra) + 8 (Rob)

 

JESSIE: All of the judges, including the fans, want more intensity and personality from Jessie. Judges Scores: 4 (Kelly) + 5 (Tyra) + 4 (Rob)

 

LAURA: Everyone is impressed by Laura's photos, including the fans. Judges Scores: 8 (Kelly) + 9 (Tyra) + 8 (Rob)

 

MARIA: The judges tell Maria she needs to work her neck and angles more, and she fires back that she did...and she doesn't think this was her best shot. Bryanboy reports that she barely made an impact on social media, though one fan commented on the "$10,000 shopping spree bags" under her eyes. Ouch! Judges Scores: 5 (Kelly) + 6 (Tyra) + 6 (Rob)

 

LEILA: Leila does great with the judges and fans, and she's one of my favorites so far too. Her look sets her apart and puts her closer to "high fashion" than some of the other girls. Judges Scores: 10 (Kelly) + 10 (Tyra) + 10 (Rob)

 

DARIAN: According to Brianboy, Darian was another model with very low social media scores - he specifically mentions that the fans hate her braids, though she does offer to try something different with a makeover. Judges Scores: 5 (Kelly) + 6 (Tyra) + 5 (Rob)

 

BRITTANY: Kelly, Tyra and Rob are all sort of ambivalent about her photo. The fans? Not ambivalent. Bryanboy reports that the fans find her arrogant and aren't responding positively to her. And then she starts crying. Judges Scores: 9 (Kelly) + 7 (Tyra) + 6 (Rob)

 

KRISTIN: Kristin is a huge hit with the fans according to Bryanboy and a random viewer from Greece who submitted a video that I'm pretty sure probably had a proposal attached to it. The judges give her high marks despite the fact that she looked alive instead of dead. Brownie points for being beautiful, I guess. Judges Scores: 9 (Kelly) + 8 (Tyra) + 7 (Rob)

 

ALLYSSA: Kelly and Rob didn't really get Allyssa's intended emotion, but Tyra was impressed. Judges Scores: 5 (Kelly) + 9 (Tyra) + 6 (Rob)

 

VICTORIA: Once again, Kelly and Rob aren't really sure what to do with Victoria's photo, but Tyra sees "pissed off, angry, fierce." Which is a good thing. Bryanboy also shares thoughts from a fan who really likes her confident personality. Judges Scores: 5 (Kelly) + 8 (Tyra) + 6 (Rob)

 

NASTASIA: The judges think Nastasia has a lot of potential and liked her photo. Judges Scores: 7 (Kelly) + 8 (Tyra) + 8 (Rob)

 

DESTINY: All of the judges seem unimpressed with her photo, questioning whether she has what it takes to be a model, instead of just being average. Judges Scores: 6 (Kelly) + 6 (Tyra) + 5 (Rob)

 

After the scores are tabulated, it is revealed that Leila has the highest score and best photo, with 40.4 points. As winner of "Best Photo," Leila joins Yvonne with access to the suite. The runner up is Nastasia, with 36.6 points, followed by Brittany, Laura, Kristin, Kiara, Yvonne, Allyssa, Victoria, Darian, and Maria.

 

The final two girls awaiting news of their fate are Destiny and Jessie. As the numbers flip and scores are revealed, Destiny has a final score of 26.9, enough to beat Jessie's 22.4. Jessie is the first of the 13 models to be eliminated. Sort of.

 

As Bryanboy reveals, the eliminated contestants will continue to participate in the photo shoots and be scored in social media. Competing against the other eliminated girls, the model with the highest social media average will earn her way back into the running to be America's Next Top Model.

Is it just me or is America's work as a judge never done?

 

 

America's Next Top Model airs Fridays at 8/7c on The CW.

 

(Image courtesy of The CW)