Dating Naked on VH1 gives you more bang for your buck - literally!

I have to admit I was a little hesitant to watch this show and thought it was just going to be gratuitous nudity with a bunch of himbos and bimbos running around with their private bits blurred and nothing else to it.

But I admit to being pleasantly entertained by this dating show, that actually seems pretty normal except for the fact they they are all, well, um, naked.

We meet Joe, the muscle bound heavily tattooed self proclaimed semi Guido from Deer Park, Long Island NY who wants to settle down with a wife, kids, a dog and a white picket fence…..he was married at 19 but the marriage was annulled after 5 months which leaves me wondering if there is not some strange story that goes with that. Joe says he likes the idea of Dating Naked because there’s no secrets, “I see you, you see me.” Ah yes, clothes, the only thing that stands between you and an honest partner. I wish!

Enter, Wee Wee, 36 from Nashville, with an ironic nickname given the show’s agenda, but other than saying her real name is Cristine, but everyone calls her Wee Wee, we never find out why she is named after a body part or what you do with said body part. Wee Wee wants to be independent but wants a man who can look after her…was in a 10 year relationship and didn’t get the ring…and now she is very aware that her biological clock is ticking and she breaks down sharing the fear that she may, at this late stage, become a childless woman. Seriously, honey, you should have walked out after 5 years of no ring. 10 years is cray cray!

Amy Paffrath, the fully clothed host explains they will date each other and two more people each, then come back and decide on who they have the most chemistry with claiming that “before you bare your soul you have to bare everything else first.” That translates as get your gear off and get butt nekid so our ratings will spike.

So off to the beach they go and Joe expresses his fear of literally “rising to the occasion" at the inappropriate moment i.e., when he first sets eyes on Naked Wee Wee. He says he will try to think of elephants and monkeys and is determined to simply look his date “straight in the eye”.

Their first moments are awkward, as you can imagine with Joe joking he hadn't even bought her a drink and she has her clothes off. Wee Wee in her to camera interview comes back with,  “All I could see was his testicles” . Hahaha, such a lady. But Wee-Wee’s dirty talk did not stop there. When they went on their date to find a big clear ball that you step into and roll around in, Wee Wee grabs the air blower to refill the ball with air and claims  this is “The strangest blow job I've ever given”. Okay then.

Clever edit to her then crying about being single and not having babies and a husband and I couldn't help but chuckle. The beauty of this show is in it’s clever editing and great casting of people who just seem to say the wrong thing, over and over again, and quite possibly the very reason they are all single and forced to do dating naked in the last great hope of finding their one true love. 

It’s then dinner time at The Jungle Villa - with clothing optional so they opt for board shorts and bikini but soon get butt nekid again.

Joe says, “You are one of the coolest girls I’ve met .” 

Wee Wee replies with, “Shut up!” All righty then!

Second date and Joe is smitten immediately with the extremely beautiful (on the outside) Jasmine from Israel who saunters along the beach like the snake entering the Garden of Eden.

Wee Wee expresses her fear of Joe’s date being a distraction to their chemistry and says hopefully she is not skinny with big boobs. Oopsy!

Joe and Jasmine get naked boogie boarding and wind up relaxing in a hammock while poor Wee Wee meets her second date Jack, who is as white as a ghost, already naked and wearing “sneakers”. He obviously failed to look in the mirror before going out and dude, ever thought of getting a spray tan? 

Their date is making naked body art…..and Jack goes all in by pouring paint all over his "personal paintbrush" (that he wishes had been stiffer) and makes love to the canvas. Yes we’ve all seen those elephants in Thaliand paint with their trunks, and this is the white men can’t jump version of this.

Jack shares his life story…..another delicious irony of this show, where we, in our comfortable arm chairs can clearly see why these people are single. Dude, sharing is not caring. Don’t open the can of worms until you’ve already hooked that fish. 

And Wee Wee just keeps talking about Joe. Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe. Poor Jack doesn’t stand a chance.

But then Jasmine, Wee Wee, Joe and Jack all have drinks together back at the jungle villa and it is clear that both Jack and Joe are smitten with the beautiful Jasmine and poor Wee Wee is already rabidly jealous.

Jasmine is one of those flirty girls that loves to win and will stop at nothing to get the guy, even if she doesn’t want him, but will do so just so no one else can have him and I admit I’d also be throwing the same kind of eye daggers Wee Wee was hurling her way.

Date three and Joe meets Crissy a professional violinist who looks like a Jamaican punk rocker.

They end up naked on a speed boat water toy being dragged around the ocean and I can't imagine what the pounding of the waves would be doing to Joe until he succinctly sums it up with a “that really hurt my wee -wee.” Wait are we talking about your junk or what went on last night with Jasmine? Oooh gotta love a good double entendre.

Speaking of which, we cut back to Wee Wee (who is still missing Joe) despite meeting  the handsome black guy, Justice, a Miami event booker.

They go bird watching with Wee Wee summing up their date with another lady like observational gem of, “His bird was the only one I saw today.” Nice.

And then there were 6. All naked, all back at the jungle villa, all three sheets to the wind (aussie for drunk) and with all three guys googly eyed over temptress Jasmine and Wee Wee not very happy about it.

Joe goes and talks with WeeWee and in doing so incurs the wraith of Jasmine who immediately switches her affections full tilt to Justice, in order to make Joe jealous. Poor Jack is simply left alone to contemplate what effect the tropical sun can have on ultra white skin. 

Joe explains that he is definitely conflicted but sums it up, quite articulately with “Jasmine is clearly the kind of girl you take home (nudge nudge wink wink) but don’t take home to mom.” Yeah baby! I like Joe even more at this point. Say it like it is!

Joe then kisses Wee Wee but the minute he goes back to the pool Jasmine can sense she is losing her grip on him and takes him upstairs and plants one on him, claiming she was giving him a taste of what he might have should he choose her. Eugh. I want to slap that bi-atch so badly but then realize this is the genius of the show. I've been watching it for fifteen minutes and I’m already invested in the outcome.

Then they all come together at the end and have to reveal who they connected with the most, supposedly going on a real date sometime in the future with their clothes on. This bit is not clear and maybe we have an update or a reunion Bachelor style to if any of this Naked Dating actually worked.

Joe thankfully chooses Wee Wee because “He is done chasing”….hahaha Jasmine I’m sorry but I’m not…we’ve all seen and been up against those kinds of girls and it was nice to see Joe at a time in his life where he wants a no nonsense relationship with someone more intent on being respectful than counting the notches on her bedpost. I make a prediction we will see Jasmine turn up on an episode of The Bachelor because, well, that's the kind of gal she seems to be.

Wee-Wee explains she was the least attracted to the male “player” Justice who comes back with an hilarious explanation of why he wasn’t into her. He sums it up with, “If you are bringing filet mignon to the table (meaning he is a big hunk of expensive meat apparently) you have to bring some fiiiiiine mashed potatoes and Wee-Wee just doesn't have the swag to facilitate Mr. Justice.” You gotta love a guy who refers to himself in the third person. Bye Bye Justice. Hello loneliness.

And so the sun goes down on this Garden of Eden….the snake is defeated, the devil goes off to look for some meat and potatoes and poor Jack is left rubbing Aloe on his very sunburnt skin.

Oh and Wee-Wee picked Joe which makes for a very happy ending indeed. 

Dating Naked is on VH1