by Robin Hardwick

 

"Shelly vs. The World"

 

This residents of Celebrity Rehab only have a few days until they check out of their luxurious digs at the Pasadena Recovery Center. Obviously, the show is heavily edited down to a few hours out of hundreds, but viewers may still not be convinced that the gang are close to being ready for it. Something is going on with everyone's favorite bespeckled Resident Tech, Shelly.

 

Round 1: Shelly vs. Leif

 

Counselor Bob and Resident Tech Shelly take the gang to downtown LA to give them a test of what it will be like when they leave. They take the gang for dinner and Leif wonders aloud "I wonder of I have a beer, if that will make me want to use [crack]." Shelly gets really fired up, probably because she is concerned, but someone should tell her she can catch more flies with honey. "You have to do what we say because we are in charge" she tells Leif. Uh oh. I could have told her I've tried that on my seven-year-olds at camp and it didn't work even for them. She pulls Bob aside and demands that Leif be discharged for putting the group in danger. Bob reminds her he is not in charge of rules and regulations, Dr. Drew is.  

 

And he certainly knows it. When they return home, Leif is called into his office to face the authorities (Dr. Drew and Bob). Leif claims he wasn't trying to sabotage everything, he was just wondering if some alcohol would trigger his other addictions and exploring some of his triggers. Dr. Drew tells him that it was a bad idea and Leif begins to retort and Dr. Drew interrupts and asks him to look at the diplomas on the wall, and he is the expert, so he shouldn't argue. Yikes! He and Shelly are really pulling out the tough love. Leif asserts that he still wants to continue treatment. I do not have any medical diplomas on his wall, but my common sense tells me that perhaps Leif should have been helped in this situation, not embarrassed and scolded. But Dr. Drew is the boss.

 

Winner: Dr. Drew!

 

Round 2: Shelly vs. Frankie

 

Later back at the ol' PRC, Shelly and Frankie start arguing, and it is not even clear about what. Shelly, again, not using the most assertive affective communication, tells Frankie she should listen to her because she is 14 years sober. Frankie retorts "I'm eighteen days sober, what's the difference?!". This may be the most insightful things she's ever said. And I'm not even sure she is aware of that. Frankie tells Shelly she really needs to cool off and think about her anger program. Shelly is silenced by that. My, how the student has become the teacher!

 

Winner: Frankie!

 

Group time: Dr. Drew wants everyone to talk about their "bottoms". He means times when they've hit rock bottom, what were you thinking? For Leif, it's when he saw a picture of himself and was horrified how sickly the drugs had made him. It does, however, amaze me that despite all this struggling, he still finds the time to paint his nails and apply eyeliner. For Jason Davis, it was when he got a needle stuck his arm. Everyone does a collective cringe. 

 

Battle of the Restraining Orders: Jeremy vs. Melissa

 

As you already know, Jeremy's wife Melissa is being treated in another wing of the facility (the non-celebrity wing I presume) and they are forbidden from having contact with each other. Jeremy receives a text message from the IRS (I don't make this stuff up) that Melissa was collecting income that she didn't tell him about and it was from...dun dun dun...the National Enquirer. Supposedly she told the NE that she had taken out a retraining order against Jeremy when, in fact, Jeremy took one out on her first because she was using in front of their son.

 

Coincidentally, at the same time, Melissa sneaks behind some bushes to talk to Jeremy and he confronts her on it. She does nothing but cower in the bushes.

 

Dr. Drew suggests he sits down with both of them. Jeremy doesn't want to, but he does, because....we wouldn't have a show if they didn't. Once again Jeremy recounts his saga, he filed for divorce, went away in Miami directing a movie and when he got back Melissa had filed for divorce and issued the restraining order. There is disagreement over whether either of them used in front of their son. Jeremy reminds her that when he was off DIRECTING A MOVIE IN MIAMI that she pulled her stunts. Gee, I wonder what Jeremy was doing in Miami? He reminds us again before the conversation ends and Melissa leaves calmly. Dr. Drew tells Jeremy he was provoking Melissa, but he responds that he was doing it because he was angry. Gotta agree with him there.

 

Winner: Not sure about this one. Maybe the National Enquirer? Dr.

 

Drew's crisp new tie that he wore to the mediation?

 

Blast from the past: Some past Celeb ‘Habbers are back to share their stories. The gang watches some footage from past seasons. We see Tom Sizemore's struggle with detoxing, McKenzie Phillips putting her sick dog to sleep (the waterworks started here, both for the group and for me) and Mike Starr...acting absolutely insane. Geez, that ruined my thirteen-year-old-self's massive crush on him. The three come out in real life and despite Sizemore being on crutches, they all look pretty good. They give some non-specific advice "stick with it!"; "believe in yourself!"; "Dr. Drew is the best!" and hug and fist-bump.

 

The dynamic duo: We didn't hear too much from Janice or Rachel this week, surprisingly. Of course Janice had her share of "oh my gosh!" and "that's horrid!" when listening to others so she could hear herself speak.

 

Jason Wahler:...wait, who? Is he even still here?

 

 

Celebrity Rehab airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on VH1.

 

(Image courtesy of VH1)