by Kylene Hamulak

 

Classical Night on Dancing With the Stars! We've got guest stars, we've got a full orchestra, we've got costumes that have very little relevance to the theme of the show...let's get started!

 

Team: Katherine and Mark
Dance: Rhumba
Katherine feels more comfortable knowing the music, and there's a lot of ass grabbing in their rehearsal because, as Mark points out, you can't spell classical without "ass". Their music is so odd for me - Canon in D = weddings or Christmas, not a rhumba. I'm confused about Katherine in a toga and Mark being a stripped gladiator. If you can get past that absurdity, however, it's a pretty routine, and Katherine is strong and steady throughout. Judges said:
9 - Len commends Kathryn for staying on time, despite the lack of a real clear rhythm in the music; routine had style and elegance; "good job."
9 - Bruno gives us a collection of clever descriptions about Katherine and notes that pieces of the routine looked as though they belonged "in a museum, lifted from a frieze in Greece"; as usual, he thinks it could've been raunchier but was technically superb.
9 - Carrie Ann notes that Katherine is technically unmatched in the competition; while her placement was perfect, however, she felt the passion didn't feel genuine and heated.
Score=27

Team: Melissa and Maks
Dance: Argentine Tango
So apparently Maks is injured. I know that because Tom said it about eight times before the intro package, and then their whole package was about how Maks' ankle was hurt. Val comes into the room for rehearsals as an insurance plan, but Maks is back for show time. I'm a girl who loves a tango, and this pair definitely put on a show. Judges said:
7 - Bruno describes the routine as if they were "riding the Cyclone in Coney Island;" he praises the effort, but says it got messy and wasn't clean.
7 - Carrie Ann keeps the travelogue references going, calling it a "sort of Cirque du Soleil" that went terribly wrong; she criticizes the lifts, saying they went for the matter of quantity vs. quality.
7 - Len reminds us that dance is a marriage between movement and music, and he thinks they pulled it off. He noted, however, that there was so much intensity that it did miss a bit of quality for the dance. (Sidenote: Shows how much I know. Apparently a show isn't enough around this dance floor....)
Score=21

 

Team: William and Cheryl
Dance: Viennese Waltz
Before rehearsals even start, Cheryl warns William that the Viennese Waltz is a very technical dance, while he warns us that he's not a classical guy. They've got bigger problems to worry about, however, as William's previous ankle injury is aggravated by the twists in the dance. On the dance floor, Jackie Evancho is singing Ave Maria, and I can hear my mother remarking that it is not right for that voice to come out of that little girl. Focus, Mother. Just listen and watch the dance. It's beautiful. And the audience is going nuts. Judges said:
9 - Carrie Ann: "That is true content, that is true dancing.... You find the story in the music.... You bring the romance to life."
9 - Len takes care of the globetrotting in this set of reviews, noting that while he wasn't transported to Vienna, he did make it to Austria. He tells William that he's been up and down week after week - "you were up."
9 - Bruno notes that the "Catholic boy from Cuba" captured the purity of the song; he saw vulnerability and thought William put his heart and soul into it; "you felt it, you lived it - that was so touching."
Score=27

 

Team: Roshon and Chelsie
Dance: Argentine Tango
Roshon thinks something isn't connecting. It's your swagger, Roshon. That's what's not connecting. Val steps into this rehearsal too, to try teach Roshon to be a man. Can ANYONE help this kid? This is, like, the third week in a row that he's seeking advice on being a man. They're apparently dancing to the classical version of Bad Romance. As in, the Lady Gaga song, not some unreleased piece from Beethoven. There's a lot of clapping as the broadcast cuts away from the floor to focus on the show logo, and I've gotta wonder - was Roshon being too much of a man for the censors? (I assume there was a wardrobe malfunction, but it's not really mentioned.) Judges said:
8 - Len likes the transitions into the lifts; he thought it was in character, seamless; overall clean and confident, but would like to see Roshon's legs a little stronger.
8 - Bruno describes Roshon as having a slick line; most of the time very clean; work on strength in your legs, but great job.
9 - Carrie Ann gives Roshon a hug and welcomes him back to the competition before saying basically the opposite of Len and Bruno by describing him as steady on his feet. "Fantastic performance."
Score=25

 

Team: Donald and Peta
Dance: Viennese Waltz
Donald is very competitive, and proves it via thumb war with Peta. This man doesn't even want his kids to win, so you know he's serious about taking the mirror ball trophy home. Peta has choreographed a professional grade routine for Donald this week, and he tells us he is determined to give more. Accompanied by Vittorio Grigolo singing a song I will now have in my head for a week, I think Donald did, indeed, give more. Judges said:
9 - Bruno compliments Donald's sweeping drive and his passion; "Thank you, I loved it!"
9 - Carrie Ann says she loves Donald's intensity and notes that he is pristine and sharp; "loved the regal quality of this dance."
9 - Len tells us that Donald's coat makes him think of a dancing Ferrero Rocher, which is actually a really accurate description and makes me want a truffle. He also thought the dance was terrific and the footwork was spot on; "overall great job."
Score=27

