by Robin Hardwick

In the premier of Celebrity Rehab, Dr . Drew Pinsky's crisp blue shirt and geometric glasses warn us about the dangers of drug addiction, and reminds us of its most attractive victims. River Phoenix! Heath! Anna Nicole! If only Dr. D could have worked with them. In tonight's premier of Season 4, we get to meet Celebrity Rehab's newest patients.

 

Janice Dickinson arrives first, and reminds us that she was the world's FIRST supermodel. Her father had "rage issues"and abused her. She is embarrassed of all her behavior that has been shown on various reality tv programs. Here's an idea: stop doing them! Janice meets Shelly, a Resident Tech, who is essentially played by Judy Greer. Shelly gos through Janice's stuff and takes all her meds. Janice paces anxiously and switches bedspreads with another room, because green suits her more. In her first sit-down with Drew, she tells him she's going through withdrawal. Dr D thinks she's a high risk for a seizure.

 

Drama Potential: 8/10

 

Arriving next is Jason Davis, someone really stretching the titular "celebrity"status. He is a billionaire heir, brother to Brandon Davis, who once famous for dating Mischa Barton. It is sad that I know this. Jason had distant parents, was raised by his grandfather, and turned to smoking heroin when his grandfather died. He currently has bandages on his arms from burns and staph infections. Dr. D accuses him of cooking meth, but Jason denies it. And Jason is...really scary. He seems really disassociated, socially awkward, and...downright skeezy. He creeps both me and Shelly out. He recently lost 150 pounds from his heroin addiction and Dr D commends him on it. Um, good?

 

Drama Potential: 9/10

 

Next up is Eric Roberts, brother to Julia, who was (a) in The Dark Knight and (b) nominated for both a Golden Globe and an Academy Award. Which was two pieces of trivia I was not aware of. Eric kicked heroin a few years back, but is now hooked on marijuana. He tells Dr. D that he is a "real a-hole"when he is sober. He rivals Dr. D in the game of having trendy glasses.

 

Drama Potential: 4/10

 

Again, stretching the meaning of "celebrity"is Frankie Lons, who is credited as "Keisha Cole's mother."In my old age I am not even sure who Keisha Cole is, but Frankie seems to be an interesting enough character. Her montage tells us that she used to be a prostitute, often smokes crack and drinks, and has served a lot of time in prison. She is probably around 65 but looks 45. She probably has the scariest montage but actually looks fairly approachable.

 

Drama Potential: 6/10

 

A bloated version of Jeremy London appears, and I realize he is NOT the London twin in Dazed and Confused. Jeremy was on Party of Five and 7th Heaven to those keeping score. Jeremy's brother and sister were both killed in car accidents, several years apart Jeremy was also recently kidnapped and forced to do drugs, and his family thinks he made it up. Which, is not surprising, since that was a plotline on Six Feet Under. Jeremy also can't talk to Dr D without his eyes filling with tears, thus making me think he is the most sincere in his pain.

 

Drama Potential: 2/10

 

As if we haven't seen enough pain; enter Leif Garret. Leif, a teen idol of the 70s, is also a product of VH1 and oft interviewed for nostalgia shows. Leif got into a car accident and paralyzed his best friend and it has affected him ever since. He admits that in his lifetime he's spent over a million dollars in narcotics. He also is channeling Bret Michaels and appears to own a variety of bandannas in different colors. Someone off-camera asks if he is at rock-bottom and he admits he is. Shelly is a bit judgemental with him and calls him a junkie. She asks Leif for a urine sample and he urinates all over the bathroom. I think we supposed to hate Leif but you can just tell he is a broken person. 

 

Drama Potential: 8/10

 

Next up is Jason Wahler, heartthrob of Laguna Beach and The Hills. Although he introduces himself as someone who has "dated Jessica and Lauren"assuming we know those characters. Jason is an alcoholic and has been arrested several times for public drunken behavior. Coincidentally, the arrests happen when TMZ.com reporters are front and present. Jason is surprisingly articulate when he is sober and in one interview says more words than he ever did on The Hills.

 

Drama Potential: 3/10 

 

There's still one person left? It's Rachel Uchitel, who claims to be a tabloid celebrity, but I am not sure why. She's a rich socialite who lost her fiancee in 9/11, and has a feeling of utter loneliness. Rachel is also stunning, by the way. She has a history of intense and stormy relationships. Dr. D on the spot diagnoses her with "an addiction to love" Where's Robert Palmer? I have to disagree with that- it seems that Rachel has really intense, relationships but then pushes away when it gets too intense, which to me and my B.A. in Psychology sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. Rachel tells Dr. D she will feel stupid saying she's addicted to love in a room of "real addicts."Dr. D assures her she will fit in. 

 

Drama Potential: 5/10

 

Finally, the gang meets each other. Eric tells Frankie he's gonna like her because "what you see is what you get."Jason immediately starts taunting Janice about her addiction to plastic surgery. In a weird move, as she;s bending over him, he pushes her head down to insinuate oral sex. It becomes a big ol'boys club as the other guys just sit and grin as Jason taunts Janice. I immediately lose the sympathy I had for Jeremy and Leif. Janice manages not to make a big scene (which is a feat for her) and tells Shelly what happened. Because this is made for tv and not real life, no one confronts Jason on it.

 

Later on, outside, Janice is talking to Will Smith (a Resident Tech, not Mr. Jiggy himself) and gets more and more upset, telling him she's thinking of suicide. She starts to panic and tells him to take her to the hospital. And of course, this will be continued....

 

 

Celebrity Rehab airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on VH1.

 

(Image courtesy of VH1)

 

 

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