by Kylene Hamulak

 

Bravo's newest reality show, Around the World in 80 Plates, combines two things that make me very happy: food and traveling. I'm really excited to see where this show takes me and my tastebuds. It's the Amazing Race meets Top Chef meets Survivor!

 

The basics: Twelve chefs, working in teams, will be given a culinary challenge that will test their "skills, stamina, and knowledge of local cuisine" (ahem - Amazing Race) before taking over a restaurant where local diners will determine the winning team (Top Chef). The losing team will then chose which of their chefs will be sent home (Survivor...it could be Biggest Loser too, but it seems wrong to bring the Losers into a food competition.)

 

The chefs:

 

Chaz Brown - "a beast" in the kitchen

 

Gary Walker - former sorority house private chef described himself as Mrs. Garrett. Facts of Life shout out for the win!

 

Sai Pituk - thinks people would rather get things cookin' (if you know what I mean) with her than with Paula Deen. (I'm pretty sure the health department might take issue with her kitchen after some of those steamy - literally - photo shoots though!)

 

Steve "Nookie" Postal - trying to remain neutral until he gives me another reason to dislike him. I mean, being the Boston Red Sox's Executive Chef is probably a decent enough excuse, but I chuckled when he said that people think he just cooks hot dogs because he works at the ballpark.

 

Liz Garrett - underestimated because people always think she's younger (Nookie says is that he thought she was 12, and wondered if she needed a chaperone for the flight over. Well played, Liz.)

 

Clara Moore - promises her eight siblings have made her competitive enough to arm wrestle

 

John Vermiglio - cooked for two Presidents, Oprah, and Elmo. I'm not even sure why he's on the show, what more could he hope to accomplish?!

 

Cheven - yes, Chef Keven Lee; he considers himself a rising star chef. Oooofcourse he does.

 

The chefs meet our hosts Curtis Stone and Cat Cora outside of Borough Market, where their first task is to divide themselves into two teams, on the spot. I would've failed this task already. We still haven't met all of our chefs yet, and they haven't met each other, so they're scrambling to find groups.

 

Avery Pursell - feels like she's at a disadvantage because she doesn't know anyone's history. I feel the same way about her, but at least she got her name on the screen. Seven minutes in, I still don't know who the lady with the scarf is.

 

Curtis explains that "The Course" is a race to immerse the chefs in the local food culture, and Cat tells the group that the winning team will win the "Exceptional Ingredient" that will be a huge advantage in "The Takeover" of the kitchens.

 

The first task is a Pub Crawl, where the teams must order the classic food and drink item from each menu. As the teams run off, Scarf Lady gets her own screen time - not her name, however. Just the humiliation of totally wiping out on the street. Maybe she asked not to have her name revealed until we forget about that little mishap?

 

Nookie - of The Red Team - decides they're taking a cab, while the Black Team is all about running to their first destination. This doesn't sit well with Nick LaCasse, who seems to think Cheven doesn't know where he's going. Gosh, I could never have predicted THAT scenario! Chef Sai - oh she of sexy kitchen poses - was apparently in the Army, however, and takes control of the situation. Who knew she was so versatile!

 

Red arrives at the destination first, and Jenna Johansen tells us that she really believes that experiencing all this culture will change her food for life. I think she might actually be Scarf Lady. She took the scarf off, but she can't fool me. I know what it looks like when someone falls down in public.

 

The Course is to finish three plates of black pudding hash and drink one Pimm's cocktail. I KNEW black pudding was going to be on there! And this marks the SECOND time I would've been eliminated from the competition. The team is served both their drinks and the pudding, and I'm glad I'm not the only one cringing.

 

Meanwhile, Black is still lost. And fighting. And by the time they actually DO make it to the first pub, Red is just about done with enough time to mock Black for walking when there's money for a cab.

 

As I watch Black devour their blood pudding trying to make up for time, I find myself agreeing with Chaz - he says he's taking photographs with his eyes because they're eating so fast they can't savor it. Someone's gonna throw up at some point during this show, I guarantee.

 

Course Two gives Red a choice: Eat three steak and kidney pies or drink three yards of ale. Seems like an easy choice for the team, as they consider how long the food would take vs. the beer. Nookie is confident that they can just throw the beers back and get back out there...which makes me wonder what the catch is.

 

The catch is that it is THREE YARDS OF ALE. Ah, but our friend Gary used to work in a sorority house - he thinks that training will be good for something. They're making impressive headway as we check back with Black who, surprisingly, aren't as far behind as I would've expected.

 

Red Team still completes the course first, but now that they're all drunk, I wonder how they're going to find the third pub. This is EXACTLY how I always hoped Americans would take over London. Both teams are stumbling towards the last pub where Curtis and Cat await them, Black only three minutes behind Red.

 

For the final course, the team must finish six plates of fish and chips and one pint of scrumpy. I'm telling you, if no one vomits, it's going to be a miracle. The gluttons of Red ultimately win the challenge, but after watching them eat and drink so much, I think I would've rather lost!

For the Takeover, the teams will be running the pubs of courses one and two, preparing five dishes of authentic pub fare. Three of them - fish and chips, black pudding hash, and a steak and kidney pie - are required, while the other two are the team's choice. Both teams seem to regret - if only slightly - bypassing the steak and kidney pie completely.

 

Red's Exceptional Ingredient is one shared by the three required dishes - the potato. Black team can only use them in one dish...which Liz points out is difficult when the menu item is fish and chips. The teams also learn that the losing team will have to send one of their own home, which frazzles all the chefs as they think about all the people they've already pissed off.

 

The teams go back to brainstorm about the venue, and Cheven and Sai are both adamant about doing a dessert. Cheven because he thinks he's awesome and Sai because she is POSITIVE Red won't be thinking dessert. Cut to Red, discussing how important it is to do a dessert.

 

After visiting the market the next day, the teams take on their respective pubs. Black will be at Duke of Cambridge, while Red takes over The Drapers Arms. The prep period is mostly uneventful, except for the moment where Black can't get the oven to light until Avery comes with a magic wand.

 

As diners start arriving, Sia is greeting the group, which includes Nigella. As in...Nigella Lawson. Which she gets a little fangirly about. Way to be cool, Sia. Chaz is taking control of the kitchen, which of course Cheven finds obnoxious.

 

Team Black serves fish and polenta chips, black pudding, steak and kidney pie, grilled halibut, and bread pudding, and then the chefs sit around the sidewalk while Chaz runs through all the things he knows that are British (James Bond, Harry Potter, the Queen you get the drift). While the ladies think he's funny, the men on his team are not amused.

 

Gary gets fangirly for Nigella too, but at least it wasn't in her face. Fun fact: it's very bad luck to change the name of a pub (which Gary did....stupid American).

 

Team Red tried to keep the dishes traditional - bubble and squeak, steak and kidney pie, fish and chips, ploughman's sandwich, black pudding hash - but Nigella's table seemed disappointed with some of the offerings.

 

The local diners seemed split on which pub was better, and the teams seem equally humble and confident (or not). The winning team for London, however, is Black - it seems the bread pudding won them all Safe Passage to the next city, but it's Chaz, not Cheven, who wins immunity for the next task.

 

As Red heads to the table, Cat informs them that the steak and kidney pie and blood pudding hash were the least favorite, and not having a dessert hurt them. Nookie has a strategy with his team and throws Clara right under the London double-decker bus - and it works!

 

Clara is the first contestant eliminated.

 

Too bad too - the next destination? Lyon, France! Cheers!

 

 

Around The World In 80 Plates airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo.

 

(Image courtesy of Bravo)