by Michael J. Lamp

 

"Pastry chefs are crazy!"  This time, I'm not editorializing. Zac, one of the inaugural pastry cheftestants on Top Chef: Just Desserts, delivered this line early on in the show's premiere episode, a sure sign of a drama-filled first season. At least we hope it's a sure sign.

 

There are twelve competitors, which is really upsetting to me. I mean, what a perfect opportunity to play off the Baker's Dozen pastry pun and go with 13. Total fail.

 

Johnny Iuzzini (and his hair) will assume the Colicchio role as head judge, along with Top Chef: Masters alum Hubert Keller and Daily Candy's Dannielle Kyrillos

 

A big ol' red bus drives around LA, picking up the competitors. Eventually, host Gail Simmons, along with Iuzzini, hops on board and announces the first Quickfire Challenge. The chefs must create their ‘signature desserts.' So much for specific directions.

 

Once the cheftestants make their way to the Top Chef kitchen, personalities immediately begin popping up. There are some loud folks, some folks with sob stories (a must) and - of course - some boring lame-os. Oh well, they are probably the ones that can actually cook.

Gail and Johnny pop in on the chefs to reveal a twist. The real twist would be a challenge sans twists, but I digress. The competitors must turn their ‘signature dishes' into cupcakes. How trendy!

 

Around the kitchen, there's some mouse, some soufflé, some devil's food cake and a girl with mysterious band-aids on her forehead.

Making up Johnny's bottom three are Malika, who presented exactly nothing (she ran out of time), Tim, who didn't make a cupcake (I have no words) and Zac, who offered up a cupcake of questionable texture.

 

On the flip side, Seth, Heather C. and Tanya make up the top three. Johnny liked Seth's flavor combination, Heather C's contemporary spin on an old favorite and Tanya's moist (hate that word) cake. Seth comes out on top, prompting some weird, deep breathing. I have a feeling he's going to be annoying with a capital A.

 

The first Elimination Challenge is to create the most luxurious chocolate dessert, which will be served to 50 ‘chocolate lovers,' aka 50 random people. Adding to the pressure, Gail tells the chefs that the legendary Jacques Torres will serve as guest judge. For those out of the loop, he's sort of the King of Chocolate.

 

Back at the house, there are already fists of sass being thrown around. Lots of domestic divas in this bunch.

 

After the dinner ‘o' chocolate, Gail calls Seth, Heather H. and Zac to Judges' Table. Zac has rebounded from his hot mess cupcake and made it into the top three.

 

Within moments of hearing the news of being in the top three, Zac starts sobbing rather uncontrollably and comparing his desserts to children. Heather accepts the compliments about her chocolate goodness in a more mature manner and Seth feigns shock at the news of the judges liking his curry-flavored concoction.

 

The winner is Heather, which pleases me greatly. I don't think I could stomach back-to-back Seth victories. If he keeps it up, this guy may go on to join the ranks of the classic, cocky Top Cheftestant.

 

Danielle, Tanya and the overly dudely Morgan are this week's bottom three. Watching Morgan assert his manliness over and over again has been a particularly hilarious storyline within this first episode.

 

Danielle's exploding dessert was not a hit, Tanya's dish had a hummus texture (‘nough said) and Morgan's crowded dish was bogged down by his failed flan.

 

In the end, Tanya gets the first boot and she's pretty bummed about it. Cue the tears.

 

 

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

 

 

Follow Michael at twitter.com/mjlamp

 

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