by Kylene Hamulak

 

We're back in the ballroom for Dancing With the Stars! Naturally, "stars" is kind of a loose term around here, so we'll have two weeks to learn about the people we've forgotten about (or never knew about) before we start kicking people off. Want to know more about this season's couples? Check out Reality Wanted's preview to meet the cast!

 

THE GOOD:

 

Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough, Cha Cha Cha

Kellie tells us their rehearsals are like a circus, and Derek is already preparing us for a loooong season of tomfoolery between these two. Kelly looks great, especially considering it's week 1, twisting and shaking all over the floor. Len loves it except for a bit of stiffness in the legs, and Bruno agrees, making a thinly veiled reference to Kellie's very svelte figure. (PS - I put the cookies away halfway through her routine.) Carrie Ann is impressed as well - "You've got sass, and you've got class!"

Total Score: 21 (7-7-7)

 

Ingo Rademacher and Kym Johnson, Contemporary

Fact: Ingo as a child looked exactly like Ingo as an adult. Contemporary dance isn't as flashy as some of the other types, but it's absolutely gorgeous. Oh, did I say "it's"? I meant they. Because Ingo and Kym are beautiful, and so is the dance. Carrie Ann saw the lifts, the ballet, the connection, and especially, the passion that she's looking for in Contemporary. Len is less impressed, but everyone is pretty sure he doesn't understand the style of dance. Bruno compares Ingo to Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook, and I'm pissed at myself for not thinking of it first.

Total Score: 20 (7-6 (Len)-7)

 

Zendaya Coleman and Val Chmerkovskiy, Contemporary

Zendaya is the youngest contestant the show's ever had, but she's already a triple threat. Val doesn't want her to be good - he wants her to be incredible. She's barefoot as she gives an entertaining performance that takes her to the top of the judges' table (literally), and the crowd is loving her. Carrie Ann loves it and is impressed by her maturity as a dancer. Len says the three words he never thought he'd say in week 1: "That. Was. Great." Bruno calls it a superb debut and can't wait to see her other dances. You know who she reminds me of? Jennifer Lopez. Go ahead. Discuss.

Total Score: 24 (8-8-8)

 

Dorothy Hamill and Tristan McManus, Contemporary

During her treatment for breast cancer, Dorothy was inspired by Kristi Yamaguchi's time on DWTS, and her story has me rooting for her already. Well, that and Tristan. I don't really get his costume (is he supposed to be some sort of winter scarecrow?) but she looks terrific and floats around the ballroom just as if she was still on ice. Carrie Ann declares the performance golden and heartfelt. Len designates it an "Area of Outstanding Beauty." I don't really know what it means, but it seems impressive if you say it with a British accent. Bruno says it was really good - he loved the storytelling. Guys, my Tristan just might get to stick around a while if this continues.

Total Score: 21 (7-7-7)

 

Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff, Cha Cha Cha.

Jacoby has apparently been benched due to surgery and couldn't rehearse until last week. It's a flashy performance full of smoke machines and bright lights and glow sticks in the audience, and the crowd, of course, loves it, which is was basically what I expected. Carrie Ann called it a "big old melody of touchdown dances," while Len says it was "all icing and no cake" with terrible technique. Bruno tells him he has the potential to become the "Season 16 sex machine." Which I didn't think was the prize, but maybe they changed things up this time instead of the mirror ball?

Total: 20 (7-6 (Len)-7)

 

 

THE BAD:

 

DL Hughley and Cheryl Burke, Cha Cha Cha

DL tells us he has the legs of a chicken, but a heart of a lion and has nicknamed himself "Boogie Fantastic." He clomps around the floor and is pretty...not fantastic. Bruno begins with "OMG - you have terminated the Cha Cha Cha." Carrie Ann stretches before her critique of "Y-y-y-yikes." Bruno calls it rough and worries that if any dance was going to suit him, it would've been this one. "Usually when I get judges, it's a lot harder than that," says DL.

Total Score: 12 (4-4-4)

Wynonna Judd and Tony Dovolani, Cha Cha Cha

Wynonna also comes with an inspirational story - she's dancing for her husband, who lost his leg in a horrific accident just last year. What is there to say about Wynonna's performance? It was probably the prettiest walking around a dance floor I've seen in a while. Her family looks proud...but Tony is gonna have plenty of time to polish the trophy he won on the All-Star season. Len softens his critique and says it was a good first performance, considering all the nerves. Bruno accuses her of tantalizing him and tells her to "give it large!" Carrie Ann thought she was working it, but she needs to give it more.