 

Team: Maria and Derek
Dance: Paso Doble
Montagues and Capulets - that's the theme for Maria and Derek. And they play up the "sometimes he loves me, sometimes he wants to kill me" angle, which isn't exactly the Romeo and Juliet story that I remember, but most of what I know I learned from the Leonardo DiCaprio version. Anyway, Maria cries telling us she's not a dancer, Derek is frustrated and blames himself, but I'm actually kind of grateful we don't have to hear Maria laughing this week. On the dance floor, they've imagined it as a vampiress vs. slayer story, and I'll give it to them - they look good. Maybe tragedy is the way to go. Judges said:
10 - Carrie Ann: "That didn't suck." No, really, that's what she said. Verbatim. She also warns Katherine to watch her back cause Maria is coming at her.
10 - Normally I try to paraphrase for the sake of space, but Len needs to be quoted in full: "Sharp as a razor, crisp as a Pringle, and more tension than my grandmother's knicker elastics. You lived it and I loved it. Fantastic." Yes. Crisp as a Pringle. Seems to me Len has the munchies.
10 - Bruno compliments their structure and storytelling, calling it "absolutely spellbinding."
Score=30

 

Team: Jaleel and Kym
Dance: Viennese Waltz
Kym congratulates Jaleel for last week's job well done by presenting him with a stuffed koala that speaks Australian. It's a ruse though - Kym is about to toughen him up. Like William and Donald (who were also dancing the Viennese Waltz), Jaleel knows they've got to up the content if they want to compete. Their waltz is very elegant, but it's a little underwhelming. I forgot what I was watching for a minute. Judges said:
8 - Len "liked it enough not to be cruel, but not enough to be kind"; didn't quite work.
8 - Bruno says that, content-wise, he couldn't ask for more, but sometimes when you put too much in, it's not executed as well; as a story it was very nice.
8 - Carrie Ann tells Jaleel not to lose his confidence; performance feels bigger and broader; she warns him to watch his hands, but I don't know why she's wasting her breath. They've told him that practically every week, and he hasn't started watching them yet.
Score=24

 

This week brings us team dances to fill up the rest of the Dancing With the Stars time slot, starting with Team Tango. Before they're ready to dance, we get another performance from Jackie Evancho. Seriously, people - how is that voice coming out of her? She's adorable. Also adorable? Tristan, cause he's back, dancing with Karina.

 

Team Tango includes Maria and Derek, Katherine and Mark, Roshon and Chelsie, Jaleel and Kym and ridiculous little miniature top hats that make me giggle, perched on each of the ladies' heads. The teams were chosen by captains Katherine and William. Team Tango's rehearsals seem a little stressful, as a couple of pairs (including Katherine) haven't tangoed before. Mark and Derek trade off Katherine and Maria (respectively), Jaleel uses a lot of words that require "****" subtitles, and Roshon still insists on reminding us that he's not a man.  Judges said:

8 - Len: Maria and Roshon were stand outs; Jaleel was loose; Katherine was a little wild; mix of the good the bad and the ugly: as a group (good), technically (bad), some lines (ugly)
9 - Bruno: Creativity of choreography was outstanding; Roshon killed it; Katherine was spot on; excellent team dance
10 - Carrie Ann: All of you were so tight, so in sync; Roshon brought it home
Score=27

Team Paso consists of William and Cheryl, Donald and Peta, and Melissa and Maks/Val (just in case). Cheryl is smart. She realizes immediately Team Paso's strongest asset is men without shirts. Shirts or no shirts, I thought their story and was better than Team Tango, and I preferred their performance. Of course, we all know how much I know about these things, so let's hear from the experts. Judges said:
9 - Bruno: More muscle power than the city of angels! (At which point the guys all pile on the judges table.) You guys are superheroes!
9 - Carrie Ann: That was so much fun; will go down as the fan favorite paso; a little out of sync on the cape work
8 - Len: Hot in the performance, cool in the execution, great job
Score=26

 

Not sure what to predict for tonight, except that Melissa probably better keep Val on call in case Maks can't perform in the Dance Duel. Against whom? Probably Roshon. Not for lack of trying, but because I'm not sure he's really carrying a big enough fan base. Bottom three will probably also include Jaleel, but we'll see - at this point of the competition, anything can happen. This is the last week for the Dance Duel, and we could be in for a surprise!

 

 

Don't miss the live results on Dancing With The Stars, Tuesday at 9/8c on ABC.

 

(Image courtesy of ABC)