by David McAlpine

Last night on The Bachelor, Brad and the remaining ladies packed up their bags and headed to Costa Rica for a latin loveliest and sexy times. Oh Brad, if you only knew the crazy that was coming your way, you probably wouldn't want to be getting on that plane.

But he does anyway. Red flag number one: there's a large volcano right outside their resort. Ok, so let's review. Desperate ladies + alcohol + one hot man - two girls leaving at the end of this trip = kaboom! See? Bachelor math is so easy!

Chantal is first up for the one-on-one date and Michelle's face drops (as if she expects every time there's a date card that Brad wants to see her on a single date). Chantal departs with Brad via helicopter and (shocker) Michelle starts trash talking Chantal as if she's the worst thing to walk the Earth.

While they're zip lining through the rainforests in the rain, Brad can't help but revisit Chantal's boohooing in Vegas. For those of you who don't remember (and, to be honest, I don't blame you, because there's a lot of crying on this show), Chantal felt like she wasn't special any more and America deadpanned at the TV because she seemed to forget that she's on a dating competition show.

That all seemed to melt away as Chantal and Brad went back to his room thanks to the room and all she had to wear was a white button-down shirt of his. And he liked it. And she loved him for loving it. Cue coddling and kissing and, of course, score one rose for Chantal.

Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel and Britt were headed on the group date, which Brad was very excited about because it was adventurous. And you know, he says it with such gusto, too, that I can't help but get excited about it, too (not)!

Unfortunately for Brad, the producers put him a catch-22. Remember when he went rappelling with Michelle and she made him promise in that psycho way that he'd never rappel with anyone else? Well, this group date was all about rappelling, so Brad was forced to do it with Michelle.

After that adventure, it was time for some real Bachelor time: alcohol and a hot tub (or, in this case, a hot spring). A clearly drunk Michelle starts making nasty comments about what she wants to do to Brad while Brad tries to smooth over things with Jackie because she's pissed Michelle got special treatment. Then it was Emily, who he has to convince to not sabotage their budding relationship. Do these women understand the meaning of competition?

Michelle clearly does, because she gets real close with Brad, who is only interrupted by Alli's shrieks as Chantal throws a bug at her. Brad looks concerned, but Michelle doesn't let him off the hook. Not only is she in his lap, she's pissed about Chantal's date. In case it's not clear, Michelle doesn't like Chantal. But Brad is willing to put up with it because he "really, really like[s] Michelle." Correction: he likes her sexual prowess.

Sadly for all the ladies, no one gets a rose on the group date because he sees just how crazy they're all acting. I was genuinely surprised with this move, because Brad usually doesn't have the balls to pull a fast one like that--could he be reverting back to "heartbreaker" Brad? One can only hope!

Alli is up for her first one-on-one date with Brad and she's very nervous. First off, the date card hints at an "altar," so she's envision wedding details. After a romantic horseback ride into the jungle, Alli finds out what the "altar" is: it's a rock formation deep, deep inside a cave. Now Alli is the girl who screamed so loud when she saw a beetle that she disturbed the nearby group date, so this can't bode well for her with darns and bats.

Once they reach the "altar," and they're a couple glasses of wine in, Brad breaks the bad news to her: he can see her as a friend, but not as a wife. So, it's no rose for Alli, just a plane ticket back home.

But lucky for Brad, the night is still young! Just while he's feeling down for sending Alli home, he gets a knock at his door from, who else, but the lovely Michelle. She's not only back to warm Brad about Chantal (again), but she thinks she psychic and drunkenly predicts the pick-off order: Britt, then jackie, Shawntel, Chantal, Emily, and finally Ashley. Brad coddles her, but it's clear he can't do this much longer.

Post-rose ceremony, Emily assures Brad that she's not out to sabotage this relationship. Michelle also gets notice that her and Brad have taken "10 steps back," so she turns the entire thing on him. She has him confused enough where she can cry and he's back on her side in no time.

After Michelle casually reveals to everyone that she made an unannounced visit to Brad's room, Chantal is flat out pissed. So she retaliates the best way one can on a dating show: she confesses to Brad that she loves him. He gets that deer in the headlights look that she clearly crossed a line, but she's already got a rose, so she's not going home tonight.

For the last rose, it came down to Michelle versus Jackie and it's really not even close. Jackie is nice, humble, down-to-earth while Michelle is, well, Michelle, and there's no way he's going to lose out on his hump bunny now. He tries to ease the fall for Jackie and says she has every quality a man would look for in a wife--except for him, apparently.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c on ABC.

(Photo courtesy of ABC)

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