by David McAlpine

 

Tonight, ABC’s smash-hit Dancing With the Stars premiered for a ninth season with its biggest cast yet. From pop stars, to reality stars to…a political star?, the 16 celebrities have been split into two groups: men and women. The male celebrities get a chance to two dances (one Latin and one ballroom) tonight, then the women get to dance their two tomorrow night. The week culminates on Wednesday with a terrifying double elimination that will send one male and one female celebrity packing.

 

To kick off men’s night, the eight professional dancers give a really upbeat, jive-style performance to “The Boys Are Back in Town,” much to the delight of every female audience member. Then Tom Bergeron comes on the screen, the stage lights up, and the competition for the mirror ball trophy is on. The performances were:

 

Celebrity: Aaron Carter, pop star

Professional Partner: Karina Smirnoff

Dance: Cha Cha

Song: “Beggin’” by Madcon

Breakdown: Knowing that Aaron has a dance background, I think that a little more will be expected of him this season. It’s evident in the rehearsal tape that he has little idea of how to move his hips the way they need to, but when he hits the dance floor, he actually looks pretty solid. He’s trying a little too hard to remember the steps, then he gets really confident and has random moments of flair, but overall a solid job. Len thinks he has a lot of potential, Bruno thinks he needs to control his energy and Carrie Ann thought his feet were “funky,” but still entertaining.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 8 Bruno: 7 Total: 22/30

 

Celebrity: Chuck Lidell, UFC Champion

Professional Partner: Anna Trebunskaya

Dance: Foxtrot

Song: “That’s Life” by Michael Buble

Breakdown: Chuck really wants to show his softer side during the dance, which he does because you can see how much he genuinely cares about this competition. The problem is you can see the steps running through his head, and he doesn’t exactly try to perfect any of the steps. I mean, he moves great for such a bulky guy, but Anna has a lot to work on with him. Bruno thought it was rough (which it was), Carrie Ann felt he lacked grace, but was still charming, and Len thought he was too aggressive. Thinking about it, Len hit the nail on the head, he was too strong for the dance.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 6 Len: 5 Bruno: 5 Total: 16/30

 

Celebrity: Mark Damascos, Iron Chef America host

Professional Partner: Lacey Schwimmer

Dance: Cha Cha

Song: “Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas

Breakdown: Mark really knows what he’s doing when it comes down to martial arts, and I never realized how much it relates to dance. In the rehearsal, it seems like he already knows what he’s doing (and I’m surprised about how flexible he is!). The song is a little cheesy, given his background, but they pull it off really well, though I’m not liking all the kung-fu hand I’m seeing from Mark. He also lost the timing a little bit, so it looked weird with Lacey, but overall it was a great first shot. Carrie Ann agrees with me about his arms, and she’s also surprised with his flexibility. Len doesn’t like the gimmicks, but he lets them get away with it this time. Bruno thought he was going to the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics which, admittedly, was a little racist, but somewhat true.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 7 Bruno: 7 Total: 21/30

 

Celebrity: Ashley Hamilton, actor and comedian; son of George Hamilton

Professional Partner: Edyta Sliwinska

Dance: Foxtrot

Song: “Grace Kelly” by Mika

Breakdown: My absolute favorite dancer, Edyta, is back for her ninth straight season and I couldn’t be happier. This time, she’s dancing with Ashley, whose dad she danced with in a previous season. Apparently, Ashley had brain surgery at one point in time and he was having real trouble picking up the steps, but hopefully Edyta is able to work her magic with the actor. Unfortunately, he’s really heavy on his feet. All of his movements seem unnatural and uneasy, which leaves Edyta looking like she’s just dancing around him. Len said he needed finesse, Bruno basically thought it lacked anything and Carrie Ann warned them that they needed to define themselves in the competition. But papa Hamilton was still proud of it!

Scores: Carrie Ann: 6 Len: 5 Bruno: 4 (ouch!) Total: 15/30

 

Celebrity: Donny Osmond, singer

Professional Partner: Kym Johnson

Dance: Foxtrot

Song: “All That Jazz” from Chicago

Breakdown: I knew right away that Kym and Donny would be a couple to reckon with because they both have very bubbly personalities, which seem to blend well on the dance floor. I have no doubt that Donny will be able to sell his dance, it’s just a matter of if he’ll be able to execute. Though it’s a little uneasy, he and Kym do a fantastic job, especially for the first week. I’m calling this right now, once Donny gets into the swing of things with dancing, he’ll go at least as far as Marie did, if not much farther. Bruno thought his hold was a problem, Carrie Ann also called him out on his technique, and Len docked him for too much “razzmatazz” (a word I totally forgot existed until now).

