by Kylene Hamulak

 

How are all my rock ‘n rollers and out of controllers tonight? It's time to put on your favorite studded leather outfit and get ready to find out which star we won't be dancing with next week!

 

Like last night's performance show, Dancing with the Stars' Week 4 Results Show opens with a KISS number accompanied by a lot of hair, a lot of makeup, and a lot of dancing. And that's even before I noticed Mark, Chelsie and a couple of the Troupe dancers on the floor.

 

Tom wastes no time getting to our results for the night, and the first couple to relive their performance is Gavin and Karina, and Gavin tells us he's proud of their performance. Melissa and Maks get the next recap, focused on the drama after she was dramatically rushed to the hospital for...whiplash and a concussion?

 

Wait...I need to rewatch that...are they really showing us video of Melissa hitting her head on Maks's thigh? Did Gavin really just carry her down the staircase? Is the KISS guy with the dinosaur horns jacket really the one best suited to monitor the situation? At any rate, her doctor gave her a rest day and we're promised she will be able to continue, but then we also find out that Maks injured his arm. On the bright side? Maks' smile and chest seem to be completely unharmed.

 

We find out Melissa and Maks are safe (which isn't THAT surprising) and joined by Gavin and Karina (which, quite frankly, IS that surprising). Gavin is shocked and starts declaring this "THE BEST WEEK EVER!"....which is kind of awkward as he hugs Maks, whose partner, is, you know, concussed and whiplashed. Best ever, Gavin. Best.

 

Tom reminds us that no other couple in the competition has seen the Bottom 2 on results night, so we're in for a surprise no matter who shows up there. We're also treated to the first encore dance of the season, for which the judges have (appropriately) chosen Donald and Peta.

Back up in the skybox, where three of our couples await their fate, Brooke talks to Gladys, Jaleel, and Maria. When asked about tricks for Latin week following the (not)kiss and clothes being torn off, Derek suggests the pants might have to go this time. (I stare at my tv in horror as Maria's crazy laugh echoes through the room.) Lest we forget that Melissa isn't the only one taking one for the team, we're once again reminded about how much pain Maria has been in, and when she tells us that she actually thought last night might have been their last dance, I realize there's no way I'd be so lucky. And if that wasn't enough? Jaleel suggests HIS trick to break out from the middle of the pack may include nudity as well. I'm not ok with that, Urkel.

 

In their respective recaps, I've noted the following: Maria is Greek. Gladys has never seen anything like the impossibly long (and gross?) tongue of Dinosaur Horns. Jaleel does a creepy panther impression. As for results? Maria and Derek are sent to safety, followed by Jaleel and Kym, and Gladys and Tristan put on their "We're Screwed" smiley faces until Tom tells them they're safe too. Based on scores and who has been sent to safety, Tom might be right about tonight's surprises.

 

Coming back from commercial, we hear from the pros about the challenges they're facing this year, with so many strong competitors on the dance floor. Everyone is feeling the pressure, focused on creating challenging routines to keep their stars in the competition.

 

Donald and Peta and Roshon and Chelsie, the night's highest scoring pairs, are in the spotlight next. Donald admits to being nervous, and Roshon jumps on that bandwagon cause it sounds better than being cocky (which you know is what he really wants to be). Before we get their results, however, we're treated to Karina's gorgeous tango performance with Jose Manuel Carreno to Gotan Project's "Santa Maria".

 

And then, without warning, we come back from commercial to find out James Van Der Beek is in the house. DAWSON has been in the ballroom this WHOLE time, and we're just finding out about it now?! He's there to promote the new ABC show he's on, but it's just in this instant that I decide he'll make the perfect C-list star for a future DWTS cast. Perhaps he could even break out that amazing cry-face when he talks about Dawson being his Mickey Mouse.

 

But let's get back to results. I want to believe their encore-worthy performance will keep them safe, but in a night of surprises, Donald and Peta make me nervous. Roshon is still going on about tricking Len into saying "good job, dawg", so if either of these teams is going to be in jeopardy, I REALLY hope it's Roshon and Chelsie. And within a moment of me having that thought, Donald is declared safe, and Roshon is basked in red light.

 

If you're headed out to Vegas anytime soon, DWTS wants you to pencil in their new live show on your itinerary, featuring an all-star cast of celebrities with nothing better to do, including Carson Kressley, Tia Carrere, and my *NSYNC boy Joey Fatone. Or you can just watch their performance on the show tonight, featuring Sabrina Bryant, Kyle Massey and...well, Tom promised a bunch of other familiar faces, but I barely knew those two.

 

The final group of stars to learn their fate includes Sherri and Val, William and Cheryl, and Katherine and Mark. Sherri tells us she's looking forward to a new day, dance and attitude next week. Cheryl acknowledges that everything went wrong for her team this week, and William agrees that it's all about getting back up. I'm not a dancer, but I might also add that it's somewhat about keeping your shoes on. Katherine and Mark get lost going to the stage.

 

When Brooke reveals that Katherine and Mark are the next pair to definitely return to the dance floor next week, Katherine has no idea what that means. It means you're SAFE, Katherine. Someone get this kid a translator. Her genuine excitement at learning she's safe, however, is kind of endearing.

 

We're tortured through a commercial break before we find out that William and Cheryl are also safe, pitting Sherri against Roshon as the bottom two for the week. I'm sad about that. I'm not sure I want to live in a world where Sherri isn't on DWTS anymore.

 

Sherri is already in almost tears when Tom talks to her, but our friend Roshon? He tells us he had no expectation that he'd be in the Bottom 2 this week. Humility, my friend - you might want to see if Donald can show you how that's done. By the time Tom announces that Sherri and Val will be leaving the competition, everyone in the ballroom is crying with her.

 

I need to confess that my friend and I may be to blame for jinxing Sherri, as we spent several minutes of Tuesday discussing how much we enjoy her. She was definitely booted too early, and I think there will be a noticeable void on the dance floor next week, especially with the Latin theme, which really would've allowed her personality to spark on the dance floor.  Rock on, Sherri.

 

We'll see the rest of you back in the ballroom next Monday.

 

 

Dancing With The Stars airs Monday at 8/7c and Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.

 

(Image courtesy of ABC)