by Mike Bandy

 

Top Model is back for an All-Star Cycle! OMG, I can't wait for all the drama, catfights, amazing pho...wait, what? What do you mean it's not just about modeling? The girls are gonna have to perform weird challenges?!? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

 

Please. Why did they make such a big deal about it being not only about modeling? It's NEVER BEEN only about modeling (and some critics would argue that it's never been about modeling at all)! But I digress - let's get to the goods of last night's epic premiere!
It all started with a crazy dream sequence where past girls came to Tyra and told her they wanted an All Star cycle, and she gave in. It was just as dumb as you'd expect. We got a preview of the cycle and all the crazy challenges the girls would be subjected to (writing their own songs? Marketing perfume? Auditioning for CSI?! I won't make the obvious joke about their careers being dead...).

 

Then the girls started arriving at the house - Angelea was first, and she's still 716, yo. Laura came next, with a cute, shorter haircut, and said that she's now a working model (yay!). Bianca was next, and we all know she's gotten tons of work since her appearance on the show, then Lisa arrived with all of her crazy. Bre came next, and Bianca was immediately upset with her for not telling her she'd be on the show (apparently the two are roommates in Chicago?). Cycle 4 party girl Brittany was next to arrive, talking about how her head was in a different place now. We'll soon see.

 

Dominique came next, and she'd had a baby two months before and you'd never be able to tell. Isis, more confident than ever since her gender reassignment surgery, arrived soon after, and then Kayla came and nobody really recognized her, thanks to her long brown hair. Allison and her massive eyes came next, and she said she'd done a lot of art directing since the show, and was used to being behind the camera now. Nobody was excited to see Camille, thanks to her reputation for being a diva, and most of the hellos she got seemed pretty fake to me.

 

Angelic Shannon from Cycle 1 was next, talking about how she wants to be a role model. I don't expect her to stay around too long. Alexandria was last to arrive, talking about how misunderstood she was.

 

After a Tyra mail telling the girls to find a bed, Mr. Jay arrived with photographer Celeste Canino, and informed the girls that their first photo shoot would take place in their backyard, and they'd be styled as larger than life versions of their top model personas. In hair and makeup, Bianca was griping because they gave her a red hair extension, Shannon was crying because she didn't want to wear lace that looked like underwear (but was somehow okay with a bikini bottom), and Kayla was happy to be a gay superhero. Fantastic.

 

The photo shoot flew by so fast we barely saw it, but I can tell you that Allison hasn't lost her chops, Camille looks even better than she did the first time around, Lisa's still crazy, and Isis is amazing. After the photo shoot, Jay told the girls that their first judging would take place at L.A. Live in front of a live audience, with guest judge Nicki Minaj! All the girls were excited about this, because as Bianca pointed out, Nicki is the biggest female rapper ever, at which point I'm sure Lil' Kim sat down to pen a sequel to Black Friday that would prove everyone wrong.

 

Anywho, judging began with a HUGE crowd, and Tyra came out and introduced the judges, and each girl came out one by one. I'll skip the details and give you the highlights - Isis' picture was amazing in a bikini and the crowd loved her, Brittany made Andre bristle when she screamed, "IT'S BRITTANY, BITCH!" at the microphone, and Allison was a huge hit with the crowd. Most of the girls were well liked. Then Alexandria came out.

 

Look, I'm not saying that the stuff people are saying about Alex is untrue - she was portrayed as someone who's really controlling and bossy and not very nice, so it was no real surprise that there'd be a couple boos in the audience. But to have just about everybody booing and shouting obscenities at her? Uncalled for. I really felt bad for her when she stood at the microphone with tears in her eyes. She's a person too, and she didn't deserve to be treated that way.

 

After the judging, Tyra said that the elimination would take place in private, and informed the girls that not only would their photo be judged, but what the audience had to say about them would also be judged. AWESOME!

During deliberation, we found out that Allison was the crowd favorite, which was a little surprising to me, not that she didn't deserve it! Nobody remembered Brittany, which was even more surprising (she yelled "SHUT UP!" at Keenyah so memorably!), and Alex was pretty much hated by everybody.

 

Time for the call outs:
1. Isis

2. Allison

3. Camille

4. Lisa

5. Angelea

6. Laura

7. Bre

8. Bianca

9. Shannon

10. Dominique

11. Sheena

12. Kayla

 

Would Brittany and Alexandria please step forward? Brittany's photo wasn't super strong, and the crowd had no comments about her. Alexandria got booed, and the judges wondered if they'd made a mistake. Alexandria was saved, and Brittany was eliminated, much to her surprise, as she "100% thought she would go far in this."

 

What did YOU think of the premiere? Who's your early pick to win? Think Lisa will pee in anything this cycle? Tell me in the comments!

 

 

America's Next Top Model airs Wednesdays at 8/7c on the CW.

 

(Image courtesy of the CW)