by David McAlpine

 

Alright Bachelorette fans, it's that time again for yet another season of love, lust and all-out drama. It's been 20 seasons, can you believe it? For those of you who have never seen the show before, welcome to the best two hours of your Monday nights for the next three months. For those of you avid followers, you're probably just as excited as I am for the head-butting that's sure to happen on this season of ABC's hit reality series.

 

A small recap: this season's Bachelorette is 25 year-old Ali Fedotowsky, a San Francisco area resident who used to be an account executive for Facebook. Lo and behold, she'd rather have love, so she left to find it last season on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, with resident a-hole Jake Pavelka. After falling in love with him (and getting into several matches with his now beau Vienna Girardi), she was forced to choose between her job and a chance with Jake. She chose her job and left the show.

 

But now she's back and ready to find love once again. As it's said several times in the first 45 minutes of the premiere, she's given up her job, her house--everything to come here and find a husband out of 25 possible suitors. As per usual, we get to meet some of the guys a little bit more intimately before anything happens, you know, to give us a taste of her selection. And what a wonderful taste it is.

 

First is Frank, the 31 year old executive-turned-screenwriter from Chicago, Illinois. He seems incredibly sharp and creative, as well as very wacky. Plus, his shift of career seems to have given him a new outlook on life, something that Ali could use for sure. I'm a fan of this one. Next is Jay, a 29 year-old lawyer from Rhode Island. He likes career women, but I just find him boring. Next is Craig, 33, from Toronto--and possibly the self-absorbed snob of the season. He prides himself on going out and getting all the girls at the club. Sorry for all you guys in Toronto, but I've been there and let's just say that's not too huge of an accomplishment. Plus his hair looks like it belongs in a pot with leaves growing out of it.

 

Kyle is next, the 26 year-old outdoorsman from Colorado. I know Ali is an outdoorsy girl, but this one gets my veto right away. First off, he's on the lower end of the looks department (we're talking Bachelorette standards here, mind you), and he doesn't seem to have much to offer career wise. Then there's Justin, the 26 year-old "entertainment wrestler." Sorry, but dual personalities just scare me. I understand it's just like acting, but I still think he could be a huge source of drama. Another Chicagoan is featured--Phil, a 30 year-old investment banker. Jackpot! He's successful and good-looking, plus he has his priorities straight after his brother died last year. I hate to capitalize on other people's misfortunes, but if the shoe fits...

 

Jonathon, a 30 year-old weatherman from Houston (at an NBC affiliate--who set this one up?) is there, too, and he's definitely on the fence for me. He likes to use his sense of humor, but perhaps a little too much. Next is Ty, a 31 year-old from Nashville...who is divorced. Woah, stop. Nothing good has ever come of a divorcé(e) on this show, so he's out of my top 15. Finally, it's Chris L., a 32 year-old high school math teacher from Cape Cod. He moved home to help his sick mother and he loves dogs--what else could you want?

 

As they're getting ready to meet Ali, the 25 guys are all doing super macho things like pushups, yelling loudly in the mirror, siking themselves up, etc. Even better, they're drinking out of blue solo cups on the way to meet Ali. Classy? I think so. Of course, while  this is going on, Ali and Chris have a chat and the phrases "the show works" and "here for the right reasons" came up too many times to count. Finally, Ali got to meet the guys:

 

Chris H., 27, Vancouver - He looks like Nick from Big Brother 10. Nothing stands out about his personality, but he seems nice enough.

 

Jesse, 24, Missouri - He asks Ali if she likes "peculiar" man because he's from Peculiar, MO. Cute, but nothing stand out.

 

Chris L. (see above) - When he walks up to her, he gives her a huge hug instead of some distant kiss or look in her eyes. He seems so genuine, I love it!

 

Ty (see above) - Not very original, clearly nervous and, like I said, no to the divorced guy.

 

Frank (see above) - Out pops Frank from the sunroof of the limousine and immediately, I'm in love. Seriously, this guy is hands down my favorite. The sad part? I see him being so likable that he'll leave for some mysterious reason because ABC wants him to be the next Bachelor.

 

Justin (see above) - Even with the leg injury, I'm still not digging him. Props to him making Ali come find him inside to see what happened.

 

Jay (see above) - When he talks to Ali, he just seems creepy! No, no, no!

 

Chris N., 29, Orlando - He pulls a rose out of nowhere (I'm a sucker for magic) and Ali is very impressed. The most attractive guy? Not really, but magic makes up for a lot of that.

 

Kasey, 27, Clovis, CA - Something is a little off about his voice, but he seems really sweet. I just worry that he's going to get lost in the sea of big personalities.

 

Kyle (see above) - Still a big no. He tries to "reel in" Ali like she's on a fish hook. I don't think he even has a chance at this point.

 

Roberto, 26, South Carolina - All he has to day is say something in Spanish and tell her that he'll teach her salsa and he's already near the top of my list. Not Frank good, but close.

