by Kylene Hamulak

 

It feels like forever since we've had a true Abby Lee Dance Moms episode, but tonight she's back in every way imaginable. Remember the last time Abby Lee spent extensive time in LA and returned to find that the girls hadn't spent every waking minute practicing? Did you think we learned any lessons?

 

Nope.

 

Abby returns already ticked off that Maddie was the only dancer who made the trip out to see her. Well, as it turns out, the Moms made a pact that none of them were going to send their daughters out to the West Coast, due in part to how she handled the judging "mishap" between Chloe and Maddie. Something tells me we're not done with that.

 

Pyramid begins with Brooke on the bottom, who apparently didn't spend too much time at the studio when Abby was away because she was very busy recording a cd. Yes, you read that right - she was recording. A cd. Of her voice. Singing, I would presume. So there's that. Paige is right there next to her, with Kendall and Nia both there with her. All three girls tell Abby they think they're improving, taking extra classes to work on their skills.

 

Mackenzie makes it into the second row, and if that's not tough enough, Abby tells her she's getting "a little too old for cute." WHAT?! Too old for CUTE?! Blasphemy! Chloe is in the middle of the pack, for coming in second. After coming in first.  Remember that?

 

"Abby would rather go on a diet than say Chloe should be on top of the pyramid," Christi tells us.

 

Asia makes it into the second spot even though, of course, she isn't there. Again. Of course, that puts Maddie on top of the pyramid, which really should just be renamed "Maddie's Spot."

 

For dance assignments, Maddie gets a tap solo, while Mackenzie gets a solo but will not be with the group. The final solo is given to Chloe, who will dance hip hop, and will set up another Maddie vs. Chloe showdown. And a totally fair one at that, considering Maddie has been training in tap for years and Abby knows Chloe needs a lot of work on her hip hop.

 

The group routine is called  "Gone Too Soon," with each girl portraying a "Hollywood tragedy": Nia is Whitney Houston, Kendall will be Selena (which Abby clarifies is NOT Selena Gomez), Brooke is Amy Whinehouse, Paige is Anna Nicole Smith, Chloe is Marilyn Monroe, and Maddie will be Princess Di. I'm not sure I would group Princess Di with the rest of them being as how she was ROYALTY, but sure, Abby...these choices make sense. She wants them to research their characters because if they don't? One of THEM may be "gone too soon"!

 

From the Abby Lee Dance Company, that is.

 

Meanwhile the Moms decide that Abby best matches with Ursula. The sea witch. Who steals beautiful children. I'm tempted to point out that she was not a human, but Princess Di wasn't Hollywood either, so who am I to judge?

 

Chloe begins her solo hip hop rehearsals with Payton, who is skilled in the style. Christi doesn't expect from the routine, and Holly suggests that maybe the lack of pressure will give Chloe a chance to have some fun with it.

 

Know who's not having fun? Melissa. Because the Moms want to know why she went back on their pact NOT to send the girls out to California. It sets off a classic firestorm of accusations, including Christi bringing up that Melissa (allegedly) slept with her boss (who she is now married to but was previously married to someone else when alleged affair occurred). Melissa storms off, which does not go unnoticed by Abby.

 

Abby's got Melissa's back though. She wants to know what happened, and, while Melissa does tell Abby what Christi says, she also claims she will not say any of the mean things she WANTS to say because, unlike Christi (according to Melissa), SHE is not white trash. Abby invites her to stay in the studio instead of sitting with the Moms, which I predict will really help the situation.

 

Mackenzie's routine, "California Adventure," is full of tumbling stunts. It should be a huge dance, but Abby thinks it's boring and isn't happy that Mackenzie is out of breath. Whyyyyyy is Mackenzie out of breath? Brace yourself - she PLAYED at RECESS! GASP! What could ever possess a 9-YEAR-OLD to actually PLAY at RECESS?!

 

"Just because nobody played with Abby at recess doesn't mean she has to take it out on poor little Mackenzie," observes Christi.

 

Also, note: The whole reason Kelly sends HER kids to school is to have social interaction. Soooo...yeah, hope that cd works out for ya, Brooke, because Mom's hopes for your education are a little lacking!

 

So then it's Maddie's turn to rehearse her tap routine. She tells us it's one of her best strengths, and everyone agrees it looks like a great routine. As the Moms watch, however, Christi notes that no matter what, Abby will fix it so that Chloe wouldn't win...annnnnd cue the footage of Abby consulting the judges about their scoring "glitch" from the previous episode.