Scores: Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 6 Bruno: 7 (ouch!) Total: 20/30

 

Celebrity: Louie Vito, snowboard champion

Professional Partner: Chelsie Hightower

Dance: Foxtrot

Song: “It’s My Life” by No Doubt

Breakdown: Easily the shortest couple in the competition, Louie definitely has a lot to work on from the beginning. From shot after shot in rehearsal, it seems like this guy doesn’t even have a chance in hell, especially after Chelsie has to tape him into the hold—and he still can’t keep it up! On the floor, you can see that he’s really worked on his hold, but it still seems like Chelsie is dancing around him. Still, he can’t stop smiling, so you have to give him a lot of credit for that. Len makes fun of his hair, Bruno digs him for falling, and Carrie Ann was happy to see him give such an effort.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 6 Len: 7 Bruno: 6 Total: 19/30

 

Celebrity: Michael Irvin, NFL Hall of Famer

Professional Partner: Anna Demidova

Dance: Cha Cha

Song: “I Got You (I Feel Good)” by James Brown

Breakdown: Anna is the defending champion from last year, and it looks like she’s not going to have much luck with Michael, though you have to give him mad props for trying to beat out Jerry Rice. I’ll be shocked if he gets to the finals, like Jerry, but good for him for trying. His hips actually don’t move, so I’m almost scared to watch him perform, because it’s always painful to watch someone bomb on the floor. When they start dancing, Michael tries really, really hard to move those hips, but it’s just not happening, nor is the rest of the dance. Len and Bruno don’t seem to have much to say, but Carrie Ann calls Anna out on not pushing Michael hard enough, because it looks like he can do more.

Scores: Carrie Ann: 5 Len: 4 Bruno: 4 Total: 13/30

 

Celebrity: Tom DeLay, former House majority leader

Professional Partner: Cheryl Burke

Dance: Cha Cha

Song: “”Wild Thing” by Chip Taylor

Breakdown: If I were Cheryl, I wouldn’t be too happy, because not only do you get the old guy, you get the politician that a lot of people don’t like. She definitely has an uphill battle if she expects to get anywhere with this guy. It gets even worse when Tom is at rehearsal wearing the tucked in shirts and high-waisted sweatpants…oh, the horror! And Cheryl can’t hide her panic and disgust very well, which makes for a hilarious combo. The opening shot of Tom DeLay shaking his butt at the camera was enough to make my night, but it only started there. He got down and slid on his knees, then he points to Bruno with a sexy eye. Oh wow, this was definitely the highlight of the night. Len probably summed it up best: “Parts were magic and parts were tragic.”

Scores: Carrie Ann: 6 Len: 5 Bruno: 5 (ouch!) Total: 16/30

 

Now comes the second dance for everyone, which, of course, is made incredibly confusing by the show. Basically, the eight guys have been split into two groups of four, each of which will dance together on the dance floor, so they can be compared side-by-side. Within each group, the dancers will be ranked 1-4, with 1 receiving 10 extra points and 4 receiving 4 points.

 

First up are Chuck and Anna, Donny and Kym, Louie and Chelsie and Ashley and Edyta in the “salsa relay.” Ashley and Edyta are up first and he’s still out of his element, though moreso than usual now that more technique is needed. Chuck comes out strong, but too strong. He slips again and still looks kind of goofy. Donny and Kym look a little more natural, but his faces are still too much for me. Louie explodes onto the floor with a flip, and makes a great attempt to carry the momentum through the dance. Personally, my ranking was: Donny, Louie, Chuck, then Ashley. The judges can’t seem to get enough of Donny, though let’s be honest, he didn’t have that much competition. The judges ranked the dancers: Donny (10), Louie (8), Chuck (6), Ashley (4).

 

Last up is the Viennese Waltz relay between Aaron and Karina, Mark and Lacey, Tom and Cheryl and Michael and Anna. Aaron is a bit dramatic, but he seems to have the lines and moves down incredibly well, especially the fluidity. Mark has the fluidity down, too, but he seems to lack the subtle grace that Aaron did. Tom takes a couple stumbles, but overall he does a solid job. Michael, on the other hand, just looks clunky trying to dance the correct tempo. My rank: Aaron, Mark, Tom, Michael. The judges ranked them: Aaron (10), Mark (8), Michael (6), Tom (4).

 

Be sure to tune in tomorrow night at 8/7c to see the women take the dance floor, only on Dancing With the Stars on ABC!

 

(Photo courtesy of ABC)

 

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