by Michael J. Lamp

Tonight, on Millionaire Matchmaker, we were introduced to "Prince Valiant (sans the hair do) and the Douchebag." Those are Destin's words, not mine. The show begins with a glimpse at Patti's radio show (who knew she even had one?) featuring guests Gretchen and Slade from Real Housewives. Gotta love that Bravo synergy!

 

We meet both David and Jason via videotape. David appears to be every bit the classic gentleman. He's in his 50s but wants a woman slightly younger, as he wants to be a Daddy.

 

Jason, on the other hand, is a big ol' train wreck. Clearly dealing with the after effects of a once heavily drug addicted existence, Jason walks with a cane and slurs his speech. He seems harmless, though, if not a tad offensive and creepy.

 

Patti goes to meet David, and we discover yet another millionaire that made his money in real estate. What recession? It turns out David is a shy guy who never ever approaches a woman. Boo-Hoo. Patti seems to think David will be an easy fix.

 

Patti is hella reluctant about meeting Jason. In his pre-visit interview, we see him playing with stuffed animals. Good God, this guy is bonkers. Patti teases Jason for living in what appears to be a nice, but not millionaire-level apartment. Jason could care less. After a few minutes of chatter, we find out that Jason has "never hurt a girl" before. (Psst - he's the one that always gets hurt. Aw.) Patti seems more optimistic now that she's seen Jason's tender underbelly.

 

In the recruiting session for these fellas, Patti basically sets her sights on two types: young (and again dumb) blondes for Jason, and older ‘mommy' types for David. After some hiccups, Patti finds a gal or two that she thinks will be to each of their liking. She's definitely sticking with the older crowd for David, but he didn't seem like much of an ageist. That could certainly change, though. The session ends with a classic Patti moment as she schools a red head named Rayne (porn star, much?) after Rayne decides a guy in his 50s is too old for her. Interestingly, Rayne is no blossoming flower herself. In fact, I bet she's older than she puts on. Plus, she's a mean ol' biatch, which makes anyone seem old.

 

Destin takes Jason to the spa, which is an obvious excuse to give him a mini makeover. While the guys get their cuticles massaged, the conversation turns into a heart to heart. We learn more about Jason and the many ways he's been victimized. Poor, poor millionaire.

 

Just before the mixer, Patti sends David to see a guy named Matt for lessons on approaching women. The result is an exchange between David and a couple of women that is probably just about as awkward as you think it is. Time for the real mixer...

 

Patti approves of Jason's new, post-spa look and we're off to meet the ladies! The lessons seem to have worked for David, as he is proactively reaching out to a variety of ladies, including the young ones - I knew it! Meanwhile, Jason just sort of sits and drinks while girls come and go around him. Yes, it's awkward. It boils down to two (dumb) blondes for Jason, and he goes with Stephanie, Patti's initial pick. Stephanie seems like a nice enough girl that is just flighty enough for Jason. The weird things he says will probably fly right over her head.

 

David wants to pick the young, sexy and ambiguously foreign Claudia, but Patti strongly urges against it. She's pushing Leslie (a millionairess) on him. He seems reluctant (of her AGE!), but eventually concedes and picks her. Interestingly, both of Patti's picks were...well, picked.

 

Just for fun we get a quick look at Patti stumbling upon non-stripper with a stripper name, Rayne, yet again. She yells at her some more, calls her a ‘fire crotch' (yes!) and moves on.

 

David picks Leslie up on a Harley (they share a love of hogs) and they ride to lunch. Leslie already seems way more into this than David. I have a bad feeling. Leslie starts to open up about her family and about how she made her own millions and David appears to be more interested. I'm not convinced, though, as he gets visibly uncomfortable to find out that Leslie actually has three kids, all of whom are over 18. I think that's too old for ol' David. Yep, the hug goodbye at the end of the date pretty much puts the nail in that coffin.

 

Jason & Stephanie's date begins with a limo ride. What starts as an at least pseudo-classy evening, quickly devolves into talk of girls with penises. Generally speaking, hermaphroditic discussions within the first 15 minutes of a first date don't bode well.

Jason takes Stephanie back to his apartment. Um, seriously? They walk out onto his roof, where they are greeted by violins being played and a jumping monkey. You can't make this stuff up. Just when things start to get cozy on the couch, Jason lets out a fart. Wow. The shocking part isn't the fart itself. It's the fact that after hearing (and smelling) said fart, Stephanie decides she should get to fart, too. Oh dear. They deserve each other. And their date ends with a loud, sloppy kiss. I'm just shaking my head.

 

Patti calls David and - and as I predicted - he has reservations. He's not into the fact that Leslie has three, adult children. Patti seems disappointed, but not surprised.

 

Jason visits Patti to tell her that Stephanie actually has a boyfriend! Ah, shit! Patti immediately calls Stephanie, who naturally denies that she has said boyfriend. The writing is on the wall at this point, though.

 

No happy endings here, friends, as neither dude saw either gal again. They can't all end happily ever after, now can they?

 

 

Millionaire Matchmaker airs Tuesdays at 10/9c on Bravo.

 

(Image courtesy of Bravo)

 

Follow Michael at twitter.com/mjlamp

 

For more Millionaire Matchmaker links, visit SirLinksALot.net