 

The Moms go back and forth a bit with Melissa insisting she doesn't want to talk about it and Kelly prodding her as to WHY they shouldn't be able to talk about why she went against her promise to the team, and then Melissa shuts everyone up with, "I'm sure you wish I would die in a car accident." Say what now?

 

Well, after that little statement, I'm ready for a drink, and so are the Moms. They (sans Melissa) "belly up to the bar" to continue their gossip over hundred dollar martinis.

 

While the group works on their routine, the Moms are visited by Leslie, Payton's mom, who tells Christi that her daughter will stay late to help work with Chloe. None of the Moms really react to Leslie, but they all - even Melissa - are happy to see her leave.

 

"I have enough crazy dance moms to deal with sitting upstairs, I don't need to engage with two women who are clearly here just to pick a fight," says Christi. "We're all stocked up on crazy here."

 

And as if to demonstrate the point, Melissa is refusing to acknowledge her role in any of this and when once again cornered in conversation by the other Moms, she heads into the studio to talk to Abby.

 

"Dr. Holly might have a Ph.D. in Edcuation, but Melissa has a Ph.D. in kissing Abby's ass," says Christi.

 

On competition day, the girls are getting ready for competition. Mackenzie is dressed like a futuristic alien with some swirly thing coming out of her head, so I really hope that gets explained at some point. And because her pep talks are always so motivational and inspiring and not at ALL threatening, Abby does a great job reminding Mackenzie that Asia wins for her, so if she (Mackenzie) "bombs," she's out and Asia's in. No pressure.

 

Mackenzie's solo is up first. Sadly, there's no explanation on the costume (is she supposed to be a sunshine? Do people actually dress that way in California?), but the routine is great, and Abby thinks she has a strong chance of winning.

 

Chloe's solo hip hop routine isn't bad per se, but I gotta admit...there was a lot of second hand embarrassment going on for me. Why? Because just doesn't seem natural for her. As Abby says, she was "good," but she's just such a pretty dancer, the hip hop movements seemed out of place. Maddie's tap routine is much more organic, and she does a terrific job with it. Even when the apron of her costume begins to fall down, Maddie just continues tapping. "That kid was like a pro," Abby says.

 

Back in the green room to get ready for the group dance, Abby enters telling Melissa she's on her last nerve but high fiving Maddie for a job well done. Chloe? Not so good - Abby accuses her of forgetting a piece of her choreography, which Chloe insists she didn't.

 

When the "Hollywood tragedies" star coming out in costume, most of them actually look really good. I'm not sure they're instantly recognizable, but, again, who am I to judge. Maddie is wearing a little girl's party dress and a tiny tiara that makes her look nothing like Princess Diana. The routine looks good overall, but the only kid Abby watched was Maddie.

 

Give me a moment to get over the shock of her statement.

 

But it's award time, and our girls start with a 1^st Place finish for Mackenzie. Chloe is awarded 4^th Place for her solo, with Maddie taking 2^nd Place in the division. SECOND?! First loser?! For MADDIE?! Abby is livid - no, I mean, she actually says, "I. AM. LIVID." Well, at least the Maddie's group routine came in 1^st Place...but Abby doesn't really care. She's preoccupied by Maddie's 2^nd Place finish.

 

The girls come in excited about their win, especially Chloe, who is thrilled with 4^th Place. I don't really know how it happened, however, but all of a sudden Melissa and Christi are fighting again, this time in front of the kids. Chloe stands there stunned, while Dr. Holly tries to remove her from witnessing whatever words are about to be exchanged.

 

When Abby Lee enters the room, Melissa has already gathered her things and her kids and is halfway out the door. We see Maddie running off upset, but after her reaction to her last "loss", it could be more about getting 2^nd Place than Dance Moms behavior. Abby tells her to save the tears for her pillow and to use "evil" as her motivation to be stronger and better.

 

As Abby calls Maddie over for a hug and tells us, the viewers, that it's Maddie's time to shine and the Moms are jealous of her, I can't help but wonder how long it'll be before the girls start turning against their friend. She hasn't been shown to be gracious in a loss, even to her own teammate, and running into the arms of a bully may not make her very popular in the future, no matter how beautifully talented she is.

 

Catch Dance Moms every Tuesday at 9/8c on Lifetime!

 

(Image Courtesy of Lifetime)

 

Follow Kylene on Twitter at @keepingupwithky!