by Michael J. Lamp

Tonight, on Millionaire Matchmaker, we were tricked! At the beginning of the episode, it seemed clear that we had one big ol' douche and another guy that just seemed like a dork, but a harmless dork. Turns out, appearances can be deceiving.

Justin is a little boy in a grown man's body. The body is a little busted, at that. Lots of hair and crazy eyes, he's one bizarre package. Oh and he likes models. Of course he does.

Justin is a huge chauvinist pig. He openly admits to cheating on women and goes so far as to blame females, as a group, for his cheating. He apparently can't stay away from the sexiness. He's a damn fool. A fool that keeps an excel spreadsheet with details about all the women he's dating at one time. You know, so he doesn't accidentally ask Sally about her dog, Mitch, when that is actually Kara's dog. What an ass.

The recruiting session is unproductive, as per usual. Patti fights with several girls, cards one chick for looking old (turns out, she is!) and yells at Destin's baby mama for not finding prettier ladies.

The mixer starts with all the women randomly wearing the same, blue tank top. Unless I fell asleep (due to the fact that these two dudes are super lame), I don't think anyone ever explained why they were all dressed alike. Maybe something about an equal playing field? Who knows? More importantly, who cares?

Once the mixer gets going, Justin continues to play the part of the dweeb, asking dumb questions and interrupting like only a four-year old would. Patti looks annoyed, but mostly bored.

Kevin, meanwhile, is awkward for a whole different set of reasons. He doesn't seem particularly interested in getting to know any of these women, whatsoever. He's basically talking about himself and waiting for someone to swoon. Funny, I don't see any swooning. Like none at all.

Both guys wind up picking Jennifer, who is definitely way too cool - and way too pretty - for either of them. When Jennifer has a hard time choosing between then, the guys lose interest in her. Patti then freaks out and goes off on both guys for being a-holes. Jennifer eventually selects Justin. I guess she figured he is the lesser of two evils. Just wait, Jennifer. Just wait.

Kevin goes with his second choice, a hot little number named Jamie. She seems like a bit of a hard-ass, which should make her date with Kevin truly hilarious.

Just before the mixer's end, we see Justin trying to ask another girl (Kate) out - in addition to Jennifer. Patti's team quickly squashes his attempt, but I think this tells us a lot about Justin, doesn't it?

Patti brings in a lady doctor for Kevin. They talk about body parts and she tells him that giving a woman oral sex makes him a god. Probably not the right thing to say to this guy.

Kevin's date with Jennifer begins with some private shopping pampering. He lets her pick some out some jewelry and a new dress for the evening. Seems nice enough, right? Wrong. Just as they are about to head off to dinner, who do you think walks in? Kate. Yes, that Kate. Apparently, Justin contacted her, via Facebook (ew!), and asked her to join the date. So effing foul. Predictably, Jennifer goes crazy and proceeds to drink her way through dinner before finally telling Justin that he is ridiculous. Kate, on the other hand, seems completely fine with the arrangement. Kate also seems to have about as much sense as Justin.

Kevin takes Jamie to a spa, but really he takes her to a bathtub. She's not feeling it, and the conversation is hella awkward. The bath is followed by dinner next to a rose pedal-laden bed. Romantic? Not really. It's mostly just creepy. Surprisingly, things start to pick up when the pair bond over their shared disgust for the liver dinner in front of them. The shared laughter isn't enough to get Jamie in bed with Kevin, though. He claims to be fine with it. We'll see.

Patti gives Justin hell for being a two-timing dumbass. Supposedly, he and Kate are still ‘playing,' whatever that means. I guess when you are six years old, it's not dating yet. Jennifer, who is very funny and should really have her own dating show, has moved on to dating grownups.

On the other hand, Kevin and Jamie are still dating. Whoa! Didn't see that one coming. There's no commitment yet, but the fact that they even saw each other again seems like a miracle.

 

 

Millionaire Matchmaker airs Tuesdays at 10/9c on Bravo.

 

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

 

 

Follow Michael at twitter.com/mjlamp

 

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