by David McAlpine

If you're like me and you were left happy yet unsatisfied with the sheer drama of Ali's season of the Bachelorette, then ABC's new filler series Bachelor Pad makes all your dreams come true. It's like the dessert after a very long dinner--semi-trashy times with former castoffs of both versions of the show. How much better could it get?

But like the promos have said in an overly dramatic voice, these former contestants aren't here for love, they're here for cash. $250,000 to be exact. Well, some of them are probably trying to revive their 15 minutes of fame (although that doesn't exactly work when you have to Wikipedia some of them), but they're all looking to reach the prize in the end. The cast is:

Tenley (The Bachelor: Jake Pavelka): Got way too attached to Jake, lost out to bimbo Vienna in the end. Oh, and she was a divorcée.

Jesse B. (The Bachelorette: Ali Fedotowsky): Lots of tattoos. Peculiar, Missouri, anyone?

Natalie (The Bachelor: Jason Mesnick): Apparently really likes bears, let go in Vegas by Jason.

Dave (The Bachelorette: Jillian Harris): The questionably drunk one who always had something to say. Always. Especially about Juan.

Gwen (The Bachelor: Aaron Buerge): Season 2 for all you new fans out there. Yes, she's old, and she doesn't want her age broadcast.

Jessie (The Bachelor: Jake Pavelka): Helped blow the Rated R scandal open last season.

Jonathan (The Bachelorette: Ali Fedotowsky): Crybaby weather man. Need I say more?

Nikki (The Bachelor: Jason Mesnick): Hit up Jason and fellow contestant Juan unsuccessfully. Also known as "0-for-2."

Juan (The Bachelorette: Jillian Harris): A much less sexy version of Ali's Roberto, may have faked a shot poolside.

Wes (The Bachelorette: Jillian Harris): Camera whore, loves to play his guitar, thinks "love…don't come easy" and about nothing else.

Krisily (The Bachelor: Charlie O'Connell) Almost got the ring for Jerry O'Connell's brother, but lost out to Sarah.

Elizabeth (The Bachelor: Jake Pavelka): Not good at making first impressions, allowed Jake to make out with her forehead. Second only to Channy in terms of flat-out awkwardness.

Jesse K. (The Bachelorette: Jillian Harris): The winery owner. Does not like Elizabeth.

Kiptyn (The Bachelorette: Jillian Harris): Perfect in every which way. Successful. Owns a house on the beach in San Diego. Great smile.

Ashley (The Bachelor: Jake Pavelka): Donned a flight attendant costume to get attention during the first night in the house.

Peyton (The Bachelor: Andy Baldwin): Has the honor of being the only woman dumped on an aircraft carrier.

Michelle (The Bachelor: Jake Pavelka): Crazy obsessed with Jake. Needs to find love now.

Gia (The Bachelor: Jake Pavelka): Somehow made it to the final three, has parents who bury rodents in their yard.

Craig (The Bachelorette: Ali Fedotowsky): Big hair. Big mouth. Loves to pick on Jonathan.

Here's how the game works: every week there will be a guys vs. girls competition. The winner (guy or girl) gets a rose (or "immunity") and gets to go on a private date with three people of their choice of the opposite sex. Eventually, one guy and one girl will be voted out each week. And there will be lots of hooking up. Simple, right?

Wait, it gets even better. Veteran host Chris Harrison isn't the only host this season--there's also now-married-and-super-successful Bachelor winner-turned-loser Melissa Rycroft! You'd think such a simple game would only require one host, but ABC is really upping the ante on this one. Really.

The first competition is announced right away: half-naked Twister on a giant sized board! What better than watch these sexy, semi-desperate singles squirming all over each other, jostling for immunity for the week? I really can't think of anything else. Tenley is the first woman out because of her inability to tell right from left, and the women continue to fall from there. It was just Jessie left fighting against Craig, and it was hopeless.

Craig was the target of the women as discussed in their bikinis by the pool, but now that plan is moot. Instead, Elizabeth is worried she's a target because of how much she trash-talked Craig during the competition. However, in all her complaining about having to go on a date with Craig, you can see that she really wants to go on a date with him. However, Michelle beats her to the punch and hooks up with him--and Tenley spreads it around the house the next morning.

Craig's date card arrives and he has to pick three women to join him on his date, so he picks Jessie, Elizabeth and Gwen. Couldn't have gotten more of a motley crew there, could you, Craig? So the three head off for some 3-on-1 acting (PG, of course) at the beach, ending in the four meeting with Melissa for Craig's decision. He picks Jessie over the other two and they dance together to the soothing sounds of the Alex Band, basking in the glory of immunity.

As if things weren't bad enough for rejected Elizabeth, she comes home to her "boy" Jesse K., who tells her that he doesn't want her calling dibs on him. Elizabeth instead confesses her love for "Kovacs" who seemingly just doesn't get it from her perspective. And we all thought Michelle was the crazy one…

Speaking of Michelle, she confronts Tenley about the rumors she was spreading about her hooking up with Craig. After getting her nice and riled up in confessional, she and Tenley have it out in the bathroom. None of it is on camera because Michelle was apparently holding the door closed with her foot, but Tenley can't help but break down into a sobbing mess.

It's elimination day and no one really knows what to do, since there's not too much of a basis for voting anyone off. Instead, it becomes a cesspool of bitter feelings as, one-by-one, everyone casts their votes. But the crazy doesn't stop there. Elizabeth tries to turn the whole house against Jesse, then go back to him and say that she'll save him if he tells everyone he loves her. Is this girl real? And the worst part is that she has Jesse apologizing to her for her BS.

Back to the voting: Nikki takes it out on Juan and Michelle tries to do the right thing by getting rid of Elizabeth-hater Jesse K. The elimination ceremony is a strange role reversal with Chris handing out the roses in pairs (one guy and one girl), while Melissa stands by, completely mute. In the end, it's Juan and Michelle who get the most votes and they're asked to leave.

Tune in to the next episode of Bachelor Pad, next Monday at 8/7c on ABC!

(Photo courtesy of ABC)

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