by Chandra Clewley

 

"Nothing Is As It Seems"

 

Tonight’s episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County begins with Tamra discussing her volatile relationship with Simon. She wants to do something to prove that she loves him because she feels that he doesn’t know this. So, she and her son Ryan are at the tattoo parlor with Ricky (Do you remember Ricky? Jeana’s friend that lived at Vicki’s house? Vicki evicted him?). Tamra is getting a tattoo on her ring finger of Simon’s name. Seems a bit ironic after her freaking out on Ryan for all of his tattoos. Tamra and Simon go on a Harley ride where she surprises him with the tattoo. Simon is genuinely touched. There is tension there, and you can feel it when Simon says that he thought it was something bad she was going to surprise him with.

 

Lynne is putting together a housewarming party for their new place in Laguna. After the break down at Alexis's cooking party, she apologizes and Alexis says she understands having an off night. She is happy to come to the party.

 

Gretchen visits Vicki because she is trying to launch her makeup line and respects Vicki’s opinion. Vicki is hesitant about Gretchen’s line and says that if you have to “spend money to make money; it’s the road to bankruptcy.” Vicki also asks Gretchen if she got any money from Jeff’s estate, and if Slade is working at all. Gretchen feels that Vicki is making it personal and Gretchen just doesn’t want to go there. She says it is none of Vicki’s business and that maybe his job is “to pleasure me in bed.”  On the other hand, Vicki has heard a rumor that Gretchen is paying Slade to be her manger and why wouldn’t Gretchen just get a real manager? 

 

Vicki says, “I think Slade uses people. I think that’s how he gets around, he sees a little pot of gold over there and he is going to stay there for that. I just hope she (Gretchen) doesn’t get hurt again, but I think she is going to.” Gretchen is also setting up for the Women’s Empowerment Expo, where she has rented a booth, and it is costing her a small fortune….oh no…

 

Alexis and Jim go on vacation to the Palm Desert Marriot which is mostly just Alexis cow-towing to Jim for 10 minutes of the show. The hotel room is $2985.00 a night. Jim likes “sexy elegance” and found it in Alexis. Jim is 15 years older than Alexis. He doesn’t like it when they split food because they have lots of money, but Alexis only wants a “bite” of salad (since she doesn’t eat?) yadda yadda yadda….

 

At Lynne’s housewarming party, Tamra and Simon show up first and the foursome take a tequila shot. By the time that everyone else shows up, Tamra is pretty wasted. Vicki and Gretchen greet each other awkwardly and Lynne says she likes Gretchen, but doesn’t care for Slade. Tamra and Lynne are trying to get Vicki to take a gym class with them, but Vicki is adamant that she doesn’t have “5 hours to work out, she doesn’t sleep until 9 or 10. They are polar opposites.” I know that everyone is getting annoyed with the entire “Vicki works” thing so it seems like it is close to boiling point.

 

Meanwhile, Simon is trying to get Tamra to slow her roll with the alcohol when she starts buddying up to Vicki. Vicki is really trying to avoid a conflict and says she is trying to “take the high road”.  But Vicki is conflicted, last year it was Donn and this year it seems like it is the show. When is Vicki going to stop with the “woe is me”?

 

Tamra gets Vicki and Simon together to make peace, and Vicki says she “can get past it.” Simon says “just stay out of my marriage.” Vicki is upset and is telling Simon that she was pulled into his marriage because of things that Tamra shared with her.  Simon storms off and Vicki tells Tamra that she needs to start standing up for her. Vicki wins Round 1. Turns out, 6-7 months ago, Tamra confided in Vicki when she was having normal trouble with her marriage and Vicki really doesn’t care about their marriage, but does care if Tamra is upset.

 

The train wreck housewarming drama keeps going when Simon decides he is not done and goes back for round 2, again repeating his “stay out of my marriage” spiel, which isn’t really that strong of a fight, and he storms off again like Cinderella at the ball. Vicki takes Round 2. Back in his corner, Simon tells his water boys, Frank and Jim, that Vicki is just “so jealous of my marriage because hers f-ing sucks. I know how Donn is treated.” Vicki and Tamra stay out on the deck, and Tamra tells Vicki that she had told her things in confidence and she shouldn’t be throwing them back at Simon. Vicki believes she is sticking up for Tamra. Tamra ends up going after Simon with his glass slipper, and tells him she was hoping to bury the hatchet. No hatchet buried yet, but the Barney's are temporarily reconciled. 

 

At the dinner table, Vicki and Simon sit next to each other and Vicki is quiet and uncomfortable. Tamra has come to the conclusion that she has defended Vicki, but Vicki doesn’t treat Donn well, and now that they have renewed their vows things are supposed to be different. Tamra believes that there is side to Vicki that is not nice. Simon has obviously lobbied Tamra back over to his side. 

 

Gretchen is just glad that it is not about her.

 

At dinner, the conversation turns to how all of the couples met their spouses. Lynne and Frank have a cute story. Simon and Tamra’s is similarly cute. Alexis tells hers in minute detail, down to what she was eating, drinking, pooping etc. Vicki and Donn fake snore and Alexis is insulted. Get over it Alexis, your story is boring and lame! Booo! (Turns out there was hot Jim all buff and tanned, with a beer bong in one hand, Jager shots in the other and a whistle in his mouth, standing in Alexis’s sun while she was laying out!  The rest is history).Ahh! Just kidding Alexis! We never got to hear your story, over Vicki and Donn's snoring. 

 

When the conversation turns to Vicki and she is asked about her Greece trip, she makes a point of stating that Donn was not invited. We get it, Vicki. We get it. Poor Donn. Gretchen asks Vicki why she always specifically says things like "Donn was not invited", and Vicki replies that she is just joking.  When she gets up from the table, everyone attacks Donn for not going to Florida with them and Donn gets annoyed. When Vicki returns she defends Donn, saying “he was working!”

 

It seems everyone is a little insulted at this point since Gretchen is trying with the makeup line, Tamra and Alexis are full time moms. Bottom line, Vicki is adamant, they DO NOT get up and go to work every morning. I am not sure if she is jealous of that, or just thinks the rest of the girls need a reality check.

 

With that, Vicki and Donn decide to exit the housewarming party and take a Limo home. In the car, Vicki breaks down because she knows she is the “bad guy” and it hurts her. Meanwhile, the rest of the group is naturally talking smack about Vicki. This is obviously taped, because we all know that Vicki had nothing to do with the Simon and Tamra divorce filing last month. 

 

The next day, a knock on the Lynne and Frank Curtin door reveals not only a seriously under-made-up, most likely hung over Raquel (where’s Gretchen’s makeup line?), but also an eviction notice for the family.  And to think, the house was just warmed last night! What a waste!

 

P.S. I noticed that my “Sletchen” name has gained traction over on the Bravo site. Next time I am copyrighting…who knows, I get rich enough and I will be the next cast member on this show!

 

 

Catch an ALL NEW Special “EVICTION” episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County, next Thursday on Bravo!

 

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

 

 

Follow me at twitter.com/ChandraClewley

 

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