by Kylene Hamulak

 

"The Girl Who Makes The Grade"

 

Cycle 19 of Tyra's search for America's Next Top Model is headed to college! The episode opens with P'Trique joining Tyra in a Legally Blonde-esque brainstorming session about how to freshen up the show after - gasp! - 19 seasons. Are the co-eds ready for H2T smizing? (Note: If that last piece was a foreign language to you, it's time you Tyraspeak your vocabulary.)

 

For the first time ever, America will get the chance to participate in choosing who will be our next top model. Seems like a lot of pressure, but welcome to the judging panel, America. Also on the panel? Well, Tyra (naturally), fashion publicist Kelly Cutrone, and model Rob Evans (it seems unfair that the universe granted him looks AND a perfect accent), with blogger Bryanboy to voice public opinion, while Johnny Wujek will be consulting for the photo shoots.

 

Tyra has chosen the top 30 contenders from schools across the country, from the West Coast to the Ivy League and every community college and beauty school in between. Well, maybe not EVERY. But enough to compile a clip reel of college girls smizing around their campuses instead of studying.

 

The models arrive at the house ready to party and show their school spirit. Maria, representing Harvard, thinks the college edition is going to be a great chance to prove "just because you're a model, you're not stupid." Who wants to bet that at least SOME of her fellow contestants really don't help that argument?

 

Who is she going up against? Well, there's Kiara, the basketball player from University of California Irvine, who speaks in a monotone, and Victoria, who "does" Liberty University online and dresses like an American flag. Should I be saluting or something? Anyway, she's been homeschooled since age 9 and doesn't have a lot of friends, so it's nice to see she's going to continue down that route in adulthood.

 

Taryn Manning (who will absolutely always be the girl from Britney's movie) is the event dj, and when she announces Tyra's arrival, it's like watching the audience react to Oprah's "Favorite Things" episode. Rob Evans gets a good response too, and he explains, "I'm pretty much the same age as these girls, so I can vibe with them on a different level." Mmm-hmm...I'm pretty sure I can guess what level most of these girls would like to vibe with you on, Rob.

 

To determine which of the 30 girls will continue on in the competition and move in to the "sorority house," they will be competing in not only a photo shoot, but also a walk-off. They strip to their bikinis and half-shirts and strut around the pool.

Kiara and Victoria are the first to walk - Kiara takes the cheap shot, saying "isn't that an ONLINE university?" She impresses Rob with her walk as well - I may need subtitles to understand him, but I'm pretty sure he said Kiara reminded him of some of the top people he's worked with.

 

Kristin, of Florida State College, admits she used to be a mean girl, and warns that could come out if need be. Jessie, a grad student at USC, is quirky and different. Plus she had a backside that warranted a censor dot, so that should win her some fans. Briana is from the University of Texas. By her own account, she's also energetic, and she's fun, and she has ADD. Thanks for sharing, Briana.

 

Jasmine is making animal noises now, so there's that - apparently meowing is intended to be highly intimidating for the competition. Fulfilling our gap-toothed quota for this cycle is Leila, of University of Rhode Island. Judging from her personality so far, I'd say she's probably standing out for a lot of reasons. Mostly good.

 

Up next is the photo shoot, where Johnny Wujek asks Leila if anyone ever said she resembles Kristen Stewart. Honestly, I don't see it, but Leila isn't surprised to hear it. Johnny also loves the gap - see, I TOLD you it would help her stand out! Nastasia, of East Stroudsburg University, impresses Rob and Johnny as well, and Destiny, who is from the Aveda Institute but spent her teens living in a group home, is really working it.

 

Following the shoot, the girls are brought into "The Social Media Room," where they have access to the sites where the photos are posted for the viewers to see, like, and comment on. I'm pretty sure someone said that people were writing "really mean stuff," but we didn't get to see it. The girls seem excited to get the feedback and give some shout outs to friends and family.

 

And then it's to the judge's room, until 30 will become 13.

 

LAURA, Paul Smith's College (21) is first up, and the judges claim to be impressed with her work on the walk off and shoot, but Johnny says he's disappointed that she looks like she's dressed as a publicist...which was all Tyra needed to hear to give the poor girl a makeover right there. Skirt comes up, sleeves come off the shoulder, hair is a wet mess, and VOILA! Instant model!

 

BRITTANY, Chandler-Gilbert Community College (18) is bubbling over the second she enters the room - and she's a HUUUUGE Disney fan. Welp, there ya go, she's got my vote. I appreciate DESTINY, Aveda Institute of Columbus (18)'s story and how much she seems genuinely grateful for the opportunity. I do not appreciate Tyra forcing her to talk about "dumpster diving."

