by Kylene Hamulak

With all the controversy surrounding the airing of The Glass House, the actual content of the premiere has a lot to live up to in the drama department. For me, going into my viewing of Episode 1, I fully expected it to be like a live action Sims game, where we get to pick the details of their daily lives and then watch as our choices lead them into unexpected disastrous situations.

 

So what, exactly, is The Glass House? Within fifteen seconds of the episode, a voiceover explains that it is a "stunning, transparent living space with no secrets." My assessment within 47 seconds of the episode? It's a box containing 14 of the most obnoxious people you could imagine making questionable choices that lead to entertainment for all of us.

 

The Players:

 

Alex, 25: Calls himself "Primetime 99" and informs us all he has no shame, which I could've already guessed by his hooting and hollering the second he stepped foot in the house.

 

Andrea, 31: A Mormon mom, Andrea is just here to play the game, despite how far out of her comfort zone it is. (There was probably another hobby she could've pursued that would've made more sense.)
Ashley, 30: Ashley promises us she won't be fake or talk about others behind their backs. Yeah...something tells me that either Ashley or that strategy is going to be gone from this show pretty quickly.

 

Apollo, 28: The second this guy told us his name was "Apollo Poetry" and his graphic told me he's an artist/poet, I stopped paying attention to all of the things he believes in. He's kidding, right?

 

Gene, 28: Gene describes himself as "huge awesomeness." I'm surprised it's not humbleness.

 

Erica, 27: "Broke as a joke," Erica knows the stakes are high in this game.

 

Jacob, 28: Apparently, Jacob also knows what the public wants, and according to him, it's a funny guy with a goofy personality and good looks. He's right - that is what I want, but it remains to be seen if it's what he delivers.

 

Holly, 21: Holly assures us that she's very real. She's outgoing, smart, and not only beautiful, but also has the brains to back it up. All of that is directly from her. Once again, modesty has no place in The Glass House.

 

Jeffrey, 35: The "hot, fat, gay guy" will be interesting to watch - he's certainly got personality to set him apart, but it remains to be seen whether that's a good thing or not.

 

Joy, 27: Joy is a very well-rounded contestant. She's a mom, she's a nurse, she posed for Playboy...wait, what? How did those three even end up in the same sentence?

 

Robin, 43: Speaking slowly as if we might not understand her otherwise, Robin tells us she was "born to be a Jewish mother" and she has no problem being the mother figure of the house.

 

Kevin, 33: A police officer, Kevin has a 15-year-old daughter as his inspiration, and he seems like the normal one in this crew. (That might not be saying much.)

 

Stephanie, 32: Like Holly, Stephanie thinks it's important to tell us that she's a very "real" person. She's a scientist, not a "fake wannabe actress" or something, so I guess her appearance on the show is all about the experiment in the name of Science.

 

Mike, 48: Mike informs us that he's on the show as his last hurrah because he's 48 and "gonna be dead in a couple years." Cue the Debbie Downer "womp womp woooomp."

 

So now that all the contestants have arrived at the house, Alex - "Prime time 99," as he refers to himself AGAIN - is physically greeting everyone. He considers himself a charmer. We're not even ten minutes in and I consider him kind of creepy. Just as Alex and one of the other "alpha contestants" - I don't know which one it was, probably Jacob? - are forming reality TV's quickest alliance ever, a few chimes get everyone's attention as a disembodied voice invites them to "The Wall."

 

The Wall is a giant TV screen where the contestants will see the decisions chosen by the viewing public, who voted on questions at abc.com/glasshouse to influence the game. The first choice was in how teams would be created - old vs. young, men vs. women, or east vs. west. The contestants make their predictions before the results are revealed: The viewers have chosen East vs. West to assign teams for the first challenge.

 

As the contestants form their teams, I'm reminded of those awkward office ice breakers you have to do at conferences to learn more about the people sitting at your table. It gets even more awkward when Jacob starts yelling out "Oregon? OREGON?" because he doesn't know he's on the West Coast. It's hard to tell if he's serious, and it's already an act that got old quickly. (Also old? Mike's Boston t-shirts.)

 

The disembodied voice explains that the teams have one day to pick captains, understanding that the losing captain will be placed in Limbo with one other member of the losing team. From there, viewers will decide which of the two will be saved. Holly explains to us that contestants want to avoid Limbo because the longer you stay out of Limbo, the longer you stay in the house. Gee, ya THINK?

 

The teams debate who will volunteer to be captain, with Jacob on the West Coast team considering the role, and Alex encouraging that. Meanwhile, the viewers have selected viewing quarters for some of them, and they really do look like rooms from the Sims game my friend made once.

 

In the "Enemies Room", Holly and Robin have been assigned as roommates. Apparently because Robin is the oldest and Holly is the youngest, they're destined to be at odds? Well, they will be if Robin hears that Holly figures she's in her 60's or late 50's! Robin's strategy is to get rid of all the "boys" first - "I'm not interested in anything I could've given birth to," she says.

 

The "Friends Room" is assigned to Erica and Andrea. Erica's broke, remember. She's just happy to have a bed. Which, ironically, some of the others do not, as the house is two beds short. Alex decides he'll take the couch, and he's getting to know Kevin a little better when the chimes ring out again, signaling another decision by the viewers.