Total Score: 18 (6-6-6)

 

Andy Dick and Sharna Burgess, Fox Trot

Andy considers DWTS his BIGGEST chance. Really? A dancing reality show is your BIGGEST chance? I'm clearly aiming for the wrong things in life. I really liked their routine, however - I'm not sure the dancing was amazing, but the personality was great. Bruno describes it as "Woody Allen doing the Fox Trot." He thinks there's a long way to go, but he still enjoyed it. Carrie Ann found it quite charming, but Len thought it was jerky with "the fluidity of Robocop."

Total Score: 17 (6-5 (Len)-6)

 

THE REST:

 

Newlywed: Len apparently got married since the All-Star Season. Congratulations, ya old curmudgeon!

 

THAT'S Where I've Seen Her Before:

Victor Ortiz and Lindsay Arnold, Foxtrot

It's scary when the new pro is more familiar to me than the actual star - Lindsay was on last summer's So You Think You Can Dance, and I'm not surprised they've found a place for her in the ballroom. On the range of suckage, she gives Victor a 4. She's about right. They're cute, and it's a fair debut, but they'll have a lot of work ahead of them. Bruno tells him to work on his frame ("This is not Gorilla's in the Mist"!), but both he and Carrie Ann make note of his charm. Len thinks it was uneventful, but he did like it, and he's looking forward to seeing Victor using quick footwork.

Total Score: 18 (6-6-6)

 

Best Guest Star:

Lisa Vanderpump and Gleb Savchenko, Fox Trot

Real Housewife Lisa meets her partner for the first time, and so do we. First impression? This guy should be in a yogurt commercial, where all the ladies are sitting around watching him clean a pool. Expectations are low for DWTS's first Housewife, but she's not bad, and it's a cute routine. Len calls it acceptable but not exceptional, and Bruno has some tips for her about posture. Carrie Ann thought it suited her - very nice and easy on the eyes, though she has some tips too. My favorite part about Lisa is that her pup, Giggy, has his own bellhop! Oh, please keep her around so we can see more of Gleb and Giggy!!

Total Score: 18 (6-6-6)

 

Surpriiiiiise - He's Back:

Sean Lowe and Peta Murgatroyd, Fox Trot

Sean has taken over Monday nights on ABC for the last few months, so why not give the Bachelor some dance lessons? He got some problems getting all his parts moving together and says he's pretty sure he looks ridiculous. Well, yeah, if you're gonna move around like that, you would be correct, Sean. The routine is set up like a giant pinball machine, and honestly...that's the best part about it. He really is awkward, and lucky to have Peta on the floor with him. Len liked certain parts of it, but notes that it lacked finesse and quality of movement. Bruno tells him, "For a dance virgin, you have a very effective pelvic thrust!" and agrees that he does need to refine it. Carrie Ann claims she liked it rough. Soooo...best to move along.

Total Score: 19 (7 (Carrie Ann)-6-6)

 

Most Awkward Interview:

Aly Raisman and Mark Ballas, Cha Cha Cha

My hope for Aly this season is that she learns to speak in something other than a monotone. Right off the bat, she's got more attitude and less costume than her buddy Shawn Johnson did on the show. She's fun to watch, but we'll see where this goes. Bruno is very surprised that she gave a really good cha cha, and Carrie Ann sees a lot of potential, though the performance was a little safe for her. Len loved the vitality she brought to the dance - "Well done, good job," he tells them. Side note: Brooke needs to step away from the flirty questions until Aly learns that she can use answers besides the same ones she was trained to spit out during her Olympic media tour.

Total Score: 21 (7-7-7)

 

Final Thoughts: The first night of performances is mostly a chance for the couples to get their feet wet, so I'm not shocked that the judges were fairly wishy washy on their scores. Considering the comments, I would've expected some couples to rank higher than they were scored with some falling back a couple of points, but with another week of performances and viewer votes taken into consideration, it'll likely wash. The only way DL will survive this, however, is to come back strong next week and hope like hell that Cheryl's fans don't abandon them.

 

The Standings:

24: Zendaya & Val

21: Kellie & Derek

20: Ingo & Kym

21: Aly & Mark, Dorothy & Tristan

20: Jacoby & Karina

19: Sean & Peta

18: Victor & Lindsay, Lisa & Gleb, Wynonna & Tony

17: Andy & Sharna

12: DL & Cheryl

 

Dancing With The Stars airs every Monday and Tuesday at 8/7c on ABC!

 

(Images courtesy of ABC)

 

Follow Kylene on Twitter @keepingupwithky!