by Mike Bandy

Last night's episode of RHOA started with Cynthia, Kandi and NeNe beginning their fun-filled girls trip to Miami. Bye haters! NeNe couldn't wait to get out of Atlanta, and away from all her problems. The ladies arrived at the hotel and were getting settled in, and naturally the conversation turned to sex. NeNe asked Kandi who she was getting it on with, and whether she had been "throwin' them legs back", and Kandi accused NeNe of "knocking the dust off that thang".

Didn't just about ALL of you reading this feel just like that poor concierge boy, who was forced to listen to the whole mess? He looked like he couldn't wait to get out of there! Here's hoping he's not emotionally scarred forever. Anywho, it doesn't matter, because then it was off to lunch and to find Kandi a man.

Meanwhile, back at the insane asylum Kim's house, plans were underway for a super duper surprise party for Kim's birthday. Kroy and Sweetie worked out all the details while Kim laid in bed upstairs, switching between calling for one of them and peeing every five minutes. Call me crazy, but I applaud Kim for resting during her pregnancy! Hey, I say if you're bringing a life into the world, you can get away with whatever you want...for now. Rock on, Kim!

Next, it was time to catch up with Phaedra, who was at a famous funeral home (can funeral homes be famous? Ah well, I'm leaving it in) talking with Pastor Willie about mentoring her. Oh, Phaedra - you're in it for the wrong reasons, Willie scolded. It's not about the money; you must learn to be more compassionate! Please - this is the same woman who once said, "...now I'm chained to this baby." Compassion is a bit of a leap. Still, Pastor Willie agreed to mentor her. I thought pastors had better senses of judgment, no?

Oh, and before I forget - whilst Willie was telling Phaedra that she'd have to dress more conservatively, she pulled a prayer cloth out of her purse and covered herself. I had never been schooled on prayer cloths before, but apparently, they're to cover up your seductive kneecaps? Oh, Phaedra, we can learn so much from you!

Back in Miami, the ladies were settling down to lunch when Kandi turned the conversation towards NeNe's fight with Sheree, and NeNe was NOT having that. All NeNe has to say on the subject is that Sheree and Kim are plotting against her, and they can both kiss her ass. I guess she's not using that Trump money for anti-psychotics, ‘cause homegirl is CRAZY.

Then came the most homophobic part of the show (at least from the aforementioned mayoress of Crazytown), when a lesbian couple approached the ladies and informed them that it was pride weekend. What followed was NeNe saying that she doesn't understand girls who want to be with masculine looking chicks; why can't they just be with men? She then teased Kandi about being with a woman, and how she wouldn't tell if Kandi had done so, and then stated that she was "strictly dickly", which is just the classiest phrase on the planet.

Shouldn't someone who considers herself a gay icon act with just a LITTLE less ignorance? This reviewer says YES.

Oh, Sheree's poor son. He looked so uncomfortable in the shoe shop. You can tell that he's a really shy kid (I can relate), and that he probably could benefit from some time spent with his dad. I sincerely hope he gets it.

Alright, we've spent ENOUGH time in Miami, so I'll sum up the rest of the trip briefly: NeNe looked at a $9 million dollar house that she swears she can afford but we all know she can't, NeNe made fun of Kandi's thighs (how cruel! Wasn't NeNe the one who didn't want to work herself down to a size 8 because she's "f'n hungry"? This woman is full of hypocrisy), and the ladies played frizbee with some foreign dudes who wanted to meet up with them later, but they said no. Up to speed? Awesome.

Meanwhile, Sheree and Kim went out to dinner to plot against NeNe talk about Kim and Kroy and the baby and all that good stuff. Meanwhile, Phaedra broke the news to Apollo that she wanted him in on the funeral business, and he's completely against the idea. Phaedra will have to do more convincing, she says, and if she means it, it's gonna be REALLY annoying to watch. Not everybody's gonna jump in the coffin with you, girl!

Shh! It's time for Kim's surprise party! But first, Kroy took her out to dinner, where he talked about how his son would eventually own a gun and go hunting, and Kim said no way. It's not a problem, though - I'm sure that $20,000 chocolate diamond bracelet he gave her will buy her compliance. In the meantime, Sweetie was stressing back at the house trying to get everything ready.

When Kim and Kroy got back home (and after she'd had a chance to pee AGAIN), everyone yelled surprise and Phaedra yelled, "Come out, NeNe!" Oh man, that would have been amazing, wouldn't it? But alas, it was not to be. What was to be was inappropriate conversation about sex in front of minors, a cake in the shape of a purse, and Kroy getting grilled about when he's going to marry Kim (on 11/11/11! Congratulations!).

Next week, looks like an argument between Peter and Apollo at Kim's baby shower goes over the edge. Can't wait!