by Jackie Helm

 

Chad Ochocinco is one very qualified SBM seeking an extraordinary woman for dating and possible LTR. Last night, on Ochocinco: the Ultimate Catch, the popular wide receiver, #85 for the Cincinnati Bengals, began his selection process with 85 beautiful women. He is hoping to find an equally qualified girl who can handle her own and be a great match to his self described "colorful" personality. Chad hipped us to his coined phrases, "Child, please" (f$#% you) and "Kiss the baby" (it's over)! The winner of this competition gets one hot NFL player AND a phat platinum championship ring with over 7 carats of white diamonds!

 

The girls wore jerseys and booty shorts and were lined up on the field of the Rose Bowl. Chad joked that he hadn't seen that many girls on the field since playing the Steelers! His buddy Bernard "B' Twice" Berrian (wide receiver for the Minnesota Vikings) came along to assist Chad with the task of finding the perfect mate. B' instructed the girls to bend over and touch their toes and other "stretching" exercises while Chad surveyed what he was working with.

 

It wasn't as degrading as it sounds as Chad was very polite. When he didn't like what he saw, he leaned in close and whispered, "Sorry baby girl, you're cut". Following the first big cut, the guys ran drills on the remaining girls. The Hugging Sled, the End Zone Dance and the Battle Head to Head (trash talking) were the three stations for the girls to tackle. Finally, after some sorry catches, whack dances and corny jokes, 17 girls made the Ochocinco squad and put their name on the roster. His favorites were Latin beauties Angela and Rubi, as they were the first among his picks for the team.

 

I honestly expected the final group of girls to be the cream of the crop, but only half of them met that standard. Jasmine grabbed the drama queen title as soon as the girls arrived at their new home. She took Laurice's purse off of a bed in order to cop it for her friend. The girls had serious words, but Laurice took the high road and squashed the squabble. They all helped themselves to the liquor cabinets and noticed a huge bracket on the wall with only 16 open slots. The obvious conclusion was that one girl would go home soon! Chad showed up via USTREAM announcing that the girls would be dressed by designer Oday Shakar and join him for a ball.

 

Chad arrived at the house tuxed up looking like a million bucks. A live band played and most of the girls wore their designer dresses very well. In addition to B' Twice, Chad welcomed Terrell "TO" Owens to the event to help him get to know the girls. (The new season of the T.O. Show conveniently airs directly after Ochocinco).

 

Katie is a lanky country girl who claims she can't dance because she's white. She could have at least faked some confidence; she was lucky that it didn't thwart Chad's interest in her. She also told him that she didn't cuss to which he replied, "How the f#$% can you go without F#$%@g cussing, $h*t! That was real classy Chad.

 

T.O.'s tactic of help was trying to get the ladies' digits. Angela didn't fall for it but Candice did! Well, almost. She essentially backed out saying that she was there for Chad. But it was clear that she was star struck, and if the cameras weren't there, T.O. could have definitely got that. Tara is Candice's blonde competition and wins by a landslide. However, Tara admitted to having never dated a black guy before. I found it odd that she'd want to compete with other women to date a black guy. Oh yeah, he's a multi-million dollar a year black guy. Tara's defense was that she heard the myth, "Once you go black you never go back". But she's a gold digger with a cute sense of humor, because when T.O. asked her how her parents would feel about interracial dating, she joked that she was adopted and her parents were black.

 

After collaborating with his boys, Chad called the girls together for the big cut. He explained that they'd be ranked from 1-16 in a bracket style tournament. The board matches up two girls who will later accompany him on a date. Rubi was picked as #1 and he went all the way down the list until two were left. Chad called Candice out for "almost' giving TO the number, but it was quirky Cynthia who was sent home. Future clips of yachts and helicopters give promise to a flamboyant season of "The Ultimate Catch". But we wouldn't expect anything less from Mr. Ochocinco. (We will also enjoy future visits from delicious T.O. and B' Twice). Chad suggested the viewers start an "Ochocinco bracket" at the office and said, "Don't just watch the show, make money off of it!" Not a bad idea Chad! The show ended with Chad and his ladies in a huddle. 1...2...3...and they all shout "Child please"!

 

 

Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch airs Sundays at 9/8c on VH1.

 

(Image courtesy of VH1)