by David McAlpine

Last night on the best new reality show on TV since the Bachelor, Bachelor Pad, we leave off right where we began when Juan and crazy Michelle left the house for good. Jesse (who I'm now going to call Kovacs, because everyone seems to call him Kovacs) and Elizabeth get into it again because Elizabeth is trying to control the game. She pulls him aside to say that people are upset with him, and if he wants to make it through this house alive, it has to be with her. But in a crazy, scary way. So scary, in fact, that you can see "help me" in Kovacs' eyes as he tells the camera that being in a couple is much better than being alone.

Natalie and the other Jesse have their own thing going on (on the couch of all places), which is making her feel insecure. Aw, someone feel insecure in the Bachelor Pad house? It's only home to several could-be models, including you! I'm sure America feels for you, Natalie. At least Jesse does, because he keeps telling her she's "really cool."

Waking up the next day, it's evident that the guys are really here for the booze (as they're all fairly hungover and quiet), while the girls are in it to win it (they're strategizing wildly). With the strategizing, though, comes the cliques: it's the ones who are hooking up in the house vs. the one who aren't! Really, could this show get any better?

So the game plan from the "angels" (or the girls who aren't hooking up), specifically Peyton: team up and win all the competitions. Great job, team! Unfortunately for them, the next competition is a pie-eating competition and Krisily has no gall bladder, so she actually can't digest fat, therefore she's sitting out and the Angels are already down one player.

So, in honor of Krisily and because, well, they don't really need any other reason to, many of the girls whip their shirts off and get down into the pie. Perhaps some of them think their cleavage doubles as a mouth? It's evidently not working because most of the girls are whining like someone is shocking them with a cattle prod, except Jessie who's absolutely going for it.

At this point, I think the guys are checking their watches to see how long this is going to go on for. I'm sure it was sexy, but then Tenley vomits it up, and it's no longer something enjoyable to watch. She recovers, though, and it's her, Peyton and Gia fighting for the win, and Gia is able to stomach the last couple of bites and win it all. She may have doubled in size, but she at least won it for the girls of the house who think they're better because they're not all over the guys.

Just when I thought the guys would do better, they actually seem like they're doing worse. In light of this, I would love to take a pie and try to eat it, just to show them how simple it really is. It's not even close as scrappy weatherman Jonathan inhales the pie, giving him the win for the men.

Now it's date time! I still get that small rush that I get from the Bachelor/Bachelorette, but then I realize that this is a slightly more dirty version and I feel kind of violated. But only a little bit, not a lot. Anyway, Jonathan chooses Gwen, Peyton and Ashley (which Kovacs notices are the girls who don't hook up) to go on the date, which turns out to be…body painting! Woo hoo?

Krisily turns out to be quite the strategist, though she did have that entire competition to think about what she was saying. While the "insiders" (or the hooker-uppers) are busy doing their thing in the hot tub, she's looking at the numbers. Unfortunately for them, they don't have the numbers, so they need Craig to tip the scales: Krisily, Peyton, Gwen, Craig, Jessie, Gia, Nikki, Jonathan and Ashley vs. Natalie, Dave, Kovacs, Elizabeth, Jesse, Tenley, Kiptyn and Wes. Now that they've figured it out, they're super excited, even though they don't fully have everyone's cooperation yet.

Back to the date, where Jonathan says that he likes Gwen. And she doesn't like him, but she'll string him along! Who knew she could be so fun?

Gia and Jonathan sit down the next day to discuss their crazy master plan. Gia wants to give the rose to Craig so they get his vote, but Jonathan can't swallow that and he insists it go to Wes, because then Kiptyn will leave. Gia calls Jonathan a "weatherman" and then questions Ashley's devotion to the group.

I didn't think this strategy was going to get so extreme until Gia picks her three dates. She chooses Wes (who coached her during the pie-eating contest), Craig (because she needs his vote) and "one person at random," i.e. she picked a slip of paper out of a hat where each one said Jesse B.

Gia already has a boyfriend, ok? So there's no funny business on this date. She knows she's giving the rose to Craig, she even said it. She also tells Jesse that Natalie is cool, but she needs to go, and she's not afraid to vote her off. Jesse tries to charm her, but it doesn't work.

Next it's Wes' turn, who whips out yet another version of that stupid song that he sings over and over and over again. He even tells Gia that he loves her. Her response? She cries. Yes, people, she cries. Then she proceeds to give him the rose. Millions of viewers screamed simultaneously as she threw her plan completely out the window for the biggest asshole in the show's history. Really, Gia? Did the food hurt your head that much?

Jessie knows that the insiders are back in power thanks to Gia's massive screw-up, so she starts hitting on Dave in hopes she can build her own showmance and save herself. Cut to Krisily in the hot tub, eavesdropping on the backstabber. Jesse is trying to backpedal out of his hookup with Natalie so that he can hit on Gia, so he tells her that he's concerned because, in so many words, she's kind of a slut. Oh, and Gia claims that she's gotten Gwen, Krisily, Peyton and Nikki to vote Kiptyn off, which would tie it, and she would break it, sending him home.

Long story short, things cave in quickly. Jessie is scared that other people think she's playing both sides (like she told Dave she was), so she votes for Craig to show them she's on their side. Nikki also votes for Craig, which sends him packing. Meanwhile, Jessie's double-sided play catches up to her in the worst way and makes her the female kicked out this week. All thanks to Gia, the empty-headed swimsuit model. I can only hope that such plans continue to be made and broken.

Find out who goes home next on ABC's Bachelor Pad next Monday at 8/7c!

(Photo courtesy of ABC)

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