 

Craig M. (see above) - He makes a Vienna joke...really? I don't think I would have appreciated that, especially since Ali was nothing like Vienna. Nothing! Plus his suit is a little too small and kind of bright for me.

 

John N., 27, Witchita - He kind of reminds me of Adam Lambert--in that manliner kind of way. Slightly weird, and really off.

Tyler, Vermont - This one is not very dynamic at all and easily forgettable. Next!

 

John C., 32, Washington - First off, could they have cast many more guys with the same name? Really? So far, we've had three Chrises, two Johns, and presumably two Craigs and two Tylers. Back to John C., who gets down on one knee and "faux-poses" with a cubic zirconium ring. Way too cheesy.

 

Jonathan (see above) - I like him much better the next time around, especially when he gives Ali an old-fashioned sunny magnet like the ones weathermen used to use. He's a little short, though. I can see sparks, but nothing more.

 

Craig #2 - At this point, the guys are whizzing by faster than I can keep up. Not a very memorable guy except his awkward stance and his unusual lean forward.

 

Steve, 28, Cleveland - Also pretty boring, although he knew her favorite color was yellow. Props to him for knowing that much.

 

Kirk, 27, Green Bay - Now this is creativity: the man takes his pocket square and folds it into a rose. A pocket square! He's a little dorky, but still, what an awesome trick!

 

Tyler M., 25, Austin - Tyler is rocking the cowboy boots with his suit which, I guess, can be acceptable here. Then he says he was wearing them because that's what Ali wore when she met Jake. Or not, as she corrects him--leaving him speechless and probably dead in the water.

 

Hunter, 28, San Antonio - He claims he forgot what he was going to say and that he has to go pee. However true that is, well, who knows, but it still worked on her.

 

Derek, 28 - This man is very, very round, I really don't know how else to describe it. I don't mean in a big way, either, he just has very round features. And no neck. But he has leaves that he throws up in the air because Ali claimed on the last season that when you catch a leaf, you have to make a wish.

 

Phil (see above) - He comes off as a little more intense than he did in his montage and everything seems a little forced. Maybe he's nervous? I want to think so so bad!

 

Derrick, 27, San Diego - Very hunky; perhaps Kiptyn 2.0? He says his nickname is "Shooter" and Ali will find out what it is inside. I so hope it's not something gross for his sake...

 

Jason, 27, Denver - The last contestant to get out of the car and probably the most memorable. He gets out of the wrong side of the limo, then gets on top and backflips off of it. It definitely compensates for his lacking in the "super hot" category.

 

So, to pause for a second, I'm going to pick my 15 now, just based on first impressions and trying to figure out the producers of this show. In no particular order: Chris H., Jesse, Chris L., Frank, Chris N., Kasey, Roberto, Craig M. (a la Wes, Vienna), Jonathan, Hunter, Jason, Derrick, Kirk, Phil, and Derek.

It was the usual first-night party shenanigans with everyone vying for Ali's attention. Some highlights:

 

Kyle threatened to eat the first-impression rose. Like physically stick it in his mouth, swallow it and digest it. Willingly. So he can "take it in his soul forever." Is that what they're teaching in school in Colorado? It's cute at heart, but really not the right move at the beginning of this show.

 

Chris L. opted to skip over talking about his ailing mom and him leaving his job to move back home to take care of her. Instead, he glazed right over the question and moved on. Huge points to him--he wants to get his first rose without the sympathy!

 

Derrick explained his nickname, "Shooter." He prefaces it with "It's a really embarassing story..." So then why would you opt to tell it? Especially to a girl you like? He decided to drop the bomb anyway: he was a little "premature" in college. Unfortuntaely, this is what I was dreading the whole time. Is it so bad that I still like him?

 

Roberto made good on his offer to teach Ali how to salsa dance, and all the time with his hands on her body. You could tell the touch was electric and she was loving it. Add in some sweet talk and Ali was sold; it even earned him the first-impression rose.

 

Justin divulges to Ali right away about his injury and the fact that he has an alter-ego for wrestling: "Rated R." Cue the conspiracy brew around him for being "Rated Dishonest." And then comes the question: Is he here for the right reasons? Evidently not, according to a majority of the guys, who vote him as the most likely to not be on the show for the "right reasons." Ali chose to keep him, though, earning him the second rose of the night.

 

As for the rest of the guys, those who got roses were Jesse, Ty, Craig R., Tyler V. (now just Tyler), Frank, Steve, Chris L., Kirk, John C. (now just John), Chris N., Chris H., Hunter, Craig M., Jonathan and Kasey. I must say, 11 out of 15 isn't too shabby.

Left behind were our outdoorsy boy Kyle, the leaf-loving Derek, Jason, the resident backflipper and, I think the one I'm saddest of all to see go, "Shooter."

 

Tune in to The Bachelorette next Monday at 8/7c on ABC to see who Ali chooses to eliminate next!

(Photo courtesy of ABC)

 

Follow David on Twitter: @DavidMcAlpine

 

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