 

The viewers are voting this time on what type of welcoming party the contestants should have, choosing "Pool Party" over "Pajama Party." Gene is thrilled with the prospect of so many bikinis (on the women...not for himself), and Holly tells us she does intend to use her body in the competition (because if only they knew she studied psychology, it would be "the worst play EVER" for her to put out there).

 

Next the audience chooses which party accessories the players should receive, opting for Mardis Gras beads and feather boas over giant sunglasses and party hats. Alex (in a pool party get up that looks like 7th grade gym clothes) and Jacob have this weird, manly (?) exchange to celebrate how awesome they are at predicting responses.

 

So the pool party begins, and Jeffrey is all excited to have a feather boa. Unfortunately, when he gets into the hot tub (because apparently that's what "pool" refers to in a glass house), it floods, but he doesn't care. The viewers end up providing umbrella drinks and a sushi platter for the party, and everyone is happy. Happiest of all was Alex when the party game was chosen - "kiss and blow." His highlight wasn't playing with

 

Joy - it was watching Mike "kiss" Jeffrey. Um, really? It wasn't that funny. I'm wondering about you, Alex. Just so we're clear.

 

Anyway, after the party, the teams meet to choose their captains. Alex sort of tricks Jacob into volunteering for West Coast, but Jacob insists that his team is going to win, so it doesn't really matter if he's the captain or not. East Coast ends up with Jeffrey as their captain, as he volunteers in the name of unity for his team. Apollo, meanwhile, makes some sweeping declaration about how he's NOT playing and refuses to form alliances or back stab, but will base his votes on a deck of playing cards that symbolize the other players. Uhhh....ok?

 

Getting to the first challenge:

 

West Team heads to the arena first to match up names of their opposing teammates to a revealing fact via a series of moving blocks that the team must communicate to match up. The game itself isn't hard to understand when you can see it, but it would take me a lot of words to explain it without visual, so just trust me on this.

 

Alex takes control of dedicating both roles and declaring which people match which facts. Newsflash? He's wrong about everything. And the team is just yelling at each other. Eventually they get it together, but it's pretty much chaos, though Gene is pretty confident that East will not be able to beat their time. When East Coast steps up to the challenge, they're much more organized, and they actually have a method.

 

Though it's hard to tell if they were faster or just edited that way, the results reveal actual times: West took 7:04 to complete the challenge, while East finished in almost half that time, 3:54.

 

Not surprisingly, West is upset that they lost the challenge, and Jacob and Alex are convinced that the two of them are targets for Limbo because they're both the best players ever. (Note: I'm paraphrasing, but that's basically the gist of it.) Since Jacob was captain, he's at risk anyway, but Alex is forming alliances wherever he can to make sure it won't be him too. If he's as annoying in the house as he appears to be on TV, his housemates probably can't wait for him to leave.

 

Leading up to the vote, the housemates loosen up a little more, and Joy is getting flirtatiously frisky with...well...everyone. She challenges Alex to wear one of her thongs, which he agrees to in the name of "Prime time 99 Alex Stein." Which he has now said at least four times. Again, I'm just saying...he's giving off vibes, and walking around in her thong is not going to help that for me.

 

So yeah, Alex puts on tight little underwear and parades around the house. He claims it's to make things interesting, except no one really seems interested. They all just seem to be experiencing extreme secondhand embarrassment, and Kevin - who may be the voice of reason - tells him it's inappropriate. Alex's response? He thinks Kevin needs to step into 2012. And then he calls him "a square" because THAT'S a phrase right out of this millennium.

 

The next chimes signal an interesting segment for The Glass House - the players have submitted questions for the viewers, but the responses are provided in a way so that only the player can understand it. They range from general things (like results of The Bachelorette) to strategic advice (who is more important to align with, men or women). Alex asked viewers if he should become an epic reality TV villain...and they answered yes.

 

What the hell, America? Do you REALLY want to see him parading around in women's underwear? Because THAT is what you're encouraging. I hope you're happy. Alex has taken the answer as his license to be a jerk and instigate fights with just about everyone in the house, but that's his strategy. And as much as I hate to admit it, he's certainly the most prominent personality on the show right now.

 

So as Alex is going around the house making inappropriate remarks to all the women and pretty much making enemies of everyone, Jacob is moping around like Eeyore. All the confidence he had leading into the challenge has been deflated, unlike Alex and his a-holery.

 

When the players go in to vote for the second contestant to join Jacob in Limbo, we see several of them place their seemingly magical rocks on some magical pedestal that magically brings speaks to The (magical) Wall and brings up their choices. Ten of the players choose to send Alex to Limbo, and as he makes the walk over, he makes sure he gets a couple of digs in about Erica's weight and calls Joy a stripper.

 

Then something happened that ticks me off. Remember how The Glass House is supposed to be OUR show? Where we, the audience, call the shots?

 

Not this week. A voiceover tells us that minutes later, Jacob decided to quit the game....but Alex is still in jeopardy. And even though I've watched enough reality TV to know that the obnoxious one is NEVER the first to get voted off...
...I'm still going to cast my vote tonight.

 

 

The Glass House airs Mondays at 10/9c on ABC.

 

(Image courtesy of ABC)