 

You think a gap tooth sets a model apart? How about a retainer and a FAKE tooth? Cause IVORY, Cypress Community College (18) can offer you one of those. She can also fit her fist in her mouth. ALLYSSA, Florida State (20) has a tattoo that says BOSS in the inside of her lip. She showed it, too. And I'm squeamy just writing that. AMBER, Texas Tech University (23) arrives dressed like Nancy Drew.

 

BRIANA, University of Texas (22) is also a songwriter who can spell backwards, offering a rendition of "Pot Ledom." CHRISTIN, University of Illinois (22) brings pompoms and a cheer, but at least she's spelling everything forwards. JASMINE, Elan Makeup Studio (22) tells the judges she's also known as "Kitty" because, well, she just likes to meow. Which we saw proof of already. Then she gets into some weird hiss-off with Tyra, and I'm kind of wondering if I need to call animal control or something.

 

VICTORIA, Liberty University (18) works every moment she has in front of the judges and tells them she feels like an old soul. They call her weird looking in a good way, and she credits her Jewish and Native American heritage. And then she calls one of her facebook detractors a racist. Sooo....yeah, there's that.

 

Want to know more about Victoria? Ask the other models, because they've got a lot to say about her, and I feel kind of bad about it when it turns out Victoria can hear the discussion. She might be a little quirky, but she's no less qualified to be in the competition than many of the other girls. Don't worry, Victoria - they're just intimidated by you!

 

And as a second don't worry, those same girls are also anti-LEILA, University of Rhode Island (20), and she got some great feedback from the judging panel. They love her gap (which apparently she closed and chose to allow it to reopen because she was more comfortable with it) and think she has great potential.

 

MARIA, Harvard University (22) starts crying because she's had it tough being so beautiful and smart and young. She says she was teased until she "came out of the closet about modeling." No, really. I don't make this stuff up. DARIAN, Louisiana State University (22) has an impromptu modeling session with Rob, and the judges compliment her confidence and energy.

 

I barely know her, but the cattiness of KACI, Kent State University (19) backstage has sort of turned me off from her. She sings a little, which is also annoying to me even though they asked for it, but then she says her grandma died three weeks ago. And now I feel bad again for not giving her a chance. JESSIE, University of Southern California (23) is apparently the most popular girl at school, ‘cause the other girls love her. And her perfect butt. So do the judges.

 

And then there's our self-proclaimed "Mean Girl," KRISTIN, Florida State College (19). Who has apparently gotten into, and I quote, "brawls." Like, plural. And she's not proud of it, but she's brought it up a couple of times already, so, like, I guess she just wants us all to be warned. Other things she wants us to know? You CAN be "just pretty." It's worked for the past 19 years of HER life.

 

NASTASIA, East Stroudsburg University (19) likes to pop-lock, and does a good job at isolating movements. Tyra is impressed. You may know YVONNE, University of Texas (20) better as Miss Black University of Texas. Like...that's a thing. And she's it. She's got the wave and everything. She also has daddy-issues, a strong mom, and curves. KIARA, University of California (22) has been abused and homeless and worked hard to get a scholarship for school so she could get out of that cycle. Tyra suggests that she try to express more "athlete" than "sexy", and basketball has done great things for her body.

 

The girls are lined up on the lawn of the house when Tyra comes out to tell them who will be moving into the sorority house.

Cycle 19's Models are:

 

Kristin, Nastasia, Laura, Allyssa, Destiny, Kiara, and Leila. And as more than half the spots are filled, it gets funnier and funnier to me to watch the other girls react to names that aren't their own. There's screaming and crying, and there are death glares being shot around that lawn. Moving on....

 

Darian, Maria, Jessie, Brittany, Yvonne, and....the final spot goes to....the last model in the house is....VICTORIA.

 

Kaci is sad, and I'm a little sad for her. I'm less sad for Briana, who invites those of us who did not vote for her to kiss her behind. Jasmine is talking cat, so...just...yeah, I mean, I'm glad that's over.

 

The girls all move into the sorority house, and though we don't see much, I can only imagine the shenanigans that are going to be going down under that roof. And judging from the previews for upcoming shows? Doesn't look like we have to let our imaginations run wild for too long before those shenanigans are reality!

 

 

America's Next Top Model airs Fridays at 8/7c on The CW.

 

(Image courtesy of